All We Can Do Is Try
by haunted-mind-14
Summary: Dean Ambrose/Jon and Seth Rollins/Colby slash pairing. Sequel to "Feel Again". Their story picks up two years later. "I've lost a lot of what I don't expect to ever return. I tend do push them 'til the pushing turns from hurting to burn. I always take them to that place I thought they wanted to go...".
1. My Never

Author's note: Welcome back! I thought about taking a longer break but it didn't work out that way. This is ready to come out. I had to write it. One thing I'd like to tell my readers before we start. I know that some of you were expecting a happy ending and didn't get it. I hope that fact will not stop you from giving this part of their story a chance. Just because back then they didn't get their "happy ending" doesn't mean it will never come.

We pick up with the story of our boys almost two years after their breakup. Jon moved back to his hometown of Cincinnati, Ohio. He is tag teaming with Sami Callihan in Dragon Gate USA. They've just lost the tag team championship belts a few months ago and are battling to regain them when Jon suffers a shoulder injury that puts him on the sidelines for a couple of months while he recovers. This leaves Sami to compete as a singles wrestler for the time being while Jon stands in his corner for support.

Colby is the heavyweight champion in WWE. He is still living down in Florida. He's now married to Arianna. Their baby girl is due to be born very soon.

I think that gets us back up to speed, if there are other details I'll include them in the story. All of this chapter is told from Jon's POV except for the last part in _italics._ At the end of this chapter will be some very graphic scenes. Just a warning. Song lyrics included in this chapter are from the Blue October song "My Never". This first part in _italics_ is a dream Jon is having. No better way to start off this new story than with a wet dream...I hope you guys enjoy.

Late November 2015

"_Will you think of me in time?_

_It's never my luck so never mind. _

_I wanna say your name but the pain starts again,_

_It's never my luck so never mind."_

"_Mr. Good, why don't we start off today's session by delving into the relationship you ended just before you moved back to Ohio? Would you like to tell me a little bit about that?"_

_My teeth began to grind together at the thought of explaining to my psychiatrist, Dr. Snyder, about my relationship with Colby. He was the last thing I wanted to talk about with her or anyone else for that matter. He was one of the reasons I needed to be here in the first place. Not that I blamed him, no. I didn't mean he was one of the reasons why I needed the therapy like he had been the cause of this. I'd brought myself here all on my own. I knew that. I came here in hopes of one day having it together enough in my life that I'd be able to see him again. _

"_I don't know if I'd really be comfortable discussing that yet." I told her, staring down at my clenched hands as I did. _

"_Why don't we just start off small. What was his name?" she pushed. _

_I released a deep breath. I guessed that it wouldn't hurt to just talk a little bit about it. "Colby. His name was Colby. And I loved him. But I was too flawed to sustain a relationship with him. I was more work than I was worth, apparently." She took a long look at me, studying me as she wrote down on the sheet of paper in front of her. It annoyed me that she was busy scribbling things about me while not even watching the page in front of her. I knew I was paranoid, but there were times when I felt she looked at me like I was some sort of freak. I knew that I couldn't have been any worse than the other patients she saw on a weekly basis._

"_How does talking about him make you feel?" she asked as she crossed her arms over her chest. _

"_Yeah, Jon. How does talking about me make you feel?" _

"_HOLY SHIT!" I jumped up from my seat and up on the arm of the couch at the sound of Colby's voice. It wasn't uncommon for him to appear in my dreams, but it never stopped surprising me because I never knew when he was going to pop up. All of a sudden, there he would be. Now here he was, sitting on the couch beside me. He was dressed in one of the designer suits he often donned when we'd traveled together. While I was happy to sport jeans and a t-shirt most of the time, he liked to dress nice and present himself well. His attire showed that he was a professional, in ever sense of the word. I smirked a little bit, the memory of how much fun it had been to take those designer clothes off of him at the end of a long day. _

"_How do I make you feel?" he repeated. _

"_Nervous. What are you doing here?" I asked him as I slid back down on the couch next to him. Dr. Snyder stared down at her papers, still writing. _

"_You want me here. You don't remember? One of the last times you came here for your appointment in the elevator afterward you said "I wish Colby was here with me...". You brought me here." he told me. _

"_Right." I mumbled. "You came here because of me." I looked over at him and smiled. _

"_I didn't come here to talk." he winked at me. _

"_Huh?" I asked him, shocked as he got on all fours on the couch and crawled over to me. "What are you doing?" I asked him. _

"_Don't talk." he commanded me as he got on top of me. _

"_But my psychiatrist is right there..." I said, peeking around his body at her. _

"_She doesn't care." _

"_I don't care. It'll be good progress." she echoed. _

"_See. She says it's okay. It must be okay." he told me, pressing his body against mine. Colby leaned in close to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "It's not your fault..." he whispered in my ear as he squeezed me. _

"_And I had a dream that you were with me. _

_It wasn't my fault._

_You rolled me over, flipped me over like a somersault. _

_That doesn't happen to me. _

_I've never been here before._

_I saw forever in my never and I stood outside his heaven."_

_My whole body tightened up at the contact of his body against mine. Colby and I had accumulated many meetings in my dreams, most of them sexual. Never before had he told me anything like he'd just told me. "What did you say?" I asked him. _

"_It wasn't your fault." he repeated as he stared in my eyes. _

"_It was." I sputtered out somehow. "It was my fault. I didn't have my shit together and you couldn't take it."_

"_We weren't ready. There's no way to place the blame when both people are at fault." he told me softly as he started to unbutton his jacket. _

"_No. I can't blame you. I never have and I never will." I told him as he shed the outermost layer of his clothing. "It was me. It was all me. Had I acted right it wouldn't have happened the way it did..." I said, the memory of that day we parted stinging my brain and making the act of touching him here in my dream seem even more bittersweet than usual. _

"_Jon, Jon, Jon...always playing the bad guy. Doesn't matter if we're talking about the wrestling ring or the real world, does it? You've gotta be the heel. You can't end anything in your life, any relationship with another person, without placing the blame on yourself. That's why you're sitting here with this woman. She can't fix you Jon. Nobody's going to fix you but you." he told me slowly as he unbuttoned his dress shirt that was the same shade of sea foam green as the one he wore the first night I ever kissed him. _

"_No, that's not it. I know when to take the blame and when not to. This happens to be one of the times when I feel like I should." I told him as I watched him undress. "I did horrible things, reprehensible things. I was wrong. You didn't deserve what I did to you. You pressed so many emotional buttons in me towards the end, and I just shut you out. Instead of staying open and communicating with you I went right back to being the old Jon. I shouldn't have taken you for granted. I thought you'd put up with my ass for longer than you did even though I knew I wasn't treating you very well. I never should have assumed you could live with me like that. Instead of working towards a future I drowned myself in painkillers and muscle relaxers and Jack Daniels because I needed to numb the pain of knowing that I'd pushed you away. Pushed you away because you struck a nerve. There were things I would have shared with you if I could have, you know that, right?"_

"_Yeah. I know. It pissed me off that you built up those imaginary fences around your emotions, that you wouldn't communicate with me at the end like you did in the beginning. But it's done. What's done is done..." he told me. _

"_Will you wait for me in time?_

_It's never my luck so never mind._

_Yeah, I've lost a lot of what I don't expect to ever return. _

_I tend to push them 'til the pushing turns from hurting to burn._

_I always take them to that place I thought they wanted to go._

_But end up dancing 'round, _

_this clown commands applause at a show."_

"_It's done. Let's not talk any more." he told me as he pulled his arms out of his shirt and tossed it over his shoulder. "I told you I didn't come here to talk. I meant it." Colby wrapped his hands around my face like I'd done to him so many times in the past and kissed me. I closed my eyes and all I could feel was him. He felt overwhelmingly warm against me as he assaulted me with kiss after sweet kiss, every motion of his lips as they played against mine and sucked on my bottom lip making my cock grow. Before I knew it I had a raging hard-on straining against the front of my jeans, making a distinct bulge there between us. "You want me, don't you?" he laughed as he looked down at my crotch. "I can feel it."_

"_You know I want you." I whispered as I tangled my fingers into his two-toned hair and kissed him again. He sat down on me all of the way, pressing the full weight of his body down on mine. His erection nudged against mine causing me to groan loudly. He started moving his hips to match the movements of his lips as we kissed each other. I felt my body tense and small beads of sweat begin to form on my forehead as he moved __on my lap__. __Kissing my neck and gripping my shoulder tight, Colby kept grinding against me as I breathed heavily into the crook of his neck and let the familiar smell of his skin and hair invade my senses. __At some point all the stimulation became too much for me and I felt my orgasm approaching just from him kissing me and grinding against my fully clothes body. __As I begged him to slow down he stared straight into my eyes and giggled, asking me "What for?" as he kept going until I felt myself ejaculate inside of my pants. _

"_I'm sorry..." I mumbled as I tried to cover up my face, embarrassed._

_He laughed at me softly as he told me "It's not your fault, Jon."._

"FUCK" I yelled as my body jerked awake. I woke up with a violent jolt as it slowly dawned on me that I'd been dreaming of him again. "Dammit...not again." The sweat and cum causing the sheets to stick to my skin was my first and most obvious clue that I'd again seen him in my sleep. Secondly, I swore I could still feel him on my lips. This was the second time this month I'd had a wet dream about Colby and I. Pushing the sweat soaked hair out of my face and tossing the sheets off, I figured I might as well get up out of bed and take a shower. I knew I didn't dare go back to sleep and I wanted to wash away the mess I'd made of myself before I went running. Rubbing my sore shoulder as I walked to the bathroom I silently hoped that this was the last dream I'd have about him for at least a little while.

When I returned from my morning ritual I was happy to find that Sami was awake and that he'd made coffee. "You up already?" I asked him as I filled up my cup. "Thought you'd still be sleeping." I commented as I leaned against the kitchen counter. I glanced at my friend and tag team partner over the top of my coffee cup as I took a long drink. Sami had been my friend since the beginning of my career. When I decided I was going to quit my job with the WWE he was the first person I thought of, sure of only two things at the time. One was that I had to get out of Florida and move back home to Cincinnati. Two was that Sami would still be my friend when I got back. Even though there had been times during my tenure with WWE that Sami and I had gone weeks without talking, out bond never faltered. I saw him as my brother and he would always tell me that he looked at me the same way. Thankfully at least in all of the chaos I'd created in my life Sami was still my friend.

"You woke me up, you son of a bitch." he growled out as he scratched his mess of black hair with his painted fingernails.

"What? How?" I asked, not sure what I'd done to disrupt his sleep.

"You had another dream, didn't you?" he asked me as he opened the refrigerator.

"Yup." I mumbled. "How did you know?"

"Well, when you wake up yelling 'FUCK' at five in the morning I think by now I have a pretty good idea of what's going on." he told me as he set eggs and other assorted items to make breakfast with on the kitchen counter.

"Hey, I'm sorry I woke you, man."

"You know what you need to do..." he said as he banged around in the cabinet for a pan.

"Please...I don't want to have this conversation right now." I begged as I refilled my coffee cup.

"You need to get laid." he told me as he pointed the end of a long butcher knife at me.

"Why do you need that giant knife to cut that little onion?" I joked, hoping to distract him.

"DON'T change the subject." he hollered at me as he began chopping. "All you need to do is get your ass out there and have sex. Those dreams will stop, I almost guarantee it, Jon." he advised me as he cracked eggs.

"I don't think that it'll make my problems go away." I sighed.

"What can it hurt?" he asked me. "I'm telling you it's been WAY too long since you've had sex. That's the reason why you've been having all these fucked up dreams lately, man. You don't need a psychiatrist to tell you that. It's a fact. Shit, you haven't had sex since..." he trailed off then as he turned to look at me, seeing the expression on my face. "Well...you know. I don't have to tell you. So I think you should go out and find yourself a nice girl or guy or whatever it is you're into right now. You know I don't care and I don't ask questions and I don't judge you..."

"SAMI! Stop." I yelled at him. "I don't even know why I tell you these things, honestly." I laughed as I pondered why I'd ever let my friend know about the dreams I'd been having in the first place. "You don't understand. It isn't that simple." I said softly as I watched my friend cook breakfast at our stove. "Colby was the last lover I had. In some sick way that I don't even understand I haven't felt the urge, the need to take another one since. Maybe I'm just trying to hold on to some dumb strand of hope. Could be that I don't want anybody else. I don't understand it and I know you don't either. But I just can't do it." I explained to him. "So if I have to be haunted by dreams of him that end with me frustrated, confused, and wet then so be it."

"AWW, come on man." Sami yelled at me as he slammed down the knife he'd been holding. "I'm trying to cook breakfast here. I don't want to hear about you jizzing the bed." he laughed. I laughed as well, relieved that for the moment the discussion was over with.

That night I prepared for bed, finding our house eerily quiet. Sami was out with his girlfriend for the night and I didn't expect him back. At least he could bring himself to get out of the house. I didn't find the task to be quite so easy. Since my relationship with Colby had ended there had been no hope for me as far as dating or even sex was considered. I couldn't be sure if I'd done it on purpose or not, but I hadn't gone on a date or had sex since him. Sure, the thought that the last person who'd been in physical contact with me was him felt strange, but it also felt somehow comforting, sickly romantic in a way. Of course I knew this had some small part in the fact that more often than I liked to admit, I had wet dreams about him. Ejaculation didn't happen every time I dreamed about him, just occasionally. When I hadn't bothered to masturbate in a couple of days or more usually. That was when it was the worst.

I dragged myself to bed and turned on the television. I'd also picked up the bad habit of falling asleep with the television on, the light and sound of it somehow peaceful. It was company. The only company I had. I flipped through the channels and tried to find something I was at least remotely interested in to halfheartedly watch until I dozed off. The television droned on as I attempted to make myself comfortable. After some time spent tossing and turning in every position imaginable, I decided what the problem was. I was too cold. Slowly I pulled myself out of bed and wandered to my walk-in closet to search for an extra blanket. Wincing at the pain in my shoulder I pulled the overhead light on and shoved a few boxes out of my way, finding the spare blanket I kept on the top shelf in my closet. Mission accomplished I turned to get back in my bed when I stopped for some reason, my eyes fixed on a box. Without knowing why I set the blanket down on the floor and reached for the box. Turning it around I read my handwriting on the box and slowly hissed out the first word that came to mind. "NO...". On the box I'd scribbled out one word in black sharpie. "Shield".

Feeling like I had nothing better to do than torture myself I slowly carried the box to my bed, forgetting all about the blanket I'd set on the floor. This box had been stored in my closet ever since I'd moved back here. The clear tape I'd used to seal it up had yellowed a bit and the brown cardboard top of the box had a good layer of dust built up on it, but I opened it nonetheless. I pulled out one of our t-shirts from the time that covered the rest of the items. Diving into the contents of the box felt like looking into a time capsule for me. I pulled out several DVD cases from pay-per-views we first appeared on. I frowned at the fact that after the first few I stopped collecting them. Now it felt like I should have accumulated every one of them, not just the first ones. I found several envelopes containing memories from our travels, whether they be tickets I'd kept from places we'd traveled or programs I'd held for some reason each and every thing I removed from the box was a memory for me.

When I reached the yellow envelope marked "photos" I took a deep breath. I slowly packed up all the other items inside of the box and tucked the four cardboard flaps back together. Setting it on the floor I took a deep breath and weighed my options. I could either open the envelope and suffer or I could spark up the living room fireplace and be rid of it forever. I knew I wasn't kidding myself. There was no way in hell I'd ever be able to go through with burning that envelope, not when I knew damn well what it contained. Cautiously I opened it as though there was the threat of something inside of it biting me if I stuck my hand in too far.

Slowly I pulled out the contents. On top of the pile I'd put the fanart we'd been sent during our time together as a group. There were some very talented artists out there and even though I doubt at the time I'd appreciated what they'd given us I had to admit, they were awesome works of art. Some of them had been sent to us in fan mail but many of them were given to us during meet and greets or at the Axxess right before our first WrestleMania. Moving through the pile I started to come across more painful images. As I shuffled through them I started coming across pictures of all three of us. In the middle of the pile was the most painful photo of all.

Holding it in my hand, I started to feel the emotions all flooding back to me in an instant. I held a photo of Colby and I that a fan snapped during Axxess. Sucking on my bottom lip I stared at the image and studied it. In the photo Colby is talking to someone, I forget who. Probably Roman. He has on our Shield t-shirt and his headphones, his hair slicked back into a ponytail and contained by a black baseball cap. He's holding a sharpie in one hand and is using his other hand to gesture about whatever it is he's talking about. Meanwhile, I am standing beside him in my black t-shirt and backwards hat, just listening with half of a smile on my face. Seeing the photo itself wasn't the most painful part of the memory, the image wasn't what hurt the most.. It was the fact that it was taken on the same day he told me he wanted to give us a chance that pained me the most. That day seemed like it happened a lifetime ago or it happened to someone else as I recalled it now. It didn't even seem real.

I reached out and touched the shiny paper of the photo with my index finger. It had to be real. I held the evidence in my hand. Blinking hard I moved my gaze away from the picture, not wanting to search through the rest of the pile of photos. I scooped all of them up and shoved them back inside the envelope. Deciding I'd punished myself enough for the night I got up out of bed and carried the box back to where I'd found it. I picked up the blanket that originally got me out of bed and went back to tossing and turning until I eventually dozed off.

Three weeks later...

Shortly after my thirtieth birthday I got a phone call that made my stomach turn in knots. "Jon! My friend, how are you? I called to wish you a late happy birthday." Roman asked me as I picked up my phone.

"Hey. Thanks man. I'm alright, brother." I laughed.

"I heard from a little birdie that you were injured. Is that true?" he asked me in his booming voice.

"Yeah. I banged up my shoulder pretty good. They tell me I don't need surgery and that I shouldn't be in the ring for a couple of months, so I've just been chilling out and when I do go to the shows I just stand there and cheer Sami on when he wrestles." I explained to him. Roman and I had kept in touch occasionally over the last two years. While most of his close friends called him by his real first name of Joe, I chose to call him Roman. I thought it fit him. Most of the time his calls carried bittersweet news. He'd called me to let me know when Colby got married and he was the best man. He also was kind enough to reach out to me to inform me when Colby got his wife pregnant earlier this year. I wondered what news he'd be dropping on me this time.

"That sucks. You'll be alright though. I know you're one of the toughest bastards I ever met, so you'll be okay." he laughed. "You got a couple of months off huh?" he asked me.

Immediately I knew where the conversation was heading. On several occasions he'd asked me to come back down to Florida for a visit. Each time I'd declined. I knew what went along with it. Sure, he assured me that it would just be a visit with him and the family, his wife and his daughter. The risk of seeing Colby and his wife was too overwhelming. Taking the chance wasn't worth the risk. I had only seen Colby one time since our breakup. It was at WrestleCon at WrestleMania this past year. I was there for the Dragon Gate USA show that weekend and managed to somehow find myself in the same place at the same time with him and his wife. I only saw them from across the room, but it was close enough. Our eyes met for only a split second before he looked away. His wife recognized me and waved in my direction. I somehow managed to reward her with a small wave and a weak smile as I watched her elbow Colby and tell him something, Colby nodding as she did. Then they were gone, having disappeared into a crowd of people. I didn't want to risk another awkward encounter where I could be even closer to them.

"My daughter's birthday is in a few days, we're having a party for her on the thirteenth. I think it's the perfect excuse to come down here for a vacation and pay me a visit." he told me.

"I don't know, brother." I said as I sighed. "It's probably not a good idea."

"Why not? What else is there to do? I haven't seen you in the flesh since Mania weekend. C'mon. It'll be good for you to get out of Ohio for a few days." he urged me.

Taking a deep breath I fell silent for several moments on my end of the phone. Maybe he was right. What else was there to do? "I guess I could come visit for a few days." I told him eventually. "I don't really know what a six year old girl likes for birthday gifts though..." I joked.

"Just bring her something pink and frilly. She's just like any other woman, she thinks she's a princess. We have to keep up the fantasy." he laughed.

December 13th. 2015

"You called the doctor, right?" Colby asked quickly as he took turns glancing between his wife and the road. "Ari? Did you hear me?"

"Yes." she said slowly, putting down the journal and number two pencil she had been holding. "Yes I heard you and yes I called the doctor. I don't want to talk right now. I'm in a lot of pain...".

It was late morning and the last thing Colby had been expecting today was for his wife to go into labor. Her due date was still two weeks away and they understood labor could start at any time, but it still came as a surprise when just a couple of hours ago while standing in their bedroom her water broke. Nothing in the world can properly prepare you for the birth of your first child. Reading every book about the subject, taking classes, watching videos...none of those things can make you ready for that moment when it all becomes real and the process starts happening.

Colby came to a stop at a red light and took a moment to stare over at his wife. Even in her current condition she still held a smile on her face, she still looked beautiful. Her long strands of black hair rested on her right shoulder and her blue eyes gazed down at the pink striped journal she'd purchased a few weeks ago. The number two pencil firmly in her grasp, she feverishly wrote on the first blank page. Colby smiled as he remembered the day she showed him the journal and what she told him. _"I'm going to start writing __in__ this when my labor starts and then every day after that as a gift to our daughter. So that when she's ten years old I can read to her about the day she was born. When she's a teenager __I__ can __tell her__ about how she was as a child. She can take it to college with her and read it. I want to write in this every day, even if it's just a few lines at a time. You can help me if you want. I want it to be filled with memories. Reminders of our life together and of her life, of Lucy's life."_

"What are you writing?" Colby asked her as he continued driving to the hospital.

Arianna took a few deep breaths and pressed her hand to her stomach before answering. "I'm just writing down how much pain our daughter is currently causing me. I just want to take my mind off of it. I'm doing this to distract myself." she groaned, arching her back as another contraction rolled through her body. Colby watched as she gripped the handle of the door and closed her eyes. "It's a good thing you thought to put a towel down on the seat before I got in the car because I don't think I'm done leaking." she told him, letting out a weak laugh as she took short breaths.

"You okay?" he asked, aware that she was not currently okay. Colby couldn't begin to comprehend what his wife was going through. He only knew that he'd be right by her side as she went through this experience.

"No. No, not okay." she said softly, wrapping her arms around her stomach. "I knew it would hurt. Just not this much. Not nearly this much..." she groaned, pressing her head against the back of the seat. "Oh, God..." Arianna said as she looked down. "Colby...I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. It's...it's a lot..." she stuttered, sounding terrified.

"That's alright, baby. I'm sure that's normal. You're going to bleed. You're in labor. It'll be okay, I promise. We're almost there. About ten more minutes and we'll be there. Just breathe and stay calm." Colby told her, trying his best to sound calm even though he felt mortified at the thought of his wife bleeding this early on in the labor.

Arianna took a deep breath and rubbed her hand across her face, wiping away the tears. "I'm just going to write in her journal until we get there. That will take my mind off of the pressure and the pain. Just think, this will all be over with soon and one day we'll look back at this day and read about it." she said as she looked over at Colby, managing half of a smile as another contraction passed through her.

Colby smiled and reached over to her, grasping her hand. "I can't wait for little Lucy to get here." he told her. "Just think about that. You, me, and our daughter. I can't wait." Colby squeezed her hand tight and smiled at her, watching her as she filled up the first page of the journal with her neat cursive handwriting.

Roman's house...

"Jon!" Roman greeted me as he invited me inside his home. "You remember Aubrey?" he asked me as he gestured down at his daughter. I glanced down at the little girl that now came up almost to his thigh. When last I saw her she was only four years old. Now she looked taller and much more grown up. She stared up at me with her big blue eyes, same as her father's.

"I remember. She probably doesn't remember me, though." I said, smiling.

"Aubrey, you remember uncle Jon?" he asked her as he looked down.

"No." she told him, clutching the lacy bottom of her dress as she studied me. "Who are you?" she asked me.

"Jon's my friend, sweetie. You used to see him all the time. But it's been a couple of years since he's been here to see us." he explained to his daughter. "We should go. My wife is waiting for us. She's already down there getting everything ready."

We gathered up what we needed to take with us and got in Roman's car.

"Daddy? Is uncle Colby going to be there?" the little voice asked from the back of the car.

"I think so, honey. Probably." he told her, quickly glancing over at me and then back at the road, asking me "Is that okay, that's okay with you, isn't it?"

"I guess so..." I mumbled.

"Mister Jon? Do you know Uncle Colby?" Aubrey asked me. I turned around in my seat and looked back at her over my shoulder.

"Yeah, I know him. I used to wrestle with him." I explained to her.

"You can say that again..." Roman said so that only I could hear. I shot him a disapproving look as I nodded towards the backseat.

"Mister Jon?" she again called out to me, the fact that she called me "mister" quite amusing.

"What is it, sweetie?" I asked her.

"You used to wrestle with Uncle Colby? Why don't you do it now?"

I sighed. How could I explain to a six year old little girl why I wasn't part of his life anymore? I couldn't even properly explain it to myself. "I used to wrestle with both Colby and your daddy. But I moved away so I couldn't wrestle with them any more. I was too far away." I told her, not wanting to make it sound any more complicated than I had to.

"Oh." she said, apparently satisfied with my answer.

There is nothing in the world more awkward for a thirty year old single gay man than having to sit through a princess themed birthday party. Kids aren't my thing. I won't ever have children, I know that. I can't relate to children because I never really had a childhood to speak of. Given the circumstances I was under in my youth, I had only one choice. To grow up quickly. I didn't own memories like this, like the one Roman's daughter would have of this day. When I was a child there were no birthday parties with friends and presents. No balloons, streamers, cakes. I was lucky if my mother remembered my birthday, let alone celebrated it.

Here I was, surrounded my children having fun and running around, playing together. All I could think about was what Roman said in the car about Colby. Just as I was thinking about ducking out and finding a way back to my hotel, Roman interrupted me. "Hey man, I got an important phone call. Can you keep an eye on my daughter for just a minute?" he asked me, his daughter peering at me from behind his leg.

"Sure." I answered, faking a smile.

"Stay here with Mister Jon. I have to go outside and talk for a minute, okay baby?" he said as he set his daughter down in the chair next to me. She nodded at him as he put his phone back up to his ear, heading out the door.

"Mister Jon?" Aubrey asked me again.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have kids?" she asked, her big blue eyes fixated on my face.

"No, honey. I don't." I told her.

"Why not?" she asked me, turning to face me as she sat up on her knees.

"I just don't. I'm not married like your mommy and daddy are, so I don't really have anybody to have a family with." I told her, hoping she would understand.

"Oh." she told me. We sat in awkward silence for a few moments before she asked me another question. "Will you help me put my new tiara in?"

Those were words I never thought I'd hear directed towards me. She might as well have asked a shark to help her tie her shoes. "I don't think I know how, but I'll try. Where is it?" I asked her.

She handed me a silver and pink tiara adorned with fake jewels and diamonds. "It's really pretty. I like it." she told me as she turned her back to me. "You put it in my hair. Make sure it's in the middle of my head." she instructed me. I gently placed the tiara on top of her curly brown head of hair, pressing the teeth on the side into her hair to hold it in place.

"Like that?" I asked her, straightening it.

"Yeah. That's good. Now do I look like a princess?" she asked me as she turned around to face me, posing in her pink frilly party dress.

"Yes, sweetie. You look like a princess." I said, smiling. I'd be lying if I said this moment didn't warm my soul just a bit. I wasn't completely heartless, just a bit disillusioned was all.

"Uncle Colby is going to have a little girl really soon." she told me as she climbed up on my lap, surprising me. "She's going to play with me when she's big enough. Arianna told me that if I'm really careful I can hold her when she's born. I've been practicing on my dolls at home." she told me, looking up at me and never breaking eye contact with me as she talked. I nodded as she told me how excited she was about the upcoming birth of Colby's first child. She was only a child, so innocent. She had no idea how many painful memories came flooding back to me with just the sound of her saying his name.

I felt instant relief when I saw Roman approaching us. "You didn't bother Mister Jon, did you?" he asked as he picked her up off my lap.

"No, daddy." she said, annoyed.

He took a seat beside me, telling his daughter "I've got news for you. Uncle Colby and Arianna aren't going to make it today.".

"Why not?" she asked him, her hands on her hips.

"Because they're at the hospital right now." he told her softly, pressing his fingertip against her forehead as he did. "They're going to have baby Lucy, probably tonight or tomorrow morning. They aren't sure yet. But it will be soon."

"OH BOY! I GOTTA TELL MOMMY!" Aubrey yelled, jumping off his lap and running off excitedly.

Long after the birthday party had ended and Aubrey was fast asleep in bed, Roman and I sat in his living room and tried to catch up on the missed details of our lives from the last year. We sipped beer as I listened to him talk about his family and his career. I didn't say as much as Roman did, happy just to let him do most of the talking as I listened. Eventually our conversation traveled to the one person who I'd hoped we were finished discussing for the day. Colby.

"So, Jon...I'm planning on going to the hospital tomorrow afternoon to visit Colby and Arianna and their new baby. I think you should come with me." he told me. I nearly spit out my beer when that statement came out of his mouth.

"No. No way. There's no way in hell I could do that. And he wouldn't want me there either." I said, shaking my head.

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do. Why would he want me there?" I asked, staring at Roman.

"It's fine. I already asked him." Roman said slowly.

"WHAT?" I asked him, my eyes growing big as I strained my neck in his direction.

"I asked him when I was on the phone with him earlier today. He told me his wife was in labor and that by this time tomorrow he would be a daddy. I told him you were here visiting and I asked him if it would be alright if both of us came to the hospital to congratulate him. He said yes."

"He probably didn't mean it..." I mumbled. "He only agreed because I'm coming with you."

"Come on, Jon. You don't think that he'd like to see you? That maybe he'd like to talk to you again? He's not going to care if you come to the hospital to visit for a little while. It'll be okay. You'll see." Roman assured me.

"I don't know, man. It's been two years. He's married and he's happy. He has a new life now and I'm not part of it. This probably isn't the best idea."

"Just come with me. It's fine." Roman repeated. "Be here at noon tomorrow and we'll head out. It'll be okay. Trust me."

I frowned at those last two words. Too many times I'd asked Colby to trust me. "If this ends badly, if this goes wrong..." I mumbled.

"It's been two years. Just come to the hospital and meet his wife, congratulate him on the birth of his daughter. That's all you have to do." he told me, making the whole thing sound much more simple than it actually was.

The next day...

When time came I slowly got into my rental car and took the ten minute drive from my hotel to Roman's house. The whole ride there my heart raced and my palms became sweaty as I anticipated the experience of talking to Colby for the first time in two years. When I was almost there it hit me that I should have a gift for them. Not sure what kind of gift you gave your ex lover and his new wife to celebrate the birth of their child, I hoped that Roman would have some ideas. What I found when I got to Roman's house was pure chaos.

"Hey man...you're going solo." he told me as he closed the door behind me. "I got a sick wife and a crabby daughter." he explained as the wretched screams that only a little girl who didn't get her way could possibly make. "The wife's sick to her stomach and I told Aubrey she had to stay here with mom while I went to the hospital...that didn't go over very well. So I think it's best that I just stay home. You go on without me." he said as he patted me on the back.

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" I heard Aubrey screaming from down the hallway.

"Jesus..." I sighed as I watched Roman cringe.

"I tried to call Colby but he didn't pick up. I left him two voicemails but he hasn't returned my call. Just go down there by yourself if you want to. I'll give you the address..."

"Are you sure?" I asked him, my insides twisting at the thought of going there by myself.

"Just go." Roman told me.

Half an hour later I found myself wandering through what my iPhone told me was the closest baby related store in the area. Baby Depot? Babies R Us? Babymart? Baby Emporium? Who the hell knows, I forgot what it was called. All I knew was that I hated this. I felt an immediate sense of confusion as I walked in, blatantly aware that this was in fact a place that I didn't belong. Silently I cursed Roman as I meandered through aisle after aisle of baby bullshit. How the fuck was I supposed to know what would make a good gift for this child?

I was near the point of insanity when a pretty little store clerk approached me. "Hi! How are you today? My name is Shannon! Can I help you find something?" I loathed girls who had an overly bubbly personality for seemingly no reason. I grinned at her anyway.

"I hope you can help me." I sighed as she smiled at me. "I'm in need of something to bring with me to the hospital, I'm visiting an old friend who just had a baby yesterday." I explained to her. "I have no idea what I'm looking for."

"Boy or girl?" she asked me, still smiling so hard it made my mouth hurt just to look at her.

"A girl." I told her.

"Okay. I'll tell you what. I can put together a gift basket for you if you want. We have all different kinds. I can get one ready for a newborn little girl if you'd like." she offered.

"Sure. That would be great." I told her. The idea of a gift basket sounded a bit impersonal but I figured it was better than any idea I'd had so far, which was nothing. She quickly got me set up with a big basket full of baby supplies, clothes, stuffed animals, books and an overwhelmingly large amount of pink items that I couldn't quite identify and wasn't sure how to use. She wrapped it all up for me and tied it off with a giant pink bow. I thanked her as I carried the basket out to my car, just happy to be out of the baby store.

Now came the hard part. Actually facing him. Facing her. Facing their daughter.

At the hospital...

The sliding doors at the entrance of the hospital separated as I walked through, that smell I hated so much invading my lungs. I loathed hospital smell. Nothing good had ever happened to me at a hospital. The smell did something to me, disturbed me. The only way it could be described was as a mix of cleaning supplies and death. The smell of where you came when you were sick or dying and what they used to clean it up with after you were done. I tried to push those thoughts out of my head as I remembered what I'd come here for.

I paused at the front desk to ask the older woman seated there where I was going. She happily pointed me in the right direction and gave me a room number. While riding in the elevator the whole thing became all too real for me. I gave serious thought to riding the elevator back down and fleeing. This started to sound like a disastrous idea as I got closer and closer to the floor holding the maternity ward. This was not a place where I belonged. I had no right. He was going to hate me, I knew it. Why would he be happy to see me?

I watched the numbers as they changed floor by floor and I got ever closer to my destination. The dull "ding" of the elevator door as it opened up on my floor made my heart heavy. I slowly walked out of the elevator, looking down each side of the long hallway just outside of it. Clutching the sides of the basket I listened as the plastic wrapper on the outside squeaked and crunched with every step I took. My heart began to pound against my chest as the numbers on the doors increased and I got closer to their room. Then I read it. 624. That was the one.

I stood outside the door for a moment, setting the basket down on the floor. Colby sat in a chair with his back turned towards me. The bed was empty and I took a deep breath and felt relief at the realization that his wife wasn't currently in the room with him. Slowly I peeked around the half open door and decided it was now or never. Pushing my hair back against my head and tugging at the sleeves of my shirt, I took a deep breath and prepared myself. Gently I tapped on the door with my fist as I called out to him. "Colby?".

Slowly he turned around, his face pale and white. I understood that seeing me must have been a shock, but I didn't expect him to look like this. His face was void of color as he stood up and turned to face me. "Jon?" he said softly. "What are you doing here?" he questioned me as he came closer, opening the door all the way.

"I came to visit you and to congratulate you." I told him as I reached out to him with my hand. He accepted it and we shook hands not like former best friends and lovers, but like nothing more than acquaintances. His hand was ice cold as I held it in mine, his grip soft. He looked like hell but I attributed it to the fact that his wife had just given birth and that I had come back out of the woodwork.

"Thanks..." he said softly as he motioned for me to come in.

I followed him inside. "This is for you. I had no idea what to get. Luckily I had a little bit of help." I told him as he returned to his chair. "Roman wanted to be here too, I know he told you he was coming. He's having some kind of family crisis at home so he couldn't make it." I explained to him. Colby stared down at the floor as I talked to him.

"Thank you, Jon." he told me as he glanced up from the floor and looked at me for a brief moment. "You didn't have to do that."

"I know. I felt like an idiot in the baby shop." I joked with him as I sat down in a chair near him. "I was lost. But I knew I wanted to bring something for you...for your daughter."

"I didn't expect you to come." he said as he looked up at me again, this time holding his gaze on me as he spoke. "When Roman told me you were here it made me jump. It surprised me. I was shocked. Then he asked if he could bring you here with him. That shocked me too. I didn't think that was something you would agree to. I mean...I wanted to see you. I'm not saying you didn't...I just...I didn't think I'd ever see you again. That's all." he finished saying quickly. I watched him as the words came out. His eyes were red and strained. His hair, now all black, was in a messy unraveled ponytail at the back of his neck. He looked tired and sad for some reason.

Taking a deep breath I tried to figure out what to say next. "This wasn't exactly the way I wanted to reunite with you, but it was the perfect excuse to see you. I wanted to see you, but I was afraid. I didn't think you would have me here. I thought you'd tell me to go." I laughed, smiling at him.

"No, it's fine." he told me. "What's done is done, Jon."

"I know. Now you have a wife and a daughter. What's her name? Lucy?" I asked him.

"Yeah. Lucille Jane Lopez." he said softly as he pressed his hand against a pink and white striped journal on the table. "She's beautiful and she's perfect." he told me as his voice began to break. I watched as his face changed and he brought his hands up to cover his eyes. I concluded they were tears of joy as I got up and walked towards him. I pressed my hand to his shoulder and rubbed, shocked when he grabbed me in an embrace. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me towards him, nearly knocking me off balance as he cinched his arms around my body and pressed his head against my stomach. I squeezed him in return, overjoyed that he would even think of embracing me after all of the time that's passed between us.

"Where is she?" I asked him after a few moments had gone by.

"She's in the nursery." he told me as he wiped the tears from his face. "I should probably go check in on her. It's time to feed her, I think." I watched him as he walked out the door and down the hallway. While I waited I glanced around the room, decorated with flowers and balloons. I stared at the bed again, wondering why Ariannna wasn't back yet from wherever they had her here in the hospital and why the bed was fully made up, as though nobody had been in it.

"Here she is." I heard his voice from behind me as he wheeled her in. His small baby girl rested inside a bassinet, covered with pink and purple blankets. "She's just waking up." he said softly. I stared down at her, amazed at how small she was. Her hands and feet were so tiny. She had huge blue eyes and already possessed an impressively think head of dark hair. "She looks like her mother." he told me in a whisper as he reached down and picked her up out of her bed. He carried her over to his chair and settled in with her as he fed her a bottle.

"Where's your wife?" I asked him as I watched him feed his daughter.

He looked up from his child, his face white again. I watched him as he swallowed hard and closed his eyes. Then he told me the most shocking words I'd ever hear in my life. "She's dead, Jon. She died last night."

_December 13th late afternoon_

_Rushing through the hallway of the hospital I glanced down at my wife and then up at the pair of nurses as they wheeled her through the door of our delivery room. The pain and discomfort she was feeling from the contractions that were closer and closer together was painted across her pretty face, twisted and distorted as she tried to contain the tears. I helped her out of her wheelchair, looking down in horror to see that she was still bleeding. A small yet steady trickle of blood made its way down her leg as she stood before the bed, pooling down at her bare feet as I helped her out of her dress and got her changed into a hospital gown. "The doctor is on his way right now." the nurse assured me as I helped her lay down. _

"_Ari? You okay?" I asked her as I brushed her hair out of her face._

"_NO. I'm not okay. There's so much pressure, Colby. It's excruciating." she told be as she clutched the sheets and turned to her side. After only a few minutes of laying in bed there was already a wide circle of dark brown blood beginning to spread underneath her body. "Why am I bleeding so much?" she asked me, taking my hand. _

_Sure that she was just as terrified a I was, I tried to give her a calm and rational answer. I couldn't let her see that I was afraid. "I don't know, baby. But the doctor will be here soon and he'll check you out." I promised her. Soon Doctor Young arrived, flanked by three nurses this time. I couldn't help but wonder why there were so many of them. One nurse began taking Arianna's blood pressure while another wheeled in the same equipment that they used when she'd had an ultrasound a few months back. "What is that for?" I asked as they began to prepare her for another ultrasound.  
"Please be patient. I need to do an examination." the doctor told me. _

_I watched him as he checked on the progress my wife had made so far in her labor process. One nurse began hooking my wife up to an IV as another fitted her with a belt around her stomach. _

"_What is that for?" I asked once again, this time earning an answer._

"_This is to monitor the baby's heartbeat and keep track of contractions." the blonde nurse explained to me. "I think there's one happening right now." she told me as she pointed to the places on the screen it was hooked up to where the little purple lines spiked upwards. _

_Sure enough, I could tell by the look on my wife's face that there was a contraction happening at this very moment. Her face tightened as she grabbed my hand and squeezed it, digging her fingernails into my skin. She arched her back off the bed and cried out in pain as the most intense part of the contraction rolled through her. When it was over I couldn't help but notice that the bloody spot on the sheet had nearly doubled in size. _

_The look on Doctor Young's face didn't inspire confidence in me. He looked worried and I couldn't help but feel that something was wrong, something that he wasn't telling me. "Call the anesthesiologist. Nurse Williams, prepare for the ultrasound." he ordered the women. _

_The doctor pulled up a chair and sat down next to the bed, staring in my eyes as he spoke. "I don't want to alarm either one of you, but I do need to make you aware of a situation I feel is very serious. Arianna, I have reason to believe you've suffered a small rupture to your uterus. If I'm correct, that would explain the reason why you're bleeding so much during your contractions. I don't know how serious of a tear it is, I won't know until I get a look on the ultrasound. We need to get that started right away." His tone was serious yet calm as he explained all of this to us. My heart began racing and my head felt light as I tried to understand what he'd just told us. _

"_Is my wife going to be alright? My daughter?" I asked him. _

"_I need you to stay calm, Mr. Lopez. That is the best thing you can do for all of us at the moment. I'll try to assess the situation after the ultrasound and hopefully I can tell you more once I've had a look." he told me as he pulled a fresh pair of latex gloves over his hands._

_Holding my wife's hand tight, I watched as the doctor moved the small instrument across her stomach, the picture on the monitor changing as he moved it. I could clearly see our daughter as I stared at the image on the screen. "Mr. Lopez, Mrs. Lopez...I have some bad news. Arianna, you have a rupture on the side of your uterus, just as I had suspected. This is a very serious matter and we need to act quickly." he told us as he removed his gloves and waved to someone outside the door. In walked the anesthesiologist and two more nurses. _

_My head started spinning as they put the needle in my wife's back, preparing her for her epidural. The doctor explained to me they needed my cooperation and patience as they prepped her for an emergency caesarean section. He instructed me to scrub up to my arms in the sink with a special solution and to change into a pair of scrubs while they made sure that Arianna was properly numbed for surgery. _

_Everything after I put the pair of scrubs on is a blur to me. All of it happened so fast. I held on to the railing of my wife's hospital bed as we wheeled her down a long hallway to the room where she'd have her surgery. Everyone was quiet as we stood in the surgical room, the bright white lights nearly blinding me at first, not knowing where to look or what to do. I looked down at Arianna, a more calm look on her face now. "Baby. I love you. We're going to be parents real soon. It's almost over." I whispered to her as I held her hand in mine._

"_I'm so scared, Colby. I'm scared." she told me slowly, the epidural having taken over her and making her speech slurred. "Something is wrong." she whispered as she pressed her face to mine._

"_No, baby. They're going to take good care of you. It's going to be alright. I promise."_

"_Colby. I love you." she told me. _

_As I watched the doctor and nurses work from my position near Arianna's head, I slowly started to realize that my wife was right. Something was wrong. No matter how hard the doctor and nurses tried to keep her from bleeding, it just kept coming. I'd never seen so much blood in my life. It made me sick to my stomach to know that my wife had lost so much blood in such a short amount of time. _

"_Colby..." my wife called out to me in a strangled moan. "I love you. I'm so scared." she sighed as tears started rolling down her cheeks. _

_Those were the last words my wife shared with me. Before I could respond to her all hell broke loose. Surgical instruments and tools were being passed around in a frenzy as the machines Arianna was hooked up to began beeping and buzzing all at once. Looking up at the doctor I screamed at him, terrified about what was happening. "WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY WIFE?" I demanded as I clutched her arm. _

"_Mr. Lopez you need to stay calm. We need you to stay calm." the nurse closest to me said. "Just let our team of doctors and nurses do their job. Why don't you take a step back?" she asked me as she gently pulled on my free arm.  
"NO. I'm not leaving my wife's side!" I screamed at her. "TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING!" I yelled again, looking down. The look on my wife's face said it all. She was expressionless as she rested there, loud beeping sounds going off all around us as the chaos erupted. _

"_MR. LOPEZ. You need to stay calm or you'll have to step out. Your wife has suffered a major uterine rupture. She has internal bleeding that we need to address and we're still working on delivering your daughter..." the doctor explained to me as he worked. My whole body went limp as I watched him working on her, blood coating his entire arm up to his elbow as he feverishly moved his hands. _

"_She's going to be okay, right? She's got to be alright. I need her. I can't lose her. DAMMIT! ANSWER ME! IS SHE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT? WHAT ABOUT MY DAUGHTER?" I screamed as I looked back and forth at the strangers dressed in surgical clothing that surrounded my wife and I. _

_I stared at the doctor as he nodded towards the nurses near the door. "Mr. Lopez you need to step outside. Let's go." they told me as they grabbed my arms. _

"_NO. I WON'T LEAVE HER!" I screamed as I fought off the nurses. "YOU CAN'T TAKE ME OUT! I HAVE TO STAY BY HER SIDE!"_

"_YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING FOR HER RIGHT NOW, MR. LOPEZ. AND WORST OF ALL YOU CAN'T MAINTAIN YOUR COMPOSURE. PLEASE LEAVE UNTIL WE'VE FINISHED AND WE'LL CALL YOU BACK IN!" Doctor Young yelled at me, never taking his eyes off of my wife and his work as he did. _

_Still kicking and screaming, it took two male nurses and three female to drag me out of the room. I yelled and screamed until they had me cornered in the delivery room where we'd started. "Mr. Lopez, if you don't calm down and act in a proper manner we'll have to sedate you for your own good." they warned me as they instructed me to sit on the bed and wait for the doctor to return. _

"_How am I supposed to calm down? What the hell is happening in there? My wife is dying! I should be there.." I yelled at them as I began sobbing uncontrollably. _

"_There's nothing you can do right now. You need to let the doctor work on her and we'll let you know when we're finished." the nurse told me. I watched as they exited, leaving me alone in the room. Curling up in a ball on the center of the bed I buried my face in my knees and cried, hoping with all of my heart that my wife would somehow make it through. _

_Over an hour had passed when I heard a soft knock on the door and Doctor Young's voice as he called my name. "Mr. Lopez. Come have a seat in this chair here so we can talk." he told me as he moved two chairs so that they faced each other. "Mr. Lopez, it is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you of your wife's death. She didn't make it, I'm sorry. She suffered from a major tear and had a uterine rupture which essentially means her uterus ripped, causing major internal bleeding. She didn't survive. We tried our best but it was a very major rupture, as I said." he slowly explained to me as he leaned over in his chair and stared in my eyes. "I apologize for removing you from the situation, but I needed to concentrate and you were taking away from my work." _

_Sinking into my chair, I listened as the doctor explained more things in medical terms and hospital jargon that I couldn't begin to understand. My wife was gone. Dead. What the fuck? How had this happened? _

"_You can come see your daughter now, Mr. Lopez." he told me as he stood up. "Then I have some paperwork I need you to fill out..."_

"_WAIT. What did you say about my daughter?" I asked, jerking my head up and staring at him.  
"You can come see her now. Oh, I apologize. You just assumed...she's fine. Your daughter is perfectly healthy. You should come. Follow me."_

_Holding my newborn daughter in my arms for the first time brought more tears to my eyes, this time no longer tears of pain and loss, but tears of joy. I stared down at her amazed, her eyes bright and blue, big like Arianna's. _

_Her already full head of fuzzy black hair made me laugh lightly as I placed my finger inside of the palm of her hand. _

"_Would you like to feed her?" an older nurse asked me as she whisked me over to a rocking chair in the corner of the nursery. She gave me a bottle and showed me how to hold it as I fed my daughter for the first time. I pulled up the sides of her light pink blanket as I watched her greedily suck on the end of the bottle, a smile suddenly spreading across my face. "She's beautiful." the nurse smiled at me as she watched us. "I'm so sorry about your wife, Mr. Lopez." she said softly. _

_Looking down at my tiny child I felt more tears beginning to swell up at the edges of my eyes. Here she was, this most wonderful little innocent creature I held in my arms...and Arianna would never know her. Never get to see her, never hold her. I felt myself begin to sob as the stinging sensation again entered my face, warm tears trickling down my cheeks and short, labored breaths escaping my mouth as I tried to calm myself. _

_After my daughter finished her bottle she drifted off to sleep in my arms and my tears subsided momentarily. "Mr. Lopez, I need to fill out this tag for her bassinet. What is her full name please?" the nurse asked me, removing a pen from her hair as she smiled at me. _

"_Lucille. Lucille Jane Lopez." I told her, smiling down at my little girl. _

_After all of the paperwork was filled out and details had been taken care of, it was nearly midnight. I flopped down on the bed in the delivery room, my daughter asleep in her bassinet. Slowly I picked up the pink striped journal my wife had been writing in on the way here and read her words, tears spilling out of my eyes as I took in my wife's loving words for our daughter. For Lucy. _

"_My dear daughter! You are causing Mommy tons of pain right now but I know that it's only temporary. It will pass and soon you'll be here! I'm beyond excited and I know your Daddy is too. He's driving me to the hospital right now and he's so cute! He's trying to act like he's not nervous but I know he is. I hope that you have his mannerisms, his energy, his playful nature. I also hope you have his big brown eyes._

_I've always wanted to have a daughter and now here you are. Your Daddy and I weren't expecting to get pregnant with you so soon after getting married, but you are a blessing. I know that your Daddy is going to be the best Daddy ever. He already loves you so much and you're still inside my stomach! He spent time almost every day talking to you through my stomach while I was pregnant. Thank god soon he'll be able to talk to you in person!_

_I'm going to write in this journal as often as possible so that I never forget a detail of your life, a memory. You are precious and sacred to me and I want your life to be special. You'll always be loved and we'll always be right beside you with every step you take. We love you, little Lucy. Hurry up and come out!"_

_Placing the journal back down on the table next to the bed, I sighed. My heart began to break all over again with the realization that Arianna would never again be able to write to our daughter. I vowed then and there to fill that journal up with page after page of writing, never skipping a day. _

_I stood up and walked over to my daughter. She was still fast asleep, wrapped up in the pink blanket that Arianna picked out for her. I gently brushed my fingertips across her forehead, smiling. "I love you, Lucy." I told her softly, planting a kiss on her cheek. "I guess it's just you and me now." I sighed, fighting back the tears. _

Author's note: I hope I didn't kill you guys. I have come to the realization that I didn't really understand how sad I'd made some parts of "Feel Again" and now this story. I hope you all enjoyed this first chapter. There's more to come. Please let me know what you thought. I love feedback!


	2. Stay

Author's note: Thank you to all of my readers who are still here. I'm very happy that you're sticking around for the sequel. The first part might have been sad, and I think I can read minds. I think some of you may be thinking "Oh, a baby? No, I can't get down with that..." or "Man...where's the smut?" but I implore you, give it a chance. Writing this chapter I listened to the song "Stay" by Rihanna and Mikky Ekko. Reminds me of where we are in the story right now. Like I've said before, I'm a sucker for a good love song with piano. Also, and this one might sound a little strange, but I was drawn to this. I listened to the song "Sex Therapy" while I wrote the (spoiler alert) smut scene. I listened to both versions, the male one by Robin Thicke and the female one by Aaradhna. This chapter will pick up right where we left off, from Jon's POV. I hope you enjoy!

Reconnecting with someone that you've been apart from for years is hard. There's no good place to begin. No matter how hard you try the start of that conversation is going to he horrible and awkward because the bond has been lost. It's especially hard to start over when you've learned news like I've just learned about your former friend.

Not knowing where to begin, I merely stood there and watched him quietly. He rested in a chair next to the bed with his baby daughter tightly wrapped up in his arms. He looked tired and I imagined that he hadn't slept in the last twenty four hours or more. His face looked the same as it had two years ago with the exception of the bags underneath his eyes, one of the most obvious signs of a man who was working hard and out on the road all of the time, doing shows and endless circuits of press as the champion. His hair was back to all black, the two toned dye job I'd always loved so much now long gone. Colby's face didn't show many signs of aging, just stress. I thought he still looked every bit as beautiful and handsome as he had the last time I'd seen him.

Taking a deep breath I shoved my hands in my pockets and tried to think of what I should say first. I found myself desperately hoping that Colby would begin the conversation. There was no way for me to judge whether or not he wanted to discuss the matter of his wife's sudden death any further.

Death is a subject I don't deal with very well. Dealing with loss has never been one of my strong suits. I've never known what to say to a friend when someone close to them dies. "I'm sorry" always seems like the automatic response. What about the times when you're not sorry? How about those people who suffer from illnesses for long periods before they pass away? Are you sorry then? They've obviously been suffering for longer than you'd care to admit. Isn't it better to just let them go than to selfishly wish you could still have them? I never knew what to say when someone suffered from a personal loss.

This happened to be one of the times when I didn't know what to say. Yes, in a way I was sorry. No child should have to live without a mother, especially not when the woman who gave that child life would have been a wonderful parent. Mothers like mine were the ones who deserved to die during childbirth, not innocent women like Colby's wife. I'd only met her a few times during my friendship with him, but she always seemed like a nice enough girl. During my friendship with him I saw their whole relationship play out. I recalled him telling me one night over dinner that he'd met a girl and that he planned on taking her out on a date later on that week. Choking down my feelings, I told him that I was happy for him and that I hoped he would have fun. Secretly I was hoping he'd never make it with her and I'd finally have my chance with him, when I was ready. As the next few months went by he discussed her with me several more times. Eventually he told me that while he was very fond of her and thought of her as a great girlfriend and a wonderful person, he just couldn't continue his relationship with her. He told me that she was clingy, that she was demanding. She didn't especially like his choice of profession, that she wanted him to have a career where he wasn't forced to travel as often. He confessed to me that he couldn't accept the fact that she didn't support his dream, his choice to be a professional wrestler. I supported him, but for reasons he wasn't aware of yet. Knowing what I know now, I felt a big of guilt creep in as I thought about how relieved I was on the day he told me he'd broken up with her.

As I searched for the right way to open up a discussion with him, he tore me away from my thoughts by speaking first. "Sit down with me, Jon." he told me softly as he looked up at me with tired, red eyes.

"Sure." I answered him as I took a seat on the bed. Stretching my arms out in front of me I grasped my knees with my hands and squeezed hard, trying to relax and not let show how nervous I was to be sitting with Colby after all this time.

"You know, I'm actually relieved that you're here." he told me as he gave me a half smile. My heart began to beat faster as he looked at me with his dark eyes. The sadness behind them, the look of complete and utter loss...it made me swallow hard.

"You are?" I asked him slowly, my knuckles turning white as I clenched my kneecaps harder.

"You're the first person I've seen since...well besides the doctors and nurses, that is. You're the first regular person I've seen..." he said. "My parents and brother were on their way. They were supposed to be here but their flight got canceled and I don't know when they'll be here. I guess it was better that they weren't here..." he trailed off as he stared down at his child.

Not knowing where I got the courage to do so, I reached over and touched his arm. "I'm sorry for your loss, Colby. I really am. There's no way for me to imagine or begin to understand what you're going through right now and I can't possibly start to think of the right thing to say..." I told him as I held my hand on his forearm.

"Jon." he stopped me, his hand coming to lay on top of mine. "Just sit here with me. Keep me company, keep us company. That's the best thing you can do for me right now. I know it's been a long time since we've seen each other, that there's years and distance between us...not to mention the pain and grudges. Things that we've never talked about and heartbreak. But I don't care about that right now. I just need someone who's familiar to sit here and be with me. I need a friend. Can you just do that for me?" he told me as the ends of his fingers pressed the inside of my palm.

A smile slowly spread across my face as I looked at him. Those had to be the most beautiful words I'd ever heard in my life. Even though I knew that he hadn't forgotten about our history, he was willing to put it aside long enough for me to be his friend, even if just for an hour or less while I sat here and kept him company during a time when he needed someone. "I can do that." I said as I took his hand in mine, squeezing gently.

"Good." he smiled.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

The two of us sat together in that hospital room, occasionally making small talk as the time passed. Sitting there watching him as he embraced his sleeping baby in his arms was a very unreal experience for me. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought this moment would ever occur. I didn't think I'd be in the same room with him again, let alone have him ask me to keep him company while he sat mourning the loss of his wife while at the same time trying to celebrate the birth of his child. After over an hour our quiet moment was interrupted by a young nurse. She knocked on the door gently, asking to take Colby away for a few minutes. "I just need you to sign some papers for me, Mr. Lopez. Also, there's a representative from the funeral home here and he needs to speak with you." she explained to him. "It'll only take a little while, half an hour at the most."

"Sure." he said as he stood up.

"Here, I can take your daughter back to the nursery if you'd like..." she offered him as she held her arms open.

My head nearly exploded from sheer incredulity when the next words he spoke came out of his mouth. "Jon? Will you watch her for me? Just for a little bit until I get back." he asked me.

The most horrified look must have appeared on my face as I sat there, the nurse staring at me. "I can take her back to the nursery..." she repeated, obviously as shocked as I was at the thought of Colby leaving his daughter alone with me. Shaking away the initial shock of what he was asking me I quickly weighed my options. I could either be realistic and tell him no, allow the nurse to take that baby back where she belonged. Or, I could take it for what it was. Colby asking me to take care of his baby, a sign of trust. He wouldn't leave his child alone with me if he didn't trust me, and that thought made my mind race. It was almost more than I could fathom.

For reasons I'll never comprehend I told him yes. Slowly nodding my head as I accepted the responsibility of caring for his daughter, I watched as the nurse crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her head to the side. She looked like she had even less faith in my ability to take care of a small infant than I had, not knowing how that could be possible.

"I'll be right back." Colby told me as he placed little Lucy in my care. Holding her in my arms for the first time made me feel like a fool. I began to immediately regret my decision. "I don't really like the thought of leaving her in the nursery..." he whispered to me as he tucked her inside of her soft pink blanket. "You understand, right? You'll be fine..." he said as his face was close to me, his eyes staring straight into mine. Those small words of confidence made me feel a bit better, nodding at him as he looked at me. "Be right back." he told me as he walked away, leaving me alone with his infant daughter.

As the notion of how ridiculous it was for me to be holding a newborn baby slowly washed away I began to feel a little more comfortable. This wasn't so bad, and it was only until he returned. Looking down at the little girl in my arms I couldn't help but be amazed. She was so tiny, her set of little dark eyelashes fluttering ever so lightly as she slept. I couldn't decide if she looked like Arianna or Colby as I studied her face. She already possessed an astoundingly large amount of dark hair, reminding me immediately of her daddy as I stared down at her. More than once the question of whether or not I was doing this right crossed my mind, having never held a baby before today. The more I thought about it, the more I liked it. The thought of the first and probably only infant I'd ever hold in my arms being Colby's newborn daughter felt very proper, like it was correct. If I had to hold a child in my grasp, I was honored it was this one. Sitting there on the empty hospital bed where his wife should have been recovering, I watched Lucy as she slept in my arms. The hardest part of all of this wasn't tending to Colby's daughter while he was away. No. Most difficult of all for me was the task of not reading more into this than there was. I couldn't help but think of why he asked me to do this for him. What did it mean? Something? Nothing? I couldn't ignore the feelings of honor and amazement that spread through me, pleased and feeling validation at the notion that Colby would trust me with his daughter.

After about twenty minutes my injured shoulder started to get sore from sitting in the same position for too long. I stood up slowly with Colby's little baby in my arms, slowly walking in circles around the little bit of empty space in the room. A slight feeling of fear crept through me as she started waking up, making small gurgling sounds as her eyes suddenly flashed open. Her hand struggled out of her wrapping, wandering up to her mouth. She slowly sucked on her hand as she made small cries in my general direction. "Shit." I sighed as I tried moving her back and forth in my arms to calm her. "Okay, I can figure this out. You're probably hungry, right?" I said to her. I felt foolish as I almost expected an answer of some kind. Laughing at myself I wandered over to her bassinet, hoping to find a bottle. Finding nothing I slowly walked down the hallway, following the arrows on the wall to the nursery. An older nurse looked up at me as I walked in. "Hi. Can you help me out? I'm watching my friend's daughter and I think she's hungry. I'm a little lost. Can you give me a hand? I think she needs a bottle." I explained as the woman flashed me a warm smile.

Soon I had learned more about a baby than I'd ever imagined I would. The kind older woman showed me how to change her diaper, something I never dreamed I'd learn on this trip. She set me up with a towel and a warm bottle of formula, following me back to Colby's room. I sat back down on the edge of the bed and she taught me how to feed her, instructing me on how to hold the bottle and what to do to burp her after she'd finished. Feeling less overwhelmed, I smiled at her and thanked her as I fed Lucy. "You need anything else before I go?" she asked as she held the doorknob in her grasp.

"No, I think I've got it now. Thank you." I told her once again.

"No problem. You'll do fine." she said as she winked at me. I watched her close the door most of the way before returning to staring down at Lucy as she drank down the liquid in the small plastic bottle I held in my hand. If five years ago, hell...a week ago even, someone had told me I'd be doing what I was currently doing...I'd have died of laughter. As much as I put up walls around myself I had to confess one thing. Holding this little baby in my embrace warmed my heart. She was a perfect little girl. Colby was a very lucky father and Lucy was an even luckier little girl to have him as her father.

Watching her little face as she swallowed down her formula I reached my thumb out without even thinking about it and wiped away a tiny trickle of the liquid that had spilled out the corner of her mouth. I wiped it on the towel I held on my lap and slowly smiled at her, the smell of her skin and the heat of her body making me feel like I'd somehow gone soft as I grinned again at the thought of me with a baby.

"Jon?" Looking up slowly I met eyes with Colby. His smile was big as he walked in the room and sat down next to me. It was a welcome sight, that smile he gave me. It said more than any words could. "Thanks." he told me, putting his hand on the small of my back.

"Hey, you don't have to thank me." I answered. "It was an honor." I glanced over at him, flashing him a smile of my own.

"You want me to finish?" he asked as he removed his hand and sat back on the bed.

"Nah. I got it." I replied. I watched Lucy as she slowly drifted off to sleep again before finishing the last of her meal. She remained in my arms even after she'd fallen asleep. I forgot I was even holding her as I listened to Colby tell me about how difficult it'd been to have to make Arianna's funeral arrangements and what an excruciating experience it had been to watch them take her body away. He insisted on going with the men as they took her outside and put her in the back of a Hurst, transporting her to the funeral home to prepare her for a service taking place in a couple of days. How Colby had the strength to deal with all of the events of the last few days was beyond my comprehension. I admired him for being strong and so composed during this time. He cried some tears as he told me all these details of his wife's passing but he never once lost his disposition and I had to admit, it amazed me. If roles were reversed, I'd have no way to know how I would react, given the circumstances.

The day passed us by quickly and before I knew it the afternoon was almost over. Once Colby's family arrived I decided it was time for me to excuse myself. Those warm feelings from earlier quickly vanished as I saw the look on his brother's face when he found me in the room. This was no place for me to be, I didn't belong here and to be honest, I had no right. Even if Colby had told me he was happy I was here I knew that I was out of place. I didn't wish to feel like that any longer. So, without even so much as a word, I decided to retreat. Making my way towards the door I said both my hellos and goodbyes at the same time, nodding and waving at his parents and his brother as I made my way out the door. "Wait, Jon..." I heard after only getting a few steps away from the room. "Hey? You were really going to leave without saying anything?" he asked me.

"I didn't really know what to say. You need to be with your baby and your family. To be honest, I don't know if I should have even come here today...I feel like an idiot now." I told him as I thrust my hands inside the pockets of my jacket.

Colby frowned at me. "Don't say that. Like I told you, it was good to have a familiar face here. It was strangely comforting, you sitting with me all afternoon. I kind of liked it." he confessed to me. "Thank you. Thank you for coming here and thank you for watching my daughter for me today." he said softly, reaching out and resting his hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, you're welcome." I said to him, looking over at his hand. He quickly moved it, looking down as he did. "I gotta get going." I reluctantly told him. Knowing that I needed to face facts, I parted ways with him. There was no way to think that it would be a good idea to stick around. Things would only become complicated fast. I didn't want that to happen. "Your daughter is beautiful. It was good to see you again. I wish only the best for both of you, really I do." I told him as I took a few steps back.

"Thanks..." he told me once again. "Bye Jon." Colby told me as he gave me a feeble wave and half of a smile. I waved goodbye to him and turned around, my eyes burning. The feeling that I had to flee took over me, knowing that I couldn't let one person in this hospital see me cry. I walked down the hall quickly and found the nearest elevator. I felt relieved when the door closed and I started to feel it move downwards, taking me away from all of this.

XxXxXxXxXxXx

The next day I was in a trance. My plan was to possibly meet up with Roman once more before leaving tomorrow evening and heading back home to Ohio. There was no way I was sticking around longer than that. As I let the events of the last couple of days play out in my mind over and over again I started to feel uncomfortable. I even began to regret making this trip. Feelings had been brought to the surface that I wasn't ready to deal with. Trying my hardest to ignore them and push them out of my mind, an unexpected twist was thrown at me.

My phone rang and I wanted to ignore it. I knew who it was. It could only be one of two people. Against my better judgment I picked up the call, hearing Roman's voice on the other end, just like I'd expected. "Jon! You're still here, right?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I'm still here. I leave tomorrow night." I said, sighing.

"Good. Come over tonight at about six?" he asked me.

"I can do that." I answered.

Aubrey answered the door at Roman's house that night. "Mister Jon is here!" she yelled as I walked in. My jaw dropped when I say Roman approaching with his coat on and his car keys in his hand.

"Jon, you ready to go?" he asked me as he handed his daughter her coat and helped her pull it on.

"Go? Go where?" I asked him, the answer already present in my mind without even having to hear him say it. He smiled up at me as he zipped up his daughter's coat. "Roman, can I talk to you outside for a minute?" I asked him, feeling my teeth grind together.

"Daddy will be right back in and then we'll go, okay." he told Aubrey as he followed me outside and shut the door behind us.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" I asked him in a harsh whisper as I waved my arms in front of my body. "You just think I'm going..."

"JON!" he yelled at me. "We're going to Colby's house. His wife just died. He's all alone with his daughter. The man needs some friends right now. Plus Aubrey's going to kill me of I don't let her meet Lucy." he said to me, the level of confidence in his voice unnerving.

"No. I can't. I can't do it." I told him as I walked down the front steps. "I won't do it. I don't belong there."

"What are you talking about?" he asked me. "What makes you think that?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just the last three years of my life, that's all! Roman! Why would you just assume I'm going to come with you? What the hell?" I asked him, outraged.

"I didn't. It's not _my_ idea." he said slowly. My head shot up and I met eyes with Roman, my face painted with confusion. "I talked to him today. He asked me if you were still here. He asked me to bring you."

"No, I don't believe you." I told him. The thought of Colby requesting my presence in his home was the most unbelievable thing to me. Even if he had, I didn't think it would be best to take him up on the offer. Nothing good could come of this. It would just make both of us uncomfortable, I knew it.

"Fine. Don't believe me. It's the truth. The words came out of his mouth. Not mine. I'm going to put my daughter in the car and then we're going to drive to Colby's house. You can follow me if you want to or you can turn around and run away like a coward. You choose. Stop thinking about the past for once and try to appreciate the fact that he wanted to see you again, after all this time." he told me as he opened the front door and led his daughter out by the hand.

As mad as he'd just made me I knew Roman was right. I hated to admit that he was, but I knew it was the truth. I reluctantly followed him in my rental car. We arrived at Colby's house and I found myself shaking as I sat in the front seat of my car. I wasn't prepared for this, wasn't ready for what was about to happen. Here I was, at his home. The home that up until a couple of days ago, he'd been sharing with his wife. With all of my heart, I wanted to turn the car back on and leave. Make my way back down the driveway and never return. I didn't, though. I just sat there.

"JON!" I heard Aubrey's little voice as she tapped on the window. "Hurry up. I WANT TO SEE LUCY!" Roman opened up the door, nodding in the direction of the front door.

"C'mon. Just come in and visit. Then you can leave. Only ten minutes. You can do that." he said.

I sighed. Roman didn't understand that giving in for just ten minutes would be painful, it would bring up feelings I'd suppressed for so long.

"C'mon." he repeated as Aubrey stared at me and tapped her little foot on the pavement. I got out and followed them up to the house. Roman picked up his little girl so she could ring the doorbell. Colby answered the door quickly, his daughter cradled in his arms.

We settled on the couch in Colby's living room. Looking around slowly I began to realize how much the place screamed Arianna. The décor was beautiful, hues of cream and beige all around the room accenting the warm brown shade of the walls. There was definitely something about the place that was decidedly feminine. You could tell that Colby allowed her to do all of the decorating and furnishing, it showed. Slowly I let myself relax, watching Aubrey as Roman and Colby chatted together on the other side of the room. Aubrey just stared at Lucy, watching the little baby as she slept. "Mister Jon?" she said softly as she pulled on my sleeve. "Isn't she cute?" she asked me as she pointed at Lucy.

"Yes, sweetie. She's very cute." I smiled down at her as I agreed with her statement.

"I'm going to hold her when she's bigger. Daddy told me I could. And she's going to be my friend. We're going to play with dolls together and when I'm too big to wear my princess clothes I use for dress-up I'm going to give them to Lucy and she's going to wear them..." nodding my head as I listened to the big plans that Aubrey had for the tiny baby in the bassinet, I couldn't help but smile.

After about an hour Roman announced to his daughter that it was time to go home. I stood up and watched as he put Aubrey's shoes and coat back on in the foyer. "Jon? You leaving too?" Colby asked me. I could feel his eyes on me as I searched for the right answer.

"Do you want me to leave? I could probably stay a little longer..." I told him, not sure if I was making a mistake or not in doing so.

"I wouldn't mind some company." he told me, a small smile on his face.

I smiled in return, hoping that this wouldn't end disastrously.

Colby and I sat on his couch and discussed his future as he held Lucy in his arms and fed her a bottle. "What now?" I asked him, wondering about his future.

"Well...I wanted to quit but they talked me out of it. They told me to take as much time off as I needed, though. Obviously I had to relinquish the title. That wasn't easy. Roman's going to take it with him when he leaves to go back out on the road. It's not the most painful part of all of this, but another small blow that hurts." he explained to me, his eyes fixed on his daughter as he did.

"You can't quit." I said to him, the thought of Colby giving up what he loved to do sending a jolt of pain through me. "You'll make a big comeback somewhere down the line. It'll be awesome." I grinned.

"I don't know about that. I've got so many things to think about now. What I'm doing. Where I'm going. All that really matters now is her, so I have to think about that first..." he told me as he slowly moved his daughter back and forth in his arms and rocked her to sleep. "See that rocking chair over there?" Colby asked me as he nodded across the room. "I bought that last week for Ari. I put it together the day before we went to the hospital. This morning when we got home I tried to sit in it with Lucy and I just couldn't do it, Jon. I couldn't. It's going to be a long, hard road ahead of me. I don't know if I can do it."

"Yes you can." I told him as I reached over and grabbed his arm. "You're going to do fine. I know you're going to be a great dad. You're strong. I know it."

"Thanks." he told me softly. "You know, I'm sure you weren't ready to come here today. Maybe it wasn't the best idea I've ever had. But I'm happy you're here. I just wanted to see you again, Jon. One more time, you know. I didn't want to let you leave and go back home without visiting me once more."

With those words my heart jumped. While I knew that I was happy to sit here with Colby and share some time with him, I also understood that it was dangerous. The idea seemed simple enough. Just sit with him and be normal, visit with him and keep him company. That all sounded fine...until someone said the wrong thing, bringing back memories that we both didn't want to go back over after all this time. I decided to throw caution to the wind and just let it loose, not caring what would happen because of it.

"You know what? I really didn't want to come here. These last few days I've just felt like I didn't belong." I told him. "What makes me think I have the right to sit here with you like nothing happened? It's not that easy, you know. I just feel like you'd be better off if I'd never come down here."

"Don't say that, Jon. We're just talking. We can do that. There's no rule that says you can't be here. If you think you don't belong here it's because you feel that way, not because anybody else does..." he said, trailing off. "I wouldn't have invited you here if I didn't want you to be here..." he said softly.

I nodded at him and decided to end the conversation there. Colby took Lucy to her room and put her in bed. When he returned I was shocked to see what he was carrying. He held a bottle of scotch in one hand and two glasses in the other. I shook my head immediately, telling him "Colby, I hope that you're going to use both of those glasses. I don't really drink much these days. You understand, right?" I asked as I watched him set the bottle of amber colored alcohol down on the table.

"You can have just a little drink with me." he called out from the kitchen as he grabbed some ice from the freezer. "That's a bottle of Scotch I got as a gift when I got married. I've been saving it. It's single malt, aged eighteen years." he told me as he slipped some ice into both glasses.

"Colby, you don't understand. I don't do things that I used to do. I haven't touched liquor for more than a year. I gave up smoking. I haven't..." I stopped myself then, realizing that I'd almost just told him much more than he needed to know about my sex life. "I just don't live the way I used to when we were..."

"Jon." he told me as he opened up the bottle. "I need a drink. I need to relax. My wife just died, I'm an only parent. I've had enough of life. These last few days have been hell. I want to have a couple drinks. Can you blame me?" he asked as he began pouring us both a glass.

"I guess not. Let me explain something to you before we start. I'm having one glass. One glass. Then I'm done. Got it?"

"Got it." he smiled at me as he handed me a glass. I figured that doing one more thing that was against my better judgment couldn't hurt me at this point. As long a I only had a small drink I'd be fine, it would take much more than that to get me drunk.

"So, where do you live now? I don't even know." he told me after drinking down almost half of his scotch in one long drink.

"I went back home, back to Ohio." I sighed. "I live with Sami now." I took a small sip of the drink Colby had given me, recalling how good some liquors could be and how I sometimes missed drinking. The scotch we were sharing was the good stuff, tasting like fig and vanilla with a touch of almond. No matter how good it tasted as I consumed it, it would never be worth going back to drinking the way I'd been drinking around the time Colby and I split up. Never would I do that again, no matter how hard my life got.

"Oh. You mean you...you live with Sami like...?" he looked at me with a confused look on his face as he stammered. I laughed so hard that I nearly spilled my drink all over myself as I realized what he was trying to get at.

"NO. No, I'm not with Sami. Fuck, no. He's not interested in men. And he's like my brother, anyway. That would be gross." I laughed.

"Oh. I'm sorry, Jon. I just thought...you know." Colby laughed as well. "I don't know what I was thinking to be honest. I just thought you'd be with someone. You probably have somebody back home..."

With that question I started to feel uncomfortable, shifting my body weight as I moved a little further away from him on the couch and stretched my legs out. "No. I don't have anybody." I told him.

"No boyfriend? Girlfriend?" he asked me as he brought the glass he held in his grasp up to his lips and took a drink.

"Nope." I answered. We both looked at each other and burst out into laughter as I unknowingly recited one of my very first on-air lines from our early days in the WWE. "I wasn't trying to make a joke, honest." I told him after our laughter had subsided. "Seriously, though. I haven't dated anybody since you." In telling him that I said more than I really wanted to, more than I thought he needed to know. I left it at that, not going into any greater detail.

He shrugged at me in response. It wasn't exactly the reaction I expected, but it would have to do. I could tell he was uncomfortable by the way he quickly changed the subject. "So, after our daughter was born Arianna and I were planning on moving back to Iowa. I think that it'll probably be happening much sooner than expected now that she's gone..." he told me as he ran his finger along the rim of his glass. "My parents and my brother had to leave and head back home this morning, cut their trip short. My mother has cancer, Jon. She's not well. That was one of the biggest reasons why we wanted to move back. I wanted to be closer to her so that I could spend what they tell me might be her last months with her. Now that Arianna's gone I'll need some help, anyway. I don't know who would take care of Lucy if I returned to wrestling, though. My brother could, but he lives almost an hour away from my parents. He's got kids and he'd be the best choice. My dad is getting up there in age and my mom's sick, so he's busy taking care of her anyway. It might not be so bad right now when she's small but when she's bigger it would be a burden on both of them, I know it." he told me, quickly finishing off his glass of scotch as he completed his thought.

He put me in a spot again where I didn't know how to respond. I tried my best to tell him I understood and empathized, even though I was faking it. There was no way for me to know what he was feeling, but I just wanted to give him some kind words to reassure him, and I was sure that he needed to hear them just as much as I needed to say them.

Our conversation continued as I nursed my first drink. I watched Colby carefully and saw the change happening in him, starting from the moment when he poured his third glass. Colby wasn't much of a drinker. It never took much to get him drunk when he did start drinking, especially when he was consuming liquor. As I discussed with him the success Sami and I experienced in Dragon Gate up until I suffered my shoulder injury, I noticed the way he looked at me changing. While it made me squirm a little bit I couldn't say that I didn't like it. It wasn't until he poured his fourth glass that things started to get truly heavy.

"Jon? You want another glass?" he asked me as he leaned back against the couch. His eyes told me how much the alcohol was getting to him, they opened and closed slowly as he blinked. If nothing else, at least now he looked more relaxed and somewhat more carefree than I'd seen him in the last day. "Come on...one more." he tried to convince me as he reached over and pressed his hand to my leg.

"No. One is enough for me." Reaching for the table I front of me I set down my glass that wasn't quite emptied, Colby's hand slipping off of my leg as I did. "I don't need more than that..." I told him, shaking my head. There was no way for me to pretend I wasn't just a little bit disappointed when his hand lost contact with my body.

Looking over at Colby I noticed his face change. He was half grinning at me as he stared, looking me up and down as he clutched his glass of scotch in his fist. The way he was staring at me made me feel uncomfortable. I knew that stare, I'd been on the receiving end of it many times in the past. The thought of it tonight made my eyes bulge and my skin crawl in the most delicious way, but I had to push those thoughts out of my mind. It couldn't happen that way, not now. Not again. Shaking away the memory of what that look meant I decided to put a stop to his drinking. I couldn't sit with him if he was going to gaze at me like that. I'd never be able to make it through the night. Placing the blame on how much he'd been drinking and nothing else I tried to ignore the way he stared at me and break his eye contact. "You're drunk." I finally concluded as I stood up.

"No, I'm not Jon." he slowly slurred out.

"Yes. You are." I told him as I picked up the bottle that I hadn't even realized was three quarters of the way empty now. "Shit, Colby. Look at how much of this you drank already? Tell me again you're not drunk! I know you." I laughed. "It doesn't take much, I remember. You drank over half of a bottle of scotch and I didn't even notice..." I finished as I walked to the kitchen and put the bottle away. My whole body tensed up when I heard the sound of his footsteps close behind me. I turned to find him approaching me.

"Yeah, okay. Maybe I'm a little drunk. What's wrong with that?" he asked me as he leaned against the marble surface of the kitchen island. "I feel good."

"I never said there was anything wrong with it, I just think you've had enough, that's all." I told him carefully. "Look, it's probably time I get going. Outside in the driveway I told myself I was only going to stay for ten minutes and well...you see how that turned out."

"You didn't want to stay?" he asked me as he raised his head slowly and met my eyes with his soft gaze. His dark eyes looked right into me and made my body respond in a way it hadn't in the longest time. I wouldn't let anyone get close enough to me to earn that kind of response, I hadn't in two years. There was lust in his eyes, desire. It was easily readable. The thought of him looking at me that way made me sick to my stomach and turned me on at the same time, something I'd never felt before. The same feeling from yesterday when I decided it was time to leave the hospital returned, my stomach beginning to turn in circles as Colby waited for a response.

"I think I've stayed long enough." I said softly, heading back towards the entrance of the living room.

"You didn't answer my question." he told me as he stood up straight, watching me. "You didn't want to stay?" he repeated as he took a few steps towards me.

Everything stopped for a moment as I tried to decide between telling him how I felt and fleeing. Knowing full well that I might not see him again after tonight, I picked the first option. "Colby...I..." I let out a big breath and turned to face him. "It's been good to see you. I wish that the circumstances were different, but still. Seeing you again was great. I'm honored that I got to come to the hospital and to your home to see you and your daughter. I am. But you have to understand that coming here is painful for me. You get that, right? I know you do. There's no way in hell I can stand here with you and pretend that I don't still love you, because I do. I always have and I always will. It hurts me, pains me. When you look at me that way it rips away at my insides and I just can't take it. I've gotta go. This is all too much for me..." I could have gone on all night that way, spilling out every memory and emotion that seeing him and being in his presence once again brought out, but I didn't. Stopping myself there I turned around once again and tried to make my way out of his kitchen, out of his sight.

After only making it a few steps away his hand closed over mine and I felt him pulling at me. Closing my eyes I heard the one word I didn't want to hear him say. "Wait."

"Wait for what?" I asked, pulling my hand from his grasp.

"Don't go yet. Not after that..." he told me as he reached for my hand again. I didn't allow him to take it this time, I pulled it behind myself. Slowly I backpedaled, trying to place some distance between us. "Don't run off again. Please, Jon..." he pleaded with me as he fixed his eyes on mine. That look he once again gave me caused tension to immediately arise in my body. Why did he have to look at me like that, like he wanted me? What part of him could want me after all this time? It made my head throb just to think about it. "I need you." he whispered as he attempted to close the distance between us.

"FOR WHAT?"my brow furrowed as I asked him, raising my voice. "What could you possibly need me for now? If I remember correctly the last time we were this close together you told me that I was evil and selfish. You told me that I made you hate me..." I told him as I continued to back away from him.

"That was then, Jon. I don't want to bring all of that up. Let's not even think of it. I'm not thinking about that. I'm only thinking of one thing..." he told me as he kept moving in closer and closer with every word.

After he spoke those words everything went as though it was happening in slow motion. He reached out for me and this time I didn't refuse the contact. His hands were at my hips and I found myself in a trance as I looked straight ahead and into his eyes. They were a cloud of pure lust as they gazed forward at me, making my cock stir and causing me to lick my lips. He grinned at me as he watched my tongue dart out and then back in, amused by my action. "I don't want you to go." he said in a husky whisper. Horrified to find I'd been backing up towards the wall this whole time, Colby moved me back the rest of the way so that my back was pressed to it. Nothing else made sense to me after my body made contact with that wall.

His hands roamed all over me as he pressed his nose to mine, his lips parted just enough to make my mind race. "I need you." he whispered as he pressed his body to mine.

"Shit, Colby..." I barely whispered. "I don't think we should."

Making it profusely apparent that he wasn't accepting my answer he grabbed me and locked his lips over mine. His hands fell behind me and his palms covered my ass, gently grabbing at my backside through the material of my jeans. Every part of me dissolved against him and I was trapped. I couldn't move even though I wanted to. My mind begged me to find a way to escape. My body told my brain to take some time off and just enjoy this contact with the man I'd been missing for so long. It was an internal struggle to say the least.

How easily we forget how good it feels to be in contact with another person as time passes, just the most basic feeling of appreciating the kiss of another slips away when you haven't had it for so long. His mouth against mine had never felt as good as it did this time, the soft fullness of his bottom lip brushing against my top lip as he kissed me. The taste of scotch still present on his mouth, I allowed him to slip his tongue past my lips without hesitation. Our breathing started to get heavier as our tongues met, everything becoming a haze for me as Colby pulled me to him and wrapped his leg around my body, leaning against the front of me for support.

It wasn't until he reached down between us, daring to move his hand down to cover my denim covered hard-on that I broke out kiss. "We can't. This isn't right, Colby." I protested as my mind cleared for just a moment.

"Don't think. Just kiss me. I need you. Help me, Jon. Give me something to take my mind off of everything else in the world. Let me lose myself in you one last time." he told me as he grabbed at my neck and pressed his hips against me, his hand never breaking contact with my crotch. No was the right answer, the one that would allow me to go back home tomorrow and live with myself. In saying yes I knew that things wouldn't be the same. Nothing about the request he was making made any sense to me, but I couldn't draw myself away from him. Try as I might, he had me. I was in no position to tell him no and I was aware that a major part of me didn't want to refuse him.

"Please..." he whispered to me as he gave my cock a light squeeze and pressed his lips to the sensitive spot on my neck where he always used to leave kisses when we were first together. All I needed to hear him say was that one word. After he uttered it nothing else mattered. He was mine and I was his, one more time. That easily we fell right back into each other.

Abandoning all doubts, all questions, any trace of fear, I kissed him again. Things got heated between us rapidly. His hands crept underneath the fabric of my t-shirt and teased the flesh of my stomach as I held his face in my hands, kissing him as though I was trying to express with my mouth just how much I'd missed him over the years.

Before I knew it we'd made our way down the hallway and entered Colby's bedroom. A small pang of guilt went through me as we walked in, noticing the bed and knowing that it had been the place that up until two days ago he'd been sleeping with his wife. Breathless and lost, I watched as Colby removed his shirt. As he sat down on the side of his bed he motioned with his hand for me to join him. Slowly I climbed on top of him as he brought his body down against the bed. His hands toyed with my mess of hair as I kissed him. Colby's hand once again pressed at my erection causing it to stiffen up even further as it pressed against his palm through my pants. Suddenly I realized that I needed to slow things down or this exchange between us would end up concluding just like one of my dreams would.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked him as I moved away from his face momentarily. He nodded at me, trying to pull me back down to his lips. "Wait. We have to slow down, Colby..." I warned him.

Letting out a short laugh and smiling up at me, he asked "Why? I thought things were going just right...". His words sounded like a mess of huskily slurred sweetness as they rolled off of his tongue, reminding me that he was indeed intoxicated. Part of me wondered if he would have been doing this with me now if he hadn't been drinking.

Before I knew it he had his mouth on mine again and his fingers were working at the top of my jeans, drunkenly attempting to get them off. After busily working at it for a minute he at last got the button to pop and unzipped my jeans, letting out a small moan as he realized he'd managed to get my pants undone. I nearly lost it when his hand slowly slid inside, finally making contact with my cock without any barrier between his hand and my flesh. An overpowering heat instantly started to take over my body, my skin getting hotter and hotter by the second as he moved his hand up and down along my shaft. Trying my hardest to keep my cool, I kissed him and held on to his body at the sides for support. Finally it got to be too much stimulation for me and I pulled his hand away, begging for him to stop. "Wait. Colby...I...I can't take it. You have to slow down. It's been...SHIT." I cursed out as I almost told him I hadn't been with anyone since him.

"What?" he asked me as he moved up to his elbow and peered at me through half open eyes, not understanding. "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong...?"

"No. Fuck, no. It's not you. I just...we have to take it easy, that's all." I sighed, knowing that if he continued touching me the way he had been a few moments ago that I wouldn't be able to last long and I'd embarrass myself very quickly. "Look...I don't know why I'm telling you this, I probably shouldn't..." I began explaining to him, pausing just long enough to brush my disheveled strands of hair out of my face and tuck them behind my ear. "I haven't been with anyone else, I haven't had sex. The last time I had sex was when I was with you the last time two years ago..." I confessed.

"What?" he whispered. "Seriously?" he asked me as he sat up a little more. "Why not?"

"I just...I just didn't. I couldn't be bothered. I know. I'm sick. The thought of being with someone in an intimate way after my relationship with you ended just made me feel ill. There was never any kind of desire to have sex. It was non-existent. Until tonight..." I told him as I reached out and touched his jaw with my fingers. I earned a smile as he moved his eyes up to meet mine.

"I was the last person to touch you then?" he asked me as he moved his hand up my forearm slowly.

Swallowing hard I answered him with a small, weak "Yeah." as he moved his hand up my bicep and over my shoulder.

"The last person to kiss you?" he asked me, leaning forward and pressing his lips to the erogenous spot on my neck near my ear. "You're right, that is sick. It amazes me that you didn't take another lover after me. I'm shocked, I guess I didn't know you as well as I thought I did." he whispered as his fingers worked their way into my hair. "It's fucked up, that's for sure. It's also romantic and beautiful in the most awful, twisted way." he told me in breathy words, his bearded jawline pressing against my face as he whispered out things that were enough to make my heart stop beating right then and there. "There was really nobody else?" he asked as his eyes locked on mine, his gorgeous face close to my own.

"Nobody else." I reassured him as my hands moved across the delicious expanse of exposed flesh just below his abdomen. Before I could say another word I found myself beneath his body, Colby quickly pulling me down to the bed and shifting his weight so that he was on top. Slowly I slid my palms up the full length of his body, taking a mental picture of just how exquisite he looked out of his clothing. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him as close as I could as he brought his face down to meet mine, giving me open-mouthed kisses as he pressed his groin against my hard-on.

Breaking our contact just for a split-second he quickly pulled me forward and removed my shirt. His mouth was against my bare chest within an instant, kissing and biting all over until he reached the boundary the wrapping around my shoulder created between his mouth and my skin. I thought I would explode as his mouth moved down my torso, the soft, wet kisses he left across my flesh each feeling like pure bliss. My back arched up off the bed as he continued traveling down my body, a sharp zing of pain shooting through my shoulder as I did. It didn't matter, I ignored the momentary discomfort as I surrendered myself to his touch.

Colby's fingertips once again moved the top of my jeans down my hips, leaving little kisses and flicks of his tongue on me as each inch of my skin was uncovered. Once again his hand met the length of my rigid cock, a jolt passing through me as it brushed up against him. Again feeling like I was about to lose it way too soon, I quickly asked him to stop. "Colby...slow. We have to go slow." The last thing I wanted was for this to end abruptly because of me and my self-inflicted lack of sexual activity.

Moving up and guiding him by the waist, I urged him to stand in front of me as I sat up on the edge of the bed. He pressed his hands against my shoulders to steady himself, not sure if he needed to because he was inebriated or because he was as lost in my touch as I was in his. "Pretty baby..." I mumbled against his belly button, breathing in the smell of his skin as I smiled against him. "You have no idea how much I missed you..." My passionate confession of long suppressed need for him came out slowly as I worked at the zipper of his pants. Looking up at him just for a moment I noticed his eyes were closed tightly as his chest moved up and down in a steady rhythm. Focusing on getting him out of the rest of his clothing I returned to taking off his pants. He helped me rid him of his pants by wriggling out of them the rest of the way after I'd pulled them down his hips. Moving my hand between his flesh and the band of his boxers, I took my sweet time in pulling them down his body, knowing that they were the only thing standing between myself and that gorgeous cock of his.

What I found when his clothes were all removed shocked me, my jaw falling down to my chest as I swore at the sight before me. "Holy shit..." I hissed out as I stared straight ahead at him. My eyes focused on one thing and one thing only. His tattoo.

"What?" Colby asked me as he looked down at me.

"You..." I stammered out as I felt a huge lump grow in my throat. "What is...?" somehow I managed to stutter as I dared to press my fingertips to the place on his hip where I'd carved those three little "X's" years ago, now finding that Colby had tattooed a design and words around them. Touching them gently I let my fingers trace over the little scars I'd made there, barely able to read the words that were inked there in the faint light of his bedroom. Squinting and staring at it I finally managed to read the words out loud as I felt my mind go blank. "_I don't want to die without any scars_." were the words tattooed around his scars in letters that I found eerily familiar.

"Oh..." Colby whispered as it dawned on him that I'd seen his tattoo. "I had to do it." he said to me as he pressed his hand to my face.

I sat there frozen in that spot. Once again looking at his tattoo I began to appreciate the design. Around the little letters I'd cut into his skin were thicker "X's", embedded into his skin in black ink. It exaggerated the scars, making the raised, warped skin of those marks even more prominent and beautiful. Re-reading the words on his hip in red ink it came to me where I'd heard them before. They were a quote from Tyler Durden, a main character in one of Colby's favorite Chuck Palahniuk novels called "Fight Club".

"Jesus..." I whispered out as I tried to wrap my mind around the fact that Colby had actually taken the time to put a tattoo around the permanent scars I'd left on him.

"Do you like it?" he asked as his thumb brushed against my earlobe.

Looking up at him I didn't know how to answer. The fact that he'd decorated the marks I'd made on him during a moment of heated passion made all breath leave my lungs. He'd thought enough of that memory of him and I together then to have it tattooed on his skin. I nodded at him as he gazed down at me, a smile across his lips. "It's my writing." he whispered as he cradled my jaw in his hand.

"It is?"

"Uh-huh. I wrote out the words and the artist put them to the transfer paper with the design he drew for me." Colby explained to me. "You're the only person who's seen it except for Arianna..." he told me.

"She saw this? And she was fine with it?" I asked him.

"She knew that I was getting it. I explained to her why I had those scars, she asked me. I had to tell her. I'm not sure she understood what getting the tattoo meant to me, but she didn't care that I did it. Deep down I guess she knew what it was, a tribute to what I shared with you once upon a time, forever on my body."

Everything stopped for me as I sat there, unable to understand how he could have done such a thing. Our moment was gone, I knew it. There was no way I would be able to return to being intimate with him now that I'd seen this. It was a sobering experience for me and that was putting it mildly. All kinds of things started rushing to my head, urging me to run once again. I took a mental step away from what we had been doing and realized how wrong it was, even if it was what we both wanted and needed.

The notion that I didn't belong here came back to me as I thought about the truth. I was in my ex-lover's home. He'd consumed way too much scotch and was more intoxicated than he realized or cared to admit. His newborn daughter was sleeping in her room down the hall while I engaged in foreplay with him. His wife died less than forty eight hours ago and I had the nerve to think that it was acceptable for me to be here. Thinking about it in a rational light for the first time I began to feel sick. My head started to spin as I realized all of these things all at once, my heart racing. "Colby...I..." I started to say to him as I stared at the tattoo on his body, but the words left me and I just gave up.

"What? Jon...what's the matter?" he questioned me as I slowly leaned back on my elbows. As I broke contact with him he slumped over, resting against the bed.

"Shit..." I swore as my body started to shake. Just as I was about to get up and make a hurried exit from his home I heard a sound that made my heart fall down into my stomach.

"Oh no..." Colby's words were muffled by the fact that his face was currently buried in the comforter that covered his bed. Lucy was awake and crying loudly at the other end of the hallway, her short and needy cries coming out of the baby monitor that sat on Colby's bedside table. Staring straight ahead at the red light that blinked on and off on the monitor I felt an overwhelming guilt washing over me. My hands covered my face and stress took over me. Not knowing what else to do I elbowed Colby and said his name, trying to make him get up. "COLBY!" Raising my voice I tried to shove him so that he would come up to his feet. Slowly he rolled over and looked over at me, tears running down his face.

"FUCK! What the hell am I doing?" he yelled at me, the sound of his voice drowning out his daughter's cries. "How the fuck could I do this?" he asked me as he tried to move. I watched him as he stumbled up to his feet slowly only to collapse down the mattress. Floundering once again, he attempted to make his way up to his feet so that he could take care of his crying child.

"Jon..." he slowly slurred out my name as he finally gave up and crumbled into a heap on the floor. "It's all my fault." he said slowly between sobs. "It's my fucking fault she's dead. I did this, it's my fault." he yelled.

"No, Colby. Shhhh..." I begged him as I got up and touched his shoulder. "Don't say that..."

"JON! LOOK AT ME! I'M FUCKING DRUNK ON THE FIRST NIGHT HOME WITH MY BABY! WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?" he screamed up at me, an excruciatingly painful look on his face. "Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea for you to stay? What's wrong with me? I can't even get up to take care of Lucy..." he cried as he buried his head between his knees. His words cut away at me but I tried my best to ignore them as I tried to get a handle on the situation, knowing that Colby wouldn't be able to in his current condition.

How I managed to find the strength to remain calm during all of this was beyond me. Somehow I found it and I was grateful. For the second time since I'd been here a feeling of forced responsibility came over me as I stared down at my defeated ex-lover. Knowing what I had to do I acted quickly, barely able to stand the loud cries that kept coming out of the monitor. I helped Colby up to the bed and moved him so that he rested on the bed face down. Covering him with the comforter I brushed his black curls out of the way and whispered in his ear "Don't worry. I'll take care of it.".

"You don't know what to do..." he slurred out as he raised his head slowly.  
Grinning at him I pushed his head back down to the bed. "I know enough." I said softly. "You're not going to get up and take care of her, are you? So I'll take care of it..." I told him.

Sprinting down the hallway, I followed the sound of her cries and went to her room. Little Lucy was not happy when I found her. She'd somehow managed to wriggle out of her blanket and was gnawing at her fist. "I'll take care of you." I told her softly as I carefully picked her up out of her crib. As delicately as I could I changed her diaper, remembering how the nurse had showed me yesterday. Yet again I silently thanked that nurse as I cleaned up Lucy and put a fresh diaper on her.

She stopped crying as I cradled her in my arms, instead just making gurgling noises as she gummed her knuckles. Feeling as though I had to be doing something right since I'd managed to make her stop crying, I clenched her blanket between my teeth and hurried to the kitchen.

"How the hell do I work this thing?" I asked myself out loud as I stared at the bottle warmer. Frowning, I decided quickly to just warm up her bottle the old fashioned way. Searching for a pot in a kitchen you aren't familiar with while you carefully hold a baby in your arms is more difficult than I'd ever imagined it would be, not to mention that it was something I'd never thought I'd be doing. But, here I was. I found a pot and filled it up about half way with water, putting it on the stove to warm up. While I waited I searched for the bottles and formula. I had to give little Lucy a ton of credit, she was already more patient with me than any other human being had ever been and she was only two days old. Finally I gathered all the necessary components and mixed up her formula according to the instructions on the canister. I blew upwards, attempting to get the hair out of my eyes as I prepared her bottle.

After a few minutes the steam began to rise from the pan of water and I turned it off. I let the bottle sit in the hot water until I thought it was the right temperature, testing it on my wrist several times just like the nurse had taught me, paranoid it wouldn't be right if I didn't. I decided it was just right and moved us to the living room, bottle in hand. At first I figured I'd sit on the couch with her, setting her down as I spread out her blanket. I wrapped her up in her soft pink and purple blanket and scooped her up in my arms again. I stared down at her, watching her big blue eyes as she looked up at me. She made me smile, both on the inside and the outside. I somehow forgot about any of the other events of this night, losing myself in how honored I felt to be taking care of this sweet little girl. Looking up my eyes wandered to the rocking chair that Colby had pointed out to me just a couple of hours ago.

I walked over to the rocking chair on the other side of the room with Lucy, appreciating where he'd placed it as I got closer. He'd placed the chair meant for his wife and newborn daughter in a wonderful spot. I sat down in the comfortable rocking chair and settled in with Lucy, putting her bottle in her mouth and taking in the view.

Colby was the sweetest, most thoughtful person I'd ever known, and this just reinforced that fact. He'd purchased this rocking chair and assembled it for her just in time. Where he'd put it was the most beautiful part of it all. The chair faced a bay window that overlooked the backyard of his home. It looked like a perfect scene you'd find in the pages of a home and garden magazine. I smiled as I looked down at the tiny girl in my arms. Feeling more relaxed than I had all day I watched her as she gulped down her meal. Without even realizing I started to rock back and forth slowly, making both of us more relaxed as I did.

Author's note: This chapter was supposed to be longer. I wanted to include a flashback as well, one that Jon remembers as he's holding Lucy here at the end. It'll have to wait until the next chapter. This one went on a little longer than I'd expected. I have to tell you guys that I never, EVER thought I'd be writing Jon with an infant. It was not easy and it felt strange, but good. I just do what my brain tells me to.

Also...I wanted to include a cute personal story about the tattoo scene. My husband used to work at ROH shows when he lived in Chicago. He'd help sell merch, sell programs, run errands, etc. They called him an "intern". He did it just because he loved wrestling. ANYWAY...that allowed him to meet lots of the wrestlers over the years. He met Colby when he wrestled there as Tyler Black. He knew that Colby was a fan of Chuck Palahniuk's work and he discussed it with him one night after a show, the two of them talking about an author they both admired and sharing with each other the books they enjoyed the most. Remembering this story that my husband told me, I knew what I had to include when the time came to write about what Colby's tattoo said. Just wanted to share that personal bit with you guys. As always I love you all. Thanks for reading and I hope you liked this chapter.


	3. Christine

Author's note: Thank you to all of my readers. I appreciate the fact that you take the time to read my work. I love all of you. This chapter picks up right where we left off. I wanted to include this part in the last chapter, like I said. It didn't work out that way. This time we get to another one of Jon's flashbacks. I like doing these, they're one of my favorite parts of writing this. The one we have here is inspired by a promo that Jon did as Dean Ambrose in FCW. He does a promo about William Regal and it heads in a different direction when he starts talking about things that have been taken from him. If you've never seen it, it goes like this...

"_That's what you all do. You take. You take. The drugs took my mom. The cops took my dad. The social workers came and took my little cousin. Beautiful little girl. Smart as a whip. The only positive light I ever had in my life. I COULDA PROTECTED HER! She wouldn't have had to go through what I went through, BUT THEY TOOK HER AWAY! THEY SAID I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND SHE'S GONE. They took her away just like you're taking my match away."_

Now, as always we don't know if this is true or not. Could be just a promo. Could be real. That's what I love about Jon. You don't know. He convinces you that what comes out of his mouth is true and you _feel _it because he's that damn good. I'm going to go there. I'm going to put my spin on this material and it's going to be what the flashback is about. Just like always, Jon's POV and flashback is in _italics._ The part at the end that's _underlined in italics_ is another journal entry. Here we go...

No moment can be just what it is. Not when you're me. Jonathan Good cannot let things be what they are. I've never been able to and I probably never will find a way. Things haunt me. My past haunts me with every step I take. When you've lived through things like I have you understand, but most people haven't. That's not to say that I picture myself as a "poor me" type of case, far from it. I've been through the events of my life and I've dealt with them in my own way. It doesn't stop my past from creeping back up on me every once in a while.

That's why even though I sat in Colby's home with his infant daughter warmly nestled in my arms, I couldn't enjoy it for long. It started out nice enough. I sat with her and fed her, rocking her gently as I watched her. As time passed I found myself staring down at her and thinking about a time when I had another little girl in my life. Trying as hard as I could to get rid of the memory, I shook my head and focused on Lucy. Eventually the memories took over and my moment with the baby girl in my arms was ruined. All I could think of or see as I stared down at her was my cousin that I lost. My little Christine.

_Cincinnati, Ohio _

_My cousin Christine was the sweetest little girl. I remembered the day she was born. It was in 1991, I was almost six years old. My mother was trying to quit doing drugs and go sober for the hundredth time. On this occasion, however, she'd been doing pretty good. I hadn't seen her high for over a week and I'd noticed the number of men coming and going had decreased slightly as well. Six year old me thought that maybe my mom would actually get it together this time. On the day Christine was born we went to the hospital. Christine's dad was my mom's brother Ray. My mom and her brother were exactly alike. He was a junkie just like she was. He was a horribly abusive man, going through girlfriend after girlfriend and always ending things the same way. Ray would beat them up until they either called the cops on him and they took him off to jail, leaving the girl a chance to leave. Or they would find a way to run off while he was out getting his fix. He'd replace them quickly, easily finding a new victim. _

_This time Ray got his girlfriend of the moment pregnant. I remember clutching my mom's hand as we walked through the halls of that hospital, a horrible tremble in my belly as I thought about having to see uncle Ray. He'd taken a belt to me more times than I'd like to admit, my mother usually cheering him on out of sheer relief that she wasn't the one having to discipline me. "Jon! You're going to break my nail if you keep digging at my hand like that, dammit." she told me as she pulled her hand out of my grip. I would have been shocked if I hadn't heard my mother talk to me like that so many times before. Now it was normal for me to hear her talk to me that way. _

_I watched on from the doorway as my mother visited with uncle Ray and his girlfriend. When she asked to hold the baby I felt my eyes grow big. That wasn't what I expected from my mom. She wasn't the type of woman who showed much emotion, much of any kind of sentiment. She took little Christine in her arms and sat down in a chair by the bed. "JON! Come over here and look at your cousin, boy. Don't just stand there like a statue." she ordered me. I did as she told me, not wanting to anger her or Ray. When I came over and looked down at her, I remember thinking that she was tiny. Years later I would find out that she was tiny because she was premature. Her birth had been brought on two months early by a beating that Ray delivered to Christine's mom. _

_Christine drifted in and out of my life over the course of the next five years. I'd see her occasionally and we would spend time together. She would always cling to me. I think she thought that since I was older and bigger than her I could protect her. Even at that young age, I felt as though we were linked somehow. I wouldn't figure out until later on just how connected we really were. _

_When I was eleven years old my life changed drastically, our lives changed drastically. It happened just before Christmas 1996. I'll never forget the day my mother got that call. "Yeah...? What...? When did this happen? What do you want me to do about it? Oh, you just thought you'd call me...no, you let me finish...! Now why the hell would I want that? I already got one little mouth to feed! Oh, really? Well, how much more? That much, huh? You sure? I guess I'll take her, then...but she better be ready to work. And the first time she acts up she's outta here...". I remember watching my mother as she had this phone conversation with what I would later on find out was a mostly corrupt police officer that my mother had "serviced" more than a few times. He was calling her to ask if she wanted to take in my cousin Christine. He assured her that there would be more welfare dollars thrown her way if she did accept, a proposal that my mother surely couldn't refuse. That would be more money for her drugs._

_Christine coming to live with us was shocking to me. Never had I thought my mother would allow it. Deep down I liked to think that maybe, just maybe she had a heart. That she hadn't been persuaded to let her stay with us only by the promise of more free money. I liked to think that she genuinely felt for my little cousin, that she wanted to help her after what she'd been through._

_The story of how Christine came to live with my mother and I is an awful one. No five year old child should ever have to endure what she did. I had to give her credit, she was the strongest little girl in the world. Most children wouldn't have made it out the other side of a similar ordeal with their bearings. Christine managed to keep herself together, for the most part. _

_Ray went on a bender one night, arriving home in the morning to find his girlfriend Laura in the bathroom waiting for the results of a pregnancy test to appear. Ignoring the fact that Christine was eating her breakfast at the kitchen table, Ray administered another beating to her mother. This was nothing out of the ordinary except for the fact that Ray was decidedly more vicious than he'd been in the past, most certainly because the pregnancy test came back positive._

_Learning that he had another child on the way didn't set well with Ray. I'd heard him remark on many occasions that Christine had been "a mistake" and that money he spent to keep a roof over her head, feed her...it could have been used for his drug habit. _

_On that morning Ray didn't hold back. I can only imagine poor little Christine and how she reacted as she watched all of this. Ray beat Laura until she was bloodied and unconscious. None of us really knew whether to blame what he did next on the drugs or on the fact that mental illness ran in our family. We just assumed it was a little from column A and a little from column B. No matter what was to blame, what Ray did next changed the course of our lives forever. _

_As Christine watched from the hallway in shocked silence, Ray took his favorite knife out of the top drawer of his dresser and stabbed Laura in the stomach repeatedly. He didn't stop there. Not satisfied with the fact that Christine's mother would probably die from her injuries, he shot her in the head. Shortly after he turned the gun on himself and blew his brains out. The neighbors were used to hearing the sounds of abuse coming from their apartment, so nobody really thought anything of it. Living in the bad part of Cincinnati that we did, it wasn't uncommon to hear gunshots. It was hours before anybody found Christine, huddled up in the hall closet. Shaking and scared, they found her after they'd already taken the bodies away. That's how silent she was as she kept herself hidden away in that closet. One of the officers there that day recognized Ray and knew that my mom was his sister, having used my mother for her "services" before. Instead of taking Christine to foster care he called our house. I was always grateful to him for that, even if he was a dirtbag. It saved Christine from having to hop around from group home to foster home and back again. She came to live with us instead. _

_That first day she came to our apartment she didn't look at me, she didn't look at my mother. Her eyes remained fixated on the floor as my mother explained to her that she expected her to be on her best behavior and to do what she was told. For being only cousins, Christine and I were eerily similar. She was tall for her age just like I was, skinny and lanky as well. I assumed the fact that we were skinny had more to do with the fact that we were being raised by the parents that we were than it had to do with genetics. Her hair was just a shade lighter than mine, possessing more of a light blonde hue than my dirty auburn colored curls did. Her eyes were the same size and shape as mine but they picked up more green than my blue eyes did. Over the years most people mistook us for brother and sister, an error that my mother was always quick to correct. Why would she want to claim both of us when she wasn't even woman enough to accept me as her son? The only time that I was her son and Christine was her niece was when we had to stand in line at the welfare office every month. _

_That first night was the worst. Christine and I had to share a my bedroom. The only thing my mother could manage to scrounge up for her to sleep on was an old mattress that I was positive she'd used for her "business" at some point. Deciding that there was no way Christine was sleeping on an old dirty mattress, I told her she could have my bed. I'll never forget her face as she refused, shaking her head quickly and insisting that she sleep in my closet. Horrified that my cousin would want to sleep inside a dusty old closet I tried to convince her otherwise but she wouldn't discuss it with me. Remembering that she was a traumatized, broken little five year old, I allowed her to do what she wanted. If it made her feel comfortable to sleep in the closet, then who was I to take that away from her? I cleared out what little clothing I had in there and moved the boxes that held old issues of comic books and wrestling magazines I'd borrowed from my friends over the years so that Christine could have some space. Watching her, tears filled my eyes. She huddled up in the corner of the closet, a worn out old pillow behind her head and a flimsy blanket barely covering her up. Even though she'd been living in a broken home all this time, I'd never seen her this way before. Christine always stayed positive, a smile on her face when my mother and I would come over to visit. That was, up until her father went crazy. _

_I permitted Christine to lay down to go to sleep in the closet that night even though I hated the thought of it. Shortly after midnight I woke up from my light sleep to the sounds of her sobbing. She'd closed the door so that I wouldn't see her and presumably wouldn't be able to hear her either. I opened the door to find her crying violently, her worn out blanket covering most of her face to muffle the sounds. "Christine..." I whispered to her as I pulled the blanket away from her face. "Come on. Come out here with me."_

_Picking her up I felt her small hands grip my shoulders and short whimpers leave her as she tried to calm down._

"_Jon?" she asked me when the tears had finally subsided. _

"_Yeah?"_

"_I'm scared sometimes..." she told me. Her statement made my heart break. Eleven year old me didn't know how to deal with her, it was far beyond the reach of my comprehension. I did what I could to comfort her that first night and any other night after that. When she cried I would talk to her and make her promises that I vowed to always keep, knowing that I didn't want anybody to hurt her ever again. As we came to be closer and closer I promised her that I would always be there to protect her and keep her safe so that nothing bad would ever happen to her again. I promised to take care of her. It might have sounded like a herculean task for a preadolescent boy, but something about the relationship that her and I had carved out together was special to me. We understood each other in ways that other kids would never be able to. She and I were one in the same. _

_1998_

_As the months rolled on I began to realize that my mother was worthless. She did nothing to take care of Christine like she should have. This shouldn't have come as any surprise to me, she barely provided me with the essentials that I needed to make it on a daily basis in this world and I was her son. I began to hate my mother more as time passed, resenting her for choosing to be a whore and a junkie instead of taking care of the children in her home who depended on her. I didn't feel as sorry for myself as I did for Christine. I'd already given up at age thirteen. When you hear your own mother tell you for that many years that you were stupid, worthless, dumb, ugly, that you'd never amount to anything...at some point you start to believe it. Not Christine, though. As many times as my mother had told her she'd never be anything no matter how good she did in school, it never broke her spirit. I liked to think that it was because I'd always assure her that my mother didn't know what she was talking about and that whatever came out of her mouth was bullshit. Maybe if I'd had someone to tell me that when I was younger, I wouldn't have allowed her words to get to me. _

_Christine was a smart little seven year old girl. She was the smartest kid her age, so smart that she was a grade ahead of where she should have been in school. Being an accelerated learner came with a price, though. It meant that she was in class with bigger, older kids. They always bullied her. It meant that she was in class with peers that were also the smarter children and most of them looked down on her for being a poor, parentless little girl. More times than I cared to remember she would come home from school and tell me that she hated the other kids. But, to her credit, she didn't give up. She was at the top of her class and got the best grades. I was always proud of her, even if my mother never noticed how well she did academically. _

_Christine was also a pretty little girl. This made her a target. There were sick people who roamed these streets. They couldn't be trusted. My greatest fear was that something horrible would happen to her if I wasn't there to protect her. I walked her to school every morning and met her when school got out. She never went out without me, my fears about her being kidnapped or raped not allowing me to permit her to walk down the street alone. Having to chaperone her everywhere made my school performance suffer. I was late to my first class every morning because it was more important to me that she made it to school safely than it was for me to have good grades. I didn't matter. She did. _

_Christine became my responsibility not because my mother asked me to. She wouldn't have cared if we both left for school one morning and never came back. The only thing she would have missed about us would've been the welfare benefits. I chose to take care of her because I loved that little girl more than I loved myself. I wanted to see her have a better life, to see her succeed. She would get a good education, get out of the bad part of Ohio. I promised it to not only her, but myself. She was too smart and too special to end up like all the rest...to end up like me. _

_Taking on the chosen burden of caring for my cousin wasn't easy. I did things that I didn't agree with but that were necessary to survive. In the fall I would hitch a ride to the mall with some of my friends and shoplift enough clothes for her to wear for the new school year. I was good at it. Really good. I had years of experience, having to steal most of my own clothing over the years. As the time passed I picked up odd jobs so that I had a little money in my pocket at all times to use for Christine and I to eat off of. I'd mow lawns, shovel snow, deliver newspapers. I did what I had to do to take care of her. _

_One morning in October stuck out in my memory the most when I thought about the lengths I went to to take care of my little cousin. In my home the refrigerator was always empty, with the exception of the occasional case of beer and that never lasted long. On that morning I was more angry than usual to find that there was nothing for me to give Christine for breakfast or to pack for her so she could eat lunch. Slamming the fridge door shut I motioned for Christine to wait for me as I tip-toed to my mother's room at the other end of our apartment. I was out of money and there was no way I was letting that little girl go all day without eating. Hoping to find a few dollars in a pair of her pants that were on the floor or maybe some spare change on the floor, I searched my mom's bedroom. Coming up empty I carefully moved to her dresser, sliding open the top drawer in hopes of finding her stash of money. I learned quickly that I'd made a mistake._

"_WHATTHEFUCK!" my mother screamed out as she jumped off the bed, pulling out with her the knife she kept beneath her pillow when she slept. In one quick motion she tackled me to the floor and had the knife at my throat. My eyes bulged out of my head as I stared up at the disheveled mess of rumpled hair and smeared makeup that was my mother. "DAMMIT, JON!" she yelled as she moved off of me. "Thought you were trying to steal from me. Whatta ya want?" she demanded. _

"_I need some money so I can get Christine some food." I told her as she sparked up a cigarette. _

"_I ain't got no money, so don't look at me. The welfare doesn't come in until Friday. Have to wait until then." she told me, the cigarette pressed between her lips as she stared in the mirror. _

"_You do have money, you just don't want to give it to me." I said softly, staring a hole through her as I felt the rage boiling up inside of me. _

"_DAMMIT BOY! Why you always gotta talk back? SHOULDN'T YOU FUCKING KIDS BE AT SCHOOL YET?" she screamed at me as she turned towards me. I ducked as she threw a half empty perfume bottle at me and watched as it collided with the wall and busted into little fragments that fell to the floor. _

_Flinging the door open in disgust I grabbed Christine's hand and lead her out of our "home". If my mother wasn't willing to provide for her then I would have to. Holding her hand as we walked down the street I could feel the eyes watching us. The eyes of the bums, the junkies, the dealers. Even though it was early morning they were already out. There was no time off for them. I reached down with my free hand and pulled Christine's hood up over her head as we walked. "I don't want you to get cold." I told her as I gripped her hand in mine. _

"_I know." she said as she gave my hand a squeeze. _

_As we got closer to the store I began looking around, watching for who was nearby. Deciding that the coast was clear and that she would be safe for a few minutes, I stood in the alley with her. "Chris, you stay here. I want you to hide behind this dumpster, okay. Be quiet. You don't talk to anyone. You don't look at anybody. Don't make a sound. I'll be right back. You got it?" I asked her, kneeling down in front of her so that she was at my level. _

_She nodded at me, those light green eyes of hers shining in the early morning sunlight. "Got it." she said. _

"_You have the pocket knife I gave you, right?" I asked as I stood up and pushed her behind the dumpster. _

"_Yeah." she said softly as she pointed at her pocket. Was it a good idea for a seven year old little girl to be carrying a knife? In any other neighborhood, no. Here it was necessary. I gave it to her because I knew she needed it. Even if she never used it at least it gave me a little bit of peace of mind knowing that she had it. _

_I ran across the street and around the corner to the supermarket. Hurrying through the aisles I quickly shoplifted the items I needed to feed Christine breakfast and lunch for the day. I thought I was doing good on my "shopping" trip. My items were concealed well and I hadn't seen an employee since I'd first come in. Then all of a sudden shit hit the fan. _

_Before I knew it there were three people yelling at me, two of them chasing me as I hurried to the exit. An older man wielding a broom and a younger kid in an apron and hat chased after me as I ran out of the store and back towards Christine. As guilty as I felt about shoplifting, I knew that I had to do it. They'd never catch me. I was the fastest kid at my school. I could run fast and I was never happier to possess such an ability than I was on that day. Quickly I ran back to Christine and pulled her out from behind the dumpster. She flashed me a confused look as she saw the breathless state I was in. "C'mon." I ordered her as I ducked down. "Get on my back. We gotta run." I told her, holding her legs as she jumped on my back. "Hold on." I told her as I heard their voices getting closer. She clutched at my neck as I ran with her on my back, ducking down streets and alleys until I'd lost them. _

_When we finally got to school I took Christine's backpack from her and placed the stolen food inside. In all the hurry and confusion it had slipped my mind to get something for myself to eat, but I didn't care. As long as I'd provided for her that was all that mattered. Hunger wasn't as painful as the feeling of not getting her what I knew she needed. _

_Holding her hand I walked up to the door with her. "Bye. Have a good day at school, okay?" I told her._

"_Jon? Did you steal again?" she asked as she looked up at me. _

"_Yeah. I did. I had to." I said softly._

"_What happens when you get caught?" _

"_I won't get caught. I'm too fast." I laughed. _

"_How long are we going to do this?" she asked as she pulled the door open.  
"Do what?" I asked her as I bent down to her level. _

"_Live like this?" she said to me, a sad look in her eyes. _

_I sighed and tried to fight back tears. It was too early to cry and I didn't want her to see me like that anyway, so I pushed the tears back down and swallowed hard. "Don't worry about that. I'm going to take care of you. You know that, right?" I asked her, earning a small nod. "You and I will make it out of here someday. I promise. We won't have to live like this forever. As soon as I'm old enough I'll get a job and we'll move out of here. You and me. Just you and me." I told her as I put my hand on top of her head. "Just go to school today and learn. That's all you need to worry about. I'll take care of the rest. Got it, Chris?" I asked as I faked a smile. _

"_Sure, Jon. I will." she answered as she grinned at me.  
"I love you. Have a good day at school, okay?" I told her as I hugged her to me. _

"_Thanks, Jon." she told me in her small voice. She didn't have to thank me. I was just doing what I had to do. I watched her as she disappeared into the hallway at school, only running off after I couldn't see her anymore. _

After Lucy drifted off to sleep I carefully got out of the rocking chair and brought her back to her crib. Smiling down at her, I pulled her blanket up so that she was covered and tucked the sides of it underneath her. She was a beautiful little girl, just like my cousin had been. My memories of Christine were still on my mind as I stood there at Lucy's crib and watched her sleep. I couldn't help but see the similarities between the two little girls as I thought about it more. It was no wonder that I'd thought of my cousin while sitting there with Colby's daughter, letting the thoughts about her wash over me even though they were painful. While my relationship with Christine ended up being cut short, I hoped that maybe Colby would allow me to keep him and his daughter close to me and in my life for longer than I'd been able to keep my cousin.

Slowly I began to back out of Lucy's room when I noticed the pink journal that I'd seen at the hospital. I picked it up along with the pencil that rested beside it. Making my way back to the living room I turned on a small lamp and returned to the rocking chair. Opening it might not have been my place or my right, but I figured I'd already exceeded my boundaries here in more ways than one, so why not add another thing to that list?

Reading the words that Arianna wrote on that first page tore away at my heart. It only succeeded in making me feel more guilty for having come here. She would have been a great mother. It was a shame she'd never get the chance. I read what Colby wrote on the next page, smiling a bit at his words of love for his daughter. Once I ran out of words I closed the cover and placed the journal under my arm. I walked down the hallway to Colby's bedroom. Not sure if he would wake up to the sounds of Lucy's cries when she'd wake up next, I found his alarm clock and set it to go off in three hours time. I guessed that she would be asleep at least that long.

Wandering through the kitchen I decided it was time I leave. I set the journal down on the counter alongside the pencil. Not knowing why I stood there and stared down at it, the urge to write something inside of it overtaking me. There I stood for almost fifteen minutes, staring down at the hard cover of the journal meant for Colby's daughter. I struggled with the thought of writing in it, and what to write if I did. Finally I decided to just pick up the pencil and start writing.

"_Lucy and Colby,_

_These last few days have gone by so fast. Little Lucy, you are the most beautiful little girl. I'm happy that I got to hold you and see you. You are going to have a great life, I just know it. You are such a sweet little baby and I was lucky enough to get to hold you and feed you twice while I was here. You make me feel like there is hope for me. Looking at you and watching you makes me feel like maybe I'm not a lost cause, that maybe I can be a better person. I'm trying, I've been trying ever since I lost your daddy..._

_Colby, I don't know where to begin. I would thank you again but I don't think that's what you want to hear. Tonight was both wonderful and awful at the same time, but I would never give it up. Things might have taken a strange turn and fast, but I still loved being here with you. _

_I leave tomorrow evening. If you would like to see me before I leave I'll put my phone number down here. You can call me if you want. You can choose not to as well, that's up to you. Just know that I love you and I love Lucy. This time here might have been painful, I know it was for both of us but for different reasons. I believe that all of this happened for a reason. I'm not entirely sure what it is yet, but hopefully one day we'll find out."_

Author's note: This isn't the end of the story of Jon and his cousin back then. There will be another installment down the line telling the story of how he loses her, when she gets taken away. I hope you guys liked this chapter!


	4. To Pour It Has To Rain

Author's note: Just like every other chapter I want to start this off with a thank you. Thanks to all of you who are loyal readers. I love you guys. For some reason the song "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms stuck out in my mind while writing this chapter. _"The past is gone but something might be found to take its place..." _Yeah. Also the song "Love Me Like The World Is Ending" by Ben Lee. The lyrics at the beginning are from that song. This chapter starts off with a dream that Jon's having. There will be a small part told from Colby's POV. I hope you enjoy this part of the story!

"_And they all say to pour it has to rain._

_So don't complain if we get wet in the deep end."_

"_SCARS" Slowly I read the word that was painted across the sky in front of me, reaching out and then laughing at myself as it occurred to me how ridiculous it was for me to try to reach the sky. "I can't touch that." Chuckling to myself slowly I pulled my hands back. Seated in the sand on the beach, I watched as the water slowly rolled to shore. "SCARS" Again I read the letters in front of me. They seemed so close. The idea that I couldn't touch them seemed farther away the longer I stared at them. "Where is he?" I whispered to myself as I looked around._

_The sun forced a painful sting in my eyes and I used my hand to shade my eyes from the rays, squinting as I looked for Colby. He was here, I knew it. The faint sound of his voice rang through my head. His voice was distant and I tried to find where it was coming from, the sound of his words soon echoed by the sound of laughter. Slowly the two of them came into focus, Colby and Lucy standing beside a sandcastle. A smile moved across my face as I stared at them. The sun hit Colby's back and the sweat that had gathered across his shoulders was shining in the light of it. I watched as Lucy crouched down in the sand to dig a hole, filling up her bright pink bucket with shovel after shovel of the light colored sand. She was grown up, at least six years old now in my mind. Her long black hair was pulled away from her face and put up in a pair of tight french braids. Highlighted strands of black and reddish brown shined in the sunlight as she moved on the beach, stacking up buckets filled with sand as she constructed her castle with Colby's help. _

"_They're perfect." Running my hands through the sand as I watched the two of them, I couldn't help but say out loud what I thought of the father and daughter duo. I sat in the same spot in the sand until the sun began to set on the day, the word in the sky I'd seen earlier slowly fading away as it grew darker. _

"_JON!" Her voice was so perfect, small yet powerful as I watched her run towards me with outstretched arms. "Thank you for bringing us to the beach today. I had fun." she told me as she smiled at me, her blue eyes shining. _

"_I did? I brought you to the beach?" I asked her, hugging her to me. "I don't remember coming here."_

"_You brought us here, Jon. Silly! I told you when I woke up this morning that I wanted to spend the day at the beach so you brought us." she said as she rested her head on my chest. "Thanks. I'm tired now." she sighed as her little arms pressed against my body. Watching her snuggled up there on my lap made me calm. Burying my toes in the sand and hugging the little girl to me, I closed my eyes. They didn't open until I heard the sound of waves crashing around me. _

_Upon opening my eyes I was startled to find myself in the water. "Lucy!" I yelled as I looked back to the beach. The shore was gone, the sand gone as well. All I could see was water all around me and I started to panic, waving my arms in the water and attempting to swim. _

"_She's fine." Colby told me, suddenly appearing next to me in the water. _

"_Are you sure?" I asked him, breathing heavily as I looked over at him. _

"_Of course I'm sure. Trust me." he said as he shot me a coy grin. _

"_I've always trusted you. I don't trust myself." The answer I gave him was the truth. It was the way I'd always felt. No matter how hard I'd tried to make things in my life go the right way I always found a way to fuck them up. _

"_Just let it go, Jon. It's gone. New things can begin. You have to want them. Life isn't so bad. You're not the bad guy. It's time to let go." I stared at Colby as I hunted for the meaning in his words. _

"_New things." Slowly I repeated his words, bringing my hands together underneath the water. Colby moved towards me, causing tiny ripples to form around both of our bodies as he did. They swirled and looped around my waist until they disappeared back into the water. Before I could take another breath his legs were around my waist. His forearms rested on my shoulders as he pulled our bodies together. I felt his heels dig into my back as he closed the small gap that was left between us and sealed his lips against mine. It was all I could to to hold on for dear life as he kissed me. As he continued to assault me with his lips I thought I would fall over, causing both of us to crash down into the water. Somehow I maintained my balance and we stayed just like that, in a tight embrace as we kissed. _

_Colby's hair was warm and damp against my palm. I held the back of his head as his lips roamed over my jawline and down my neck. "You smell like sunshine." he whispered in my ear, his tongue darting out to leave a gentle flick across my earlobe. _

"_That is the cheesiest thing I've ever heard you say, I swear!" I told him between breathless laughs. _

"_HEY!" he yelled at me, breaking our contact and shoving me down. My whole body became submerged in the warmth of the water as I fell. Holding my breath I reached for him, Colby's body immersed in the water as well. This time I wrapped my legs around his torso and held on as we gently floated to the surface. His big toothy grin was a beautiful sight as we coasted across the top of the water, my head resting on his chest. _

That next morning I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. Panicking, I gasped for breath and fumbled as I reached for it. "Ello?"

"Jon! You're still coming home today, right?" Sami's voice came through the phone and assaulted my eardrum.

"Holy shit, do you have to yell?" I asked him as I moved the phone a little farther away from my ear. Slowly I realized I'd been deep in another dream. Peeking underneath the sheets I found myself half-hard and sweaty, relieved that this dream hadn't concluded like all the other ones.

"Sorry, brother. You know I can't control the volume of my voice. It's a gift. So, you'll be home today?" he asked me again.

"I'll be home late. Like, late late. I don't leave until late afternoon as long as everything goes as planned." Waking up a little more I searched for the right words to use to tell Sami about the events of the last few days.

"How's the trip going? Did I wake you?" he asked me.

"The trip's been interesting, to say the least. Yeah, you did wake me up, you prick. I should thank you, though. I think you saved me from another dream..." Yawning and stretching my arm over my head, I listened as Sami told me once again that I needed to get laid.

"Thanks, Dr. Ruth. I'm not really worried about that right now." I told him jokingly. "You want to hear about the last few days?"

Colby's house...

Standing in my kitchen with Lucy in my arms I stared down at the familiar handwriting on the third page of the journal we'd started for her. My fingers gently moved over the words, appreciating every little curve and bump of his writing as I touched them to the lined page. I ran a gamut of emotions as I read and reread the words Jon had put down on the paper. First I smiled, happy that he'd left me a way to get in touch with him once again. Next I was touched, deeply touched that he'd stopped to write in her journal after I'd passed out for the night. Then came the feelings of shame and embarrassment. They washed over me hard as I recalled how much I'd had to drink and how quickly I'd downed it, making a total ass of myself in the events that followed.

I must have played around in my mind with the idea of calling him for a few hours after my alarm went off, another cute reminder that he'd been here with me last night. He took care of my crying daughter when I'd found myself too intoxicated to do it myself. As if that wasn't enough to warm my heart, he then made sure he set my alarm clock so that I would wake up the next time my daughter needed me. Who the hell was this Jon? He sure as hell wasn't the same man who walked out of that hotel room two years ago. This was a man I wasn't sure I knew and he fascinated me. Could he really be different?

I left our relationship convinced that no, he would never be any different. Jon was Jon and no matter how long both of us lived, he wouldn't be anything but. With much regret I gave up on him back then, relinquishing all hope that our union could ever survive if things were going to continue in the direction we had started to head. My heart broke that night I told him we couldn't keep going. Our last verbal exchange troubled me. Jon's words lived in my head. No matter how I tried they wouldn't leave. I found no peace until I returned myself heart first into my relationship with Arianna. In a thinly disguised attempt to get over Jon I lost myself in reuniting with her. Though I was still in love with Jon and I was fully aware that forgetting about him would be harder than any other thing I'd ever done, I told Arianna that I wanted to be with her. She comforted me in ways that made the sting of heartbreak a little more bearable. Soon I asked her to marry me. My heart was especially heavy that day. Secretly I was hoping that marrying her would make me finally bury my memories of Jon. No such luck.

Sitting on my couch and thinking about my wife, I began feeling guilty about what I'd done last night. Here I was, mourning the loss of my daughter's mother and what had I done? Made a move on my ex lover. "Dammit..." I whispered to myself, my palm planted on my forehead. "What the hell is wrong with me?" I asked myself softly. No matter how much alcohol I'd consumed there was no way to justify what had taken place just under twelve hours ago. How foolish could I be?

Arianna filled a hole in my life that was created when I chose to end my life with Jon. She was there for me during a period in my life when I needed someone. Her presence was always something that made me more calm, more confident about moving forward in a future that didn't include Jon. Roman told me early on in my renewed relationship with her that he thought I was making a mistake. He tried to convince me that I wasn't making the right decision when I asked her to marry me, that I needed more time. While I appreciated his input on my love life, I respectfully declined to take his advice. Somewhere in the back of my mind I understood that he was right.

I could never say that I didn't love Arianna. I did love her. She was my friend and my partner. Ari stood by my side while my career blossomed. She was there in my corner to support me. So many nights I was beat, I felt tired from traveling and doing press. I'd see her in the crowd from my position in the ring and everything would feel like it was worth it again, her welcoming smile renewing my faith in all things. While the first time we dated she wasn't supportive of my career, this time was completely different. I supposed she came to the conclusion that if she wanted to be with me she would have to accept my choice of profession. So, she did. Never once while I was champion did she complain. All the time I traveled, the hours I spent away while she was pregnant, the time I wasted sleeping when I did return home exhausted...she never complained. My appreciation ran deep and I tried to express to her just how grateful I was to have her with me as I achieved my dreams.

Not only was I grateful for her companionship during my career, but I was also thankful that she stuck by me while I grieved, while I tried to forget about Jon. I told her many details of my relationship with him and she listened while I let it all out. She tried her best to fill the void left by that man, but it was no use. Even if I loved her, even if she was carrying my baby...I still thought of Jon. Over time the thoughts became less frequent and they were not as intense. He was never far from my mind, though. Did I love Arianna the way I'd loved Jon? No. I doubted my ability to love anyone else as much as I'd loved him. Now he was back.

Still able to taste the scotch in my mouth, I loaded up the dishwasher and waited for the bottle warmer to tell me that Lucy's bottle was the right temperature. My head throbbed and my eyes felt sore as I thought of what had occurred between Jon and I in my bedroom last night. What possessed me to kiss him in the first place I didn't understand fully. I think I was scared of letting him walk out once more. The fear that I might not see him again frightened me to the point where I would have done anything to make him agree to stay. So, I did.

Jon's kiss had felt just like it did years ago. Pressing his body against my kitchen wall and kissing him, the electricity shared between us as we did...it felt like we'd never ended. How it could feel so right and yet so horribly wrong at the same time was beyond me. But it had. Then came the moment that brought everything to a halt. When he saw my tattoo for the first time.

To be honest, the fact that I had it slipped my mind completely. That was until I saw the hardened look on his face last night as he stared at it. Getting that tattoo meant so much to me. On a whim, I ventured to my favorite tattoo artist one late night. I bared for him the scars that only two other people in the world had seen, the marks that Jon left on my body. In no time I was writing out on transfer paper the phrase I so badly needed to get inked across my skin. I never imagined what would happen if Jon saw my tattoo. He wasn't supposed to see it. It was private, covered. I made sure that the design would never be seen, that my wrestling trunks would conceal it. That tattoo was to me exactly what I'd told Jon it was last night. It was my tribute to our relationship. There was good and there was bad. All in all, if you thought about it for long enough and looked at it the right way, it was beautiful. That was how I felt about having that tattoo around the permanent scars Jon had given me. They reflected how I felt on the inside, the way Jon's permanent scars on the inside of me felt too. Yes, there were little imperfections. But over time they were accepted and you loved them. It was the perfect metaphor for my failed relationship with Jon.

Tossing ideas and scenarios around in my mind for some time, I finally decided it was best to call him. I placed my sleeping daughter in her crib and returned to my kitchen, clutching my phone in my hand. Letting out a deep breath, I read the numbers off of the lined page in Lucy's journal and pressed the corresponding buttons on my phone. Jon's voice on the other end made me smile.

"Colby. I was hoping you'd call." he told me, his voice soft. "Listen...I was hoping that we could see each other one more time before I have to leave. Is that possible?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that's possible. You can come over on one condition." I told him.

"What's that?" he wondered, his tone serious.

"Bring me coffee."

An hour later...

Somehow I was more nervous to see Colby today than I had been at any other point in this trip. Probably because we'd come dangerously close to having sex last night. The warm smile he gave me as he opened his front door for me helped me set aside some of the mixed emotions I was experiencing.

Sitting on Colby's couch as we sipped coffee, I tried to figure out what the best beginning would be for our last conversation before I returned home to Ohio. Coming up empty, I decided that I would just ask him the same question I'd asked him last night. "What now?"

Colby's eyes moved over to meet mine, his lips twisting in a confused expression. "I don't know." he told me as his shoulders moved in, shrugging at my question. "I don't know. That's a question I can't answer, Jon. Everything is so up in the air for me right now. I don't think we can worry about 'what now'. There's one thing I know. I need to thank you for last night. You must think I'm a complete asshole for what I did."

"No. I don't think that." I told him, letting out a short laugh. "It happens to the best of us. You've seen me stumbling drunk more times than I'd care to admit. You can have one time. You earned it, I think."

"It didn't seem like I was that far gone..." he said to me as he let out a small giggle. "But you know it doesn't really take much. I'm just lucky you were still here. That scotch really crept up on me. You know...I wouldn't have even brought it out if you hadn't been here. I assumed you'd help me drink it. It wasn't my intention to end up drinking most of it by myself. That didn't happen though. Before I knew it, you and I were half naked in my bedroom and your jaw was on the floor at the sight of my tattoo. Seriously, thank you. I can't say it enough. It was my fault for drinking too much, and I really do appreciate what you did for me. Well, for us. I promise that I'll never put you in that situation again..." His giggle as he talked about how much he'd had to drink last night put me at ease. At least he was making light of the situation. That was a good sign. On the way here, I was positive that he'd somehow blame me for what had happened. That was just my nature, though...to assume that I would be the one who had to take the blame when something went wrong.

We sat quiet for a few moments, Colby breaking the silence by asking me about what I'd confessed to him last night while we were drinking. "You really haven't had a drink of liquor in a year?"

"Haven't touched the stuff, until last night." I smiled.

"Why not?"

"I didn't see the point in getting shitfaced drunk any longer. What fun was it? I won't lie to you, Colby. I've had a few beers here and there, but no liquor. There's been no drinking on my part like there used to be. Not like I'm sure you remember..." I told him, memories of the many times during our relationship I fucked things up by being inebriated rushing back to me.

"And you quit smoking?" he asked me, shifting so that he leaned in closer to me as he spoke.

"Yep." I told him. "It got to the point where I didn't care for the way that my lungs burned when I ran. Plus Sami's dad was suffering from lung cancer when I first got back to Ohio, that was a big eye-opener." I explained to him.

"You haven't had sex either?" he asked me. "That's the thing I find the hardest to believe, in all of this." I watched Colby as he brushed his black hair off of his forehead, pulling it back behind his head and securing it tightly in a ponytail as he kept talking to me about my sex life, or lack thereof. "It just seems so out of character to me, you being...well...celibate. That's not you, is it? Not that I've ever known."

"Maybe I'm not the same guy I used to be." I said softly. "I'm not saying I've made this big turn around and that now I'm perfect. We both know I'm far from it. I will say that I've spent the last two years thinking about my life and trying my damnedest to make the adjustments I thought I needed to. Am I the same guy who you were with two years ago? No. Hell no, I'm not. I'm proud to say that. That person was horrible, that man I was at the end. He was so awful that I lost someone I dearly loved. That killed me, you know it did. I could have lived a sweet life with you and I ruined it. You can take some of the blame if it makes you feel any better, but I know who's in the wrong. I am. I was." I pointed at myself as I made my point to him, pressing my fingertips into my chest as I felt the lump in my throat begin to expand. "I'm not that guy now. My life now is nothing like it used to be. Maybe this guy is better. He's more simple, I know that. And he's easier to live with. I don't need anything like I used to...the booze, the pills...when I injured my shoulder the doctor started to write me out a prescription for painkillers. I told him not to waste the paper. I didn't want them." Sighing, I tried to remember what direction I had planned on heading with my rant, losing myself in trying to express to Colby that my life now was nothing like it used to be. Somewhere in all of it, I misplaced whether I was trying to convince Colby or myself.

"I can't tell you how much time I've spent over the last two years just thinking about you, dreaming of you. You can't possibly imagine." I sighed, watching Colby as he listened intently. "Yes, I tried to improve who I was. Did I do it for me? Most of the time. But you know what motivated me the most?" I asked him, cocking my head to the side.

"What, Jon?" he asked, gripping the cardboard coffee cup in his hands as he watched me.

"The thought that one day I might see you again, for more than just a passing moment at WrestleMania weekend across a crowded room." I told him, once again finding that my knuckles were turning bright white as I gripped my kneecaps. Slowly I released the grip I had on myself, taking a deep breath as I continued. "I knew I would see you again one day and I didn't want to disappoint you again. You deserved to see me at my best. In some fucked up way I felt like I owed it to you. So I tried my best to be more than I was back then, with the thought of you in my head. I knew that if I saw you again sometime in the future, I didn't want you to look at me and see the same damn fuck-up from before..." I concluded, stuttering at the end as I felt my ears start to burn and tears swell over my eyelashes.

"Jon..." Colby whispered out my name softly as he reached over for me, gripping the back of my neck with his hand and pulling me towards him. Resting my head on his shoulder, I tried my best to calm myself. This wasn't the way I wanted our last exchange before I left to go. Swiping the back of his hand across my cheek, Colby rid my face of the few tears that I had allowed myself to shed. "You aren't a fuck-up. I don't think that..." he told me softly. "Jon..." The sound of him whispering out my name once more made my eyes shift over to his, a small smile on his face as he gazed at me with his big, dark eyes. I found myself as lost in those dark eyes in that moment as I had been years ago. Colby took my face in his hands and pulled me to him, our lips meeting. Greedily I gripped his forearms, exploding inside at not only the touch of his lips with mine, but at the notion that he wanted to kiss me. Here he was, still willing to share a kiss with me even after everything we'd been through. Today he was sober and he still wanted to kiss me. The idea amazed me. I hungrily returned his kiss, our tongues barely beginning to meet when the interruption came.

"Mmmmph." he grumbled as Lucy's cries spread through the house. "She sure knows when to wake up, huh?" he joked as he let go of my face.

I smiled at him as I moved away. "Yeah." I laughed. "It's alright."

"I'll be right back." he told me, going to care for his little girl.

Patiently I waited on the couch until they came to join me, Colby holding his daughter and a fresh bottle in his arms as he sat back down beside me. "Obviously you know that I found what you wrote in her journal." he said to me as he stared down at his little girl drinking from her bottle. "Your words were very sweet, Jon. It was a relief to see that you'd put down your phone number."

"I wasn't sure you'd call." I told him.

"The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that I couldn't let you leave without seeing you one last time." he said as he glanced over at me and grinned. "I needed to apologize, thank you, and tell you goodbye. I at least wanted that much."

Smiling at him, I moved my hand over and placed it on his leg. "Thank you."

Long after Lucy had finished her bottle Colby still sat on the couch, cradling her in his arms. She was fussing now, on the verge of falling asleep once again but fighting it. "Can I?" I asked him as I held out my arms. "One more time?"

"Sure, Jon." he nodded as he sat up, preparing to hand his little girl off to me.

"Do you mind if I sit..." I asked him, motioning over towards the rocking chair across the room.

He looked over to the empty rocking chair where his wife should have been seated, an abundantly clear look of pain instantly spreading across his handsome features. Maybe I'd said the wrong thing. "Shit, I'm sorry...I probably shouldn't have..."

"No, it's fine." he stopped me by saying. He placed his daughter in my arms and I pressed her to my chest, taking in the sight of her tiny facial features as I gripped her to my body. "It's okay, Jon. Look...someone should use that rocking chair. I can't. I just can't bring myself to do it. There's no way. You should, if you want to. Go ahead." he told me as he motioned over to the other side of the room.

I sat in the chair meant for Colby's wife, feeling a bit less officious this time as I thought about what he'd just said to me. As I rocked Lucy back and forth slowly, she began to drift off to sleep. Her eyes slowly closed more and more, her little eyelashes fluttering more slowly over her bright blue eyes as she dozed off once again. "Jon?" My head moved up slowly as I heard Colby say my name from a close proximity. "Smile." he commanded as he snapped a picture of me sitting there with his daughter wrapped up in my embrace.

"What's that for?" I asked him as I grinned.

"So I can remember this." he told me as he moved around us, coming to stand behind the rocking chair. "The thought just hit me. I had to take a picture. I never thought I'd see the day that I'd become a father. It wasn't planned, I can tell you that much. More than that, I never dreamed I'd see the day when you held a baby in your arms...much less MY baby." he told me as he pressed his palm to my cheek. "I couldn't resist. That moment had to be saved, preserved forever. And anyway...I need something to remember you with." He laughed, causing me to let out a short laugh as well. "You know that I don't need a photo to remember you. You're always there..." he told me as he moved his fingertips across my chin. I took in a sharp breath, his words and actions striking me at the same time. They were so tender to me that it made my heart ache to think that I'd have to be leaving soon. "Literally...like...on my body..." I laughed as leaned back and looked up at him. "You're pretty good at this whole taking care of a baby thing." he commented as he came around to the side of the rocking chair, kneeling down at the arm so that he looked up at us.

"I have no idea where this comes from, Colby. I swear. It must be because it's your daughter and no other reason. I've never wanted to hold a baby before. I never had held a baby, until the other day at the hospital."

"Really?" he asked me, a big smile across his face. "That's adorable." he grinned. "They say she looks like me, but I don't see it."

"She looks like Lucy." I told him, staring down at the sleeping infant in my arms.  
"You know what the most fucked up part is?" he asked me, reaching over me and pressing his fingertips to his daughter's forehead. "She's got blue eyes. Most babies are born with blue eyes and then they change. That's common, that's what the nurse told me. I think she's going to keep those big blue eyes, though. They're just like Arianna's. They're just like yours. Yesterday I was looking at them and I swear...I fucking swear...I saw you. I saw your eyes. Isn't that insane?" he awkwardly laughed.

Not knowing what else to day to him in that moment, I just let out a short, soft "Yeah..." as I looked over at him.

The time came for me to say goodbye to both Colby and Lucy. Reluctantly, I handed the warm little girl back over to her father so that he could put her to bed. I slowly made my way over to the front door and waited for Colby so I could say farewell to him. "It was great to see you again, Jon." he told me as he walked over towards me.

"Yeah. Yeah, same here." I told him.

"I'm going to miss you. And I'm going to think about you..." he said to me as he pulled me in. "When you get home you call me, okay?" he asked me, his eyes meeting mine as his hands moved up my chest.

"Sure. I will." I answered, distracted by the look in his eyes and the sensation of his touch.

"Like I told you, I'm moving back up to Iowa. Should be happening soon. Maybe once I'm there we can see each other again." he said to me, resting his head against my shoulder. "It's only what, six hours separating us if I move back home?" he asked me. "That's not so bad..." he mumbled.

"What are you telling me here, Colby? You want to see me again?" I asked him, a jolt of hope washing over me.

"Yeah. Of course I do, Jon." he said as he pressed his cheek to mine. "What, did you think this was it...?" he asked me, holding my face in his hands once more.

"Well...yes." I said softly. "I'm sorry, I just didn't think..." Colby broke my sentence by kissing me again, those full lips of his closing over mine and stifling my words. I held his body to mine, my hands pressed against the small of his back. We kissed for a long time, so wrapped up in each other that I forgot any bad memory I had of losing him. Here he was once again, back in my embrace. Feeling like I was beginning to get choked up once again, I moved away from our kiss.

"I hate to do this, but I do have to leave, Colby. I have a flight to catch." I told him, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it hard three times.

"Kiss me one more time, Jon. Just give me one more thing to remember you..." he said as he flashed me a sultry look through half open eyes. I couldn't refuse. I kissed him again, holding his body to mine as I did.

"I love you. I've loved you all this time and I'm going to keep loving you..." I told him as we embraced.

"I love you, Jon." he whispered in my ear. "I don't know where our lives are going, but maybe somewhere along the way we'll figure this thing out." he told me as he opened the door.

"Yeah." I said softly as I pressed my palm to his cheek one last time. "I hope so."

Author's note: Just a transition chapter, of sorts. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Hopefully the next part of the story will come out more quickly. I'm not going to lie, I got caught up fangirlin' over the last couple of weeks with all of the Shield action we've been getting. I now hate myself for jumping into the future. I would totally have done a chapter where they fooled around in the helicopter had I known. Oh well...


	5. Chameleon Boy

Author's note: Thank you to all my readers and to those of you who always take time to review. Even BIGGER thank you to the few of you lovelies who I have been in contact with on a regular basis through private messaging and other sites. You know who you are. A quick note before we start. Music. A big thank you goes out to mxjoyride who suggested that "Sober" by the band Tool was a great song that goes along with my story, with Jon as I've written him. She's right! I think that if there's a song that describes Jon the first part of the story then that's the one. For the second part, I have narrowed it down to another song named "Sober", this time by Pink. Same name, different songs. Both Jon. The song by Pink would be where he is now.

Prepare yourself. This part of the story will travel back to the past yet again. Remember in the last chapter of Feel Again when Jon told Colby there was something in the past he didn't care to discuss? Here it comes. That also brings up the ending of the story of Jon and his cousin Christine. The song that goes along with that part of the story is called "Chameleon Boy" and it's by the band Blue October. You can find it on the album "History For Sale", as suggested to me by sberryluv. I think that the song "Chameleon Boy" fits Jon perfectly. Let me break it down for you and explain some of my favorite lines of the song...

"_I changed my color for you. I shed my coat with caution."_

A reflection of how Jon's changed over the years and how now that he's beginning to reconnect with Colby he's willing to open up again and let his guard down, beginning with telling him the story included in this chapter.

"_I lack the beauty you display."_

Jon's always put Colby up on this pedestal in my head, he never thought he was good enough for him.

"_See here they are the bruises, and some were self-inflicted, and some showed up along the way."_

Some were self-inflicted would be his wresting career and also sort of how he tries to take the blame for things even when they might not have been entirely his fault. Some showed up along the way would be things that have happened to him over the years that he had no control over.

"_So I nod my head I'm ready for the world to see, the secret I kept here inside. The man you thought I'd be."_

The secret obviously is what Jon didn't want to tell Colby back then. "The man you thought I'd be..." that can apply to many things. To Christine because he feels like he let her down. To Colby because of their failed relationship. To his wrestling career even, he couldn't make it in WWE and now he's back to the indies.

"_So now we've come upon the hardest thing I've ever done. It's telling you that I'm a mess."_

Again, the story that Jon has never told anyone that will (if I convey it the way I hope I can) end up explaining Jon's behavior over the years, why he is the way he is. What made him that way? You're gonna find out.

"_What sort of mess? I mean a self-destructive gasoline. The kind that strips you of your best."_

I think we'd all agree he's been pretty self-destructive over the years and it's cost him.

"_And while I play instead the way that most would end up dead."_

Describes Jon's alcohol and drug problems over the years as well as his choice of hardcore wrestling style and emotional state that is very fragile.

"_With this I'm telling you my color changes back to blue. How do I ask you this? Will you help me through?"_

Jon is proud. He doesn't like to ask for help. I think in one of his promos he he says something along those lines. "I've never needed help from anyone and I never will...". He also doesn't really want Colby or anyone else to know this story, but I like to think that I've brought them to a point now where he's a little more comfortable telling it than he was a few years ago. He's a different Jon and he wants to be able to open up to Colby more. He sort of hopes that in sharing with him it'll help them reconnect, bring them closer together.

"_I try to think of all the people I looked up to. Growing up who would I be? Now the twisted part. Where did all my idols end up? They've all passed away."_

In Jon's promo from HWA Unbreakable (one of my favorites) he talks about conclusions he's come to and thing's he's accepted about his life, his destiny. One of them is as follows..."Number three...I'm going to die a very young death. That's fine...you know...that's cool. It's not so bad. All my heroes are dead anyway so at least I'll be in good company."

Now, I know I didn't really need to explain all of this to you guys, I'm sure you'll get it as you read. Just thought I'd share. I hope you all enjoy this part of their story. It might be heart wrenching, but it's Jon's story as I see it. This is from Jon's POV. Here we go...

Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope creeps in when you least expect it and leaves a bug inside your brain. The more you dwell on the notion the deeper it becomes for you, until you're almost obsessed. Hoping for something makes you happy but it also makes you walk a tightrope. You could fall either direction and there's no way to determine which way fate will have you lean. Hope makes you believe that there's actually a chance for fulfillment. There may be. Then again, maybe not.

Hope is what I felt when I boarded that plane leaving Florida and bringing me back home to Ohio. I've wasted my time wallowing in it ever since. A few days with Colby and WHAM! I'm right back where I was before. Hoping. Hoping that maybe this time things would work. Things were different now, right? For the both of us, this was true. Hoping would seem foolish if I'd started any sooner. Beginning to hold out hope that maybe this time around would be different seemed logical. I had no reason not to, not after the way we'd left each other.

Hope. That beautiful, horrible, sweet thing that I'd been clinging to so hard. I knew things might not work the way I so desired they would. I no longer cared. If all this ever amounted to was me hoping then I supposed I'd have to live with it. Only time would tell...

* * *

March 2016

It was Tuesday morning I'd only been awake for a few minutes when my phone went off, notifying me that I had received a new text message. It was well after ten o'clock, I should have been awake long ago. Instead of hitting the gym this morning I elected instead to stay in bed. Rubbing my eyes and trying to make sense out of being awake, I looked down at my phone. "Webcam?" The single word text message that Colby sent my way made me smile. I felt like a little kid as I bounded down the hallway towards Sami's room. Over the course of the last three months, I'd talked with Colby on the phone and used Sami's webcam to see him and his daughter many times. As I sat down at Sami's computer desk I recalled our first experience on the webcam together. I had no idea how to use it, not being much of a computer person. I could probably check my email if I needed to and I knew how to pay my bills online. Every now and then I browsed the internet, but I figured I didn't really need to know much more than that. Until one afternoon Colby suggested we could turn on our webcams so I could see him, that is. Sami helped me out a bunch that first time. Somehow I was nervous as fuck, not only because I felt like I didn't really know what I was doing but because here I was getting to see Colby and Lucy, and they could see me as well.

Firing up Sami's computer, I found myself rubbing my hand across my four day old stubble and trying to rearrange my mess of tangled bed-head with my free fingers. All of a sudden a "what the fuck am I doing?" type of feeling hit me and I had to laugh at myself. He didn't care what I looked like. Neither did Lucy. Why was this worrying me? Down inside I knew why. Because he made me anxious. The thought of him made me excited and horrified at the same time. It twisted at my insides and caused that hope to wash over me again. I took a good, deep breath as I opened up chat with Colby and turned on the camera.

That face, god...his face. The sight of his face as it flashed into view on the screen made me lose what little grip on reality I still had left. Nothing was more beautiful to me than the sight of his face. He started to talk to me and smile his big, cute smile but I was at a loss as to what he was saying. I was too busy studying his jawline and the way his slicked back black hair was shining in the sunlight. Sometimes when I looked at him now, I had no idea how I'd walked away from him that night when he informed me we couldn't be together.

"Jon?"

"Yeah." I said to him as I snapped back to the moment.  
"I'll be right back. Lucy just woke up."

"Good. I want to see her too." I smiled. After a few minutes Colby came back into view with his daughter in his arms. "She's so gorgeous, Colby."

"She's growing so fast. It's amazing. You know, you hear everybody tell you 'Oh, it goes by so quickly! They grow up so fast...' but you don't believe it. I guess they're right." he told me as he grinned and Lucy cooed in her tiny little tone. "Anyway...you probably already know why I wanted to see you." he told me, staring right at me. The look in his eyes made me nervous, but in the best possible way.

"Remind me." I answered.

"Jon? C'mon. Where do you think I am right now? What did I tell you two weeks ago?" he asked me impatiently as he shifted his little girl in his arms.

"Aww...shit." The answer suddenly came to me and I felt my eyes grow uncomfortably wide in reaction. Several weeks ago he'd been most excited and animated to inform me that he'd be finalizing his move to Iowa soon. This, apparently...was soon.

"I'm back home." he told me, those words sounding sweeter than I'd expected them to as they hit my ears.

"Shit, I wondered why I hadn't heard from you in a few days." I mumbled as I studied the picture of my former lover and his baby that was before me on the screen.

"I was a little busy." he laughed. "Actually I just got everything unpacked this morning."

"Yeah? That's great." I told him as I lost myself in the ethereal visual that was being presented to me. Seeming almost too good to be true, I shook my head slowly. The fact that Colby was still involved in my life after all these years shocked me, but made me happier than I'd ever recalled being. How I managed to earn this was far beyond my understanding, but I accepted it. His love and acceptance meant more to me than anything else in this world. Seeing him and his little daughter was more than I deserved, and I was a damn lucky man to have this as part of my life.

Colby had been talking to me for a few minutes, but I only really heard about half of what he'd been saying, still lost in my thoughts. "...so you think that's possible, then?" he asked me. "...JON?..."

"Huh?" I asked him, shaking away the distraction my wandering mind had provided. "What did you say? Sorry, I zoned out..."

"Man. You're just in outer space sometimes, I swear..." he laughed. "I was asking you about coming here for a visit. Next week would be great, if you're not busy or traveling." he told me, moving his daughter as she began to fuss.

"A visit? You mean come to Iowa?" I asked him, amazed. "Yeah. Fuck...I'd love to."

"Really?" he asked me, looking up and directly at me. "I'd like to see you."

Smiling, I returned the sentiment. "I'd love to see you, Colby. Your little Lucy too." My heart pounded as the warmest smile spread across his face.

"So you could get here on Thursday of next week and stay for like, a long weekend? Leave on Sunday? I suppose you could spend as much time as you wanted, really. I'm not exactly going anywhere..." he laughed.

"Sure. I'll be there." I told him, trying my best to not allow him to see how ecstatic I was at just the thought of seeing him once again. Our conversation continued for another half hour or so until Colby had to leave for Lucy's feeding time. I can't say I wasn't a bit disappointed, but the lingering thought of being able to actually see him in person very soon comforted me. After we said our goodbyes Colby added in a little more to our conversation that sent my excitement level straight through the roof.

"Jon? One more thing...I've missed you. I can't wait to see you." he told me, a surprisingly serious look on his face.

"Yeah. Me too. I've been thinking about you..."

"Same here. You look good..." he smiled.

Letting out an awkward laugh, I tried to hide the fact that I didn't know what to say next, letting a little "Thanks." suffice.

"I'll see you next week." he told me as he gave me a wide grin and a small wave goodbye. That was it. I watched his face fade away as he turned off his camera. Our interaction would have to tide me over until next week came.

* * *

The next week...

The entire ride to the airport with Sami, I found myself unreasonably nervous. He could tell. "Man, Jon. Stop twitching your leg like that. You haven't been still for a moment since we got in the car. And stop chewing on your thumb..."

"Kiss my ass. This isn't easy. You know that." I mumbled, not even realizing that I'd been mindlessly gnawing at the dead skin on the side of my left thumb. I chalked it up to my uneasy state as I stiffened up in the seat and tried to calm myself. "Seeing him again Sami...that's a big deal. At least to me."

"Well shit, Jon. It must be for him too or he wouldn't have offered." Sami answered, checking the rear-view mirror as he shifted lanes. "He must want to see you too."

"Yeah." I said softly. "Yeah."

On the plane was no better. As we got closer to Iowa my palms grew damp and my head was swimming with anticipation. What did Colby's new home look like? How much different did Lucy look since last I'd seen her? Most importantly, how would this visit pan out? Did Colby still feel about me the way he felt when I left his old home in Florida? Were we going to pick up from the last time I'd seen him or would I get there to find that things were different now?

All of those questions mingled together in my mind as I tried to settle my nerves. At some point they started bumping into each other and colliding, having their own little argument in my brain. No matter how I tried, it was futile. I couldn't turn off my thoughts. Questions overpowered me and I allowed them to, clutching the armrest of my seat and leaning back. Above all of the others, one nagging question came to the front of my mind. Would Colby and I have sex?

At some point during my somewhat intentional celibacy I stopped caring about the lack of anything physical happening in my life. In the beginning it bothered me, but not enough to do anything about it. The person who I wanted to have in my bed wasn't able to be there, so why bother? Starting over again with a new lover seemed like a complete waste of time, something that I couldn't be bothered with. Too much time and effort went into things like that and I didn't have it in me. Sure, I could have had sex if I wanted to. There were opportunities. There's always opportunities. I never took them. Somewhere along the way, it stopped mattering. The worst part of it wasn't the lack of sex. It was those dreams. They were more disturbing than the voluntary abstinence. Then, I saw him again. I kissed him again. That caused the floodgates to open.

Many nights since then I'd dreamed of Colby. I wasted hours night after night replaying in my head my memories of the two of us and the history we shared. Now here we were on the verge of being together again. I couldn't help myself. I had to wonder if it was a possibility. Having sex with him once again wasn't the reason I agreed to come to see him, but it was a thought. Letting out a hard sigh as I slumped down in my seat, I concluded that if it happened or not, I'd be alright either way. I wasn't sure if I would be able to go through with it anyway.

A few hours later I arrived at the airport in Iowa and got my rental car. That hour long car ride to Colby's home was torturous. Never had so many uneasy expectations and anxious thoughts buzzed through me. All because of him. My eyes remained glued to the road but my mind was anywhere else as I followed the directions the GPS gave me. Finally I arrived at his new home, checking and checking again as I glanced at the slip of paper in my hand that I'd scribbled his address on and matched it to the house number.

"Jon!" Colby met me with a warm greeting at his front door as I flashed him a timid smile. "How was the trip?" he asked me as he motioned for me enter.

"It was fine." I answered softly, bending down to remove my shoes.

"You find the place okay?" he continued questioning me, blathering on about some road construction nearby and how bad the traffic can be at times on the freeway I'd taken to get here.

"Yeah...it was fine." I said softly when he'd finished talking. "It was fine." I repeated as I stood up straight once again.

"It's good that you're here." he said as he moved in on my body and smiled. "I've been wanting to see you again." His arms closed around my waist and he pulled us together, his nose moving against my cheek as the distance between us vanished. "I missed you."

Recognizing how incredibly graceless I was in this moment with my hands still resting at my side, I grinned and wrapped my arms around Colby. I squeezed him to me, possibly just a little bit too hard. It didn't matter. "I missed you." He whispered to me, his breath warm against my ear. "C'mon. I'll show you around." he told me, removing his arms. He reached down and caught my hand in his as he led me through the entryway and into the rest of the house.

"You home is beautiful." I told him as he showed me through his house. We ended the tour with Lucy's bedroom where she was taking her afternoon nap. Stepping into her room was like coming into every little girl's dream. Shades of lavender and pink encompassing every hue of the spectrum of each color adorned the room, I walked over to her crib and slowly peered over the railing, catching a glimpse of Colby's little girl sleeping soundly. Her tiny arms were wrapped around a little stuffed puppy that rested beside her and she looked so peaceful, all wrapped up in her soft pink blanket. A warm feeling spread through me up until the moment when I turned around, facing the opposite wall. There it was, the only thing that in this moment could have sent a chill through me. Arianna.

Hanging on the wall was a huge framed photograph of her, positioned so that it faced Lucy's bed. "Shit." I cursed under my breath. Bringing my hand up to my head and combing my hair back with my fingers, I stared at the photo on the wall. She was beautiful in the photo, the most happy smile on her face. Glancing down from her facial expression, my eyes moved to the rest of her body. She was pregnant in the shot. Her stomach was round and full, her small manicured hands resting on top of it.

"She's always here." Colby said to me, breaking me from staring at his dead wife's photograph. "She's watching her daughter even though she's not able to be here physically." he explained as he pointed to where his wife was hanging on the wall.

"Yeah." I mumbled softly. "That's very sweet of you, Colby." Trying to sound as normal as possible in this uncomfortable moment, I attempted to relate. "She deserves to see her mother."

"You know what scares me, Jon?" Colby asked me, coming to stand beside me.

"What?"

"My little girl growing up and not understanding why her mother isn't here with us." he told me, a thoughtful look on his face. "I've tried to figure out how to approach the subject that will inevitably come up one day. Hopefully by the time it does I'll have solved the problem and I'll know what to say."

"You have some time." I told him, placing my hand on top of the hand he was resting on the railing of her crib. "By that time it'll be easier."

"Yeah." he smiled, looking up at me. "I hope so."

* * *

That evening just as I was wondering what we were going to do for the night, Colby's phone rang. "Yeah...half hour...okay...see you then..." I heard him saying to the mystery person on the other end of the phone.

My question of "Who's that?" to him went unanswered except for a small smile that he shot my way before exiting the room. Next thing I knew he was rushing past the living room and towards the front door, hurrying to answer a knock at the door.

"Mom? You remember Jon?" Colby said as he walked into the living room with his mother. While we were together, I'd only met his mother on a few occasions, maybe a handful at best. I'd always felt a little uncomfortable so I'd keep quiet when we did happen to meet. Staring at her before me now, I could see that Colby wasn't exaggerating when he told me of how sick she was.

"Yes. I remember Jon." she told me, offering me her hand. Taking her hand quickly turned into her wrapping her arm around my body and straining to reach up to my cheek to plant a kiss there. I awkwardly lowered myself just enough so that she could reach. "You look the same." she commented as she squeezed my chin in her hand.

Wishing that I could say the same for her, I took in the sight of the woman that stood before me. Colby's mother looked sick and frail. That's what suffering from cancer does to you. It kills you slowly. You can try to slow it down but in most cases it's just delaying the inevitable. I remembered what Colby had told me just a little more than a month ago when we talked about her health. _"Mom's not doing good. Doctors say the chemo isn't going well. They told us that it's best to just make her as comfortable as possible until she dies..."_

"Where's my little girl?" Colby nodded towards Lucy's bedroom as his mother asked about her granddaughter.  
"She's sleeping. She should be up soon, though. You know what to do." he told her, smiling down at his mom as he wrapped his arm around her. "Jon, mom's nice enough to volunteer to babysit so that we can get out of the house for a little bit." Colby said, making eye contact with me.

I glanced between the two of them and made some absentminded comment about how nice that was of her or some shit. Then I nodded in Colby's direction, asking him "Can I talk to you for a minute?..." as I motioned down the hallway.

Once we were out of ear-shot, I questioned Colby about whether or not this was a good idea given his mom's current state. "Are you sure that your mother is alright to take care of your baby right now? She looks so sick, Colby. We don't have to go anywhere. We could just stay here. I just don't think it's right...she looks weak and tired." I said, letting out a deep breath that I'd held in for too long.  
"She's okay, Jon. She asked me if she could babysit tonight. My mom loves to spend time with Lucy. We have no idea how much of it she has left. If she tells me she wants to spend time with my little girl, I'm not denying her." Colby told me in a harsh whisper. "And anyway...when do you think was the last time I got out of the house without my daughter?"

"I dunno." I said softly, not having thought of it from Colby's point of view.

"We're going to get out and have dinner together. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I think they'll be alright until then."

As we sat together during dinner I couldn't keep myself from thinking about Colby and the relationship he had with his mother. The two of them had always been close, I'd known that since our friendship first started. Now here he was, on the verge of losing her. It was a great relief to me when he brought up the subject so that I didn't have to. "Like I told you, my mom's really sick. I think the last time she went to the doctor they told her six more months was all the more they expected her to be able to survive. I can't imagine what that's like, can you? Being told you only have a certain amount of time left to live?"

"I couldn't possibly..." I mumbled as I fiddled with the edge of the cloth napkin that sat beneath my hand.

"That's why I hurried this move home...I knew I needed to spend as much time here with her as I could before she passes on." he told me, the pain clearly evident as I studied his face. "You know...I can't waste any more time."

"I don't think you've ever wasted time." I told him, trying to lift his spirits.

"When I first found out she had cancer I was horrified. That's a horrible thing to hear, really. After a few months I decided there was no point dwelling on it. My mom will be alive for as long as this illness allows. I want to spend as much time close to her as I can until that moment comes." he said, gazing at me from across the table.

"That's very brave of you." I smiled. "I know she must appreciate it, you wanting to be near her. A lesser person would avoid the situation, deny what's happening. Not you, though."

"What's the point, really?" he asked me, a peaceful glow now coming from his dark brown eyes. "You accept the hand you're dealt. This is mine. I'm learning how to deal with it a little more day by day." he smiled.

Back at Colby's house after dinner we said goodbye to his mom and thanked her for giving us the opportunity to spend some time together. As the night dragged on we both started showing signs of sluggishness. We'd both been up since early on in the day, Colby waking up with his daughter as I woke up to get ready for my flight. At around nine o'clock Colby got Lucy ready for bed and warmed up one last bottle for the night. "Can I?" I asked him as he walked in the living room, a familiar feeling present between the three of us as he grinned at me.

"Sure." he told me as he handed his daughter off to me. Lucy stared up at my face and I somehow earned a half smile from her.

"I read somewhere that babies at three months of age love to study faces." Colby quipped as he sat on the couch beside me. "The article said that the face of another person fascinates them."

"I doubt that my tired old mug holds any fascination." I frowned. He had a point, though. I noticed that as I held her bottle and watched her drink, she was studying my face. When I smiled for her she moved her little hand up, attaching it o my wrist.

"She can almost hold that bottle on her own." he informed me. "She can do so many things now, it's freaky. She's almost strong enough to hold her head up. She grabs things with her hands. She smiles at me and laughs."

"You are pretty hilarious." I grinned, earning a small shot to the arm from Colby. "HEY! I'm feeding the baby..." I laughed.

The two of us made small talk together as I rocked Lucy to sleep. Colby was sweet enough to let me feed her and rock her, but when it came time to put her in her crib for the night, he insisted that he take her. Understanding, I let go of the warm little girl in my arms and watched as he went up the staircase towards her bedroom.

"She sleeps most of the night. At least six hours and sometimes more. Hopefully she won't wake you in the middle of the night." he told me as he joined me once again. "I hate to say it, but I think I'm about ready for bed as well." Colby told me, a tired look on his face.

"Me too." I told him. Then something hit me that we hadn't discussed since I'd arrived. Where was I going to sleep?

We went up the stairs together and Colby showed me the small spare room where I could sleep if I wanted. IF I wanted? Wait. What?

"You could sleep in my bed with me...I mean, if you wanted to..." he told me softly as he watched me brush my teeth at his bathroom sink. Nearly choking on my mouthful of toothpaste, I held back long enough to finish my nightly routine and then turned to answer him. He cut me off before I could even begin. "Look...Jon...I won't try anything. I promise. This won't be like the last time, I swear. Not that I wouldn't like to...I wouldn't mind...No, it's just that...I don't think that either one of us is...we don't..." Colby rambled on and on as he nervously switched back and forth between playing with the end of his ponytail and the band of his pajama bottoms.

"COLBY!" I said his name, raising my voice just slightly. "Stop. You don't have to go on. You don't have to say anything else." I assured him, feeling relieved that he'd finally stopped talking. "Come on." I told him. "It's bedtime."

We walked down the hall to his bedroom and I watched him as he turned down the covers and set his alarm clock. As he sat down on the end of his bed he asked me "So you don't want to join me, then?"

Grinning at him, I walked over to where he sat. I planted myself down beside him at the foot of the bed and gave him a simplistic two word answer to his question. "Not yet." He nodded at me and gave me a short smile.

"That's probably the best." he said softly. "Jon? Can I ask you something? You don't have to answer but you can if you want."

"Shoot."

"Have you?...you know...had sex yet?" His question came out in short sequences with long, thoughtful pauses between each set of two or three words.

Letting out a short laugh, I closed my eyes and answered him. "No. I haven't." Standing up in front of him now, I took his face in my hands and looked down into his bright eyes. "Let's not talk about it anymore. We can do that tomorrow." I promised him, a small smile forming on his face as he put his hands on my forearms. Leaning down just a bit I joined my lips with his, kissing him just once before I softly told him goodnight.

* * *

The next day was spent catching up. We used the morning to sit in his breakfast nook and drink coffee while talking, Lucy nearby in her swing as we shared time together. The afternoon went by quickly. We looked through pictures of Lucy from the past few months and some from before she was born as well. There were photos of Arianna while she was pregnant and a few from their wedding that Colby allowed me to see. The entire experience was surprisingly less painful than I'd thought it would be. As I looked through photos from parts of Colby's life that I hadn't been around for, I watched out of the corner of my eye as Lucy rested on the floor. She laid on her stomach, stretching out her little arm as she tried to reach for one of her toys and kicking her legs.

As I stared down at a photo of Colby holding is daughter, Colby got down on the floor with her and began played with her. "You know, Jon...she's still got those blue eyes. They never changed. Remember what I told you last time?" he asked me, looking over in my direction. His stare made me a bit uncomfortable, but I tried my best not to show it.

"What?" I asked.

"Yeah, I know why her eyes are blue. She's got those eyes just like her mother. But like I told you the last time...sometimes I look at her and I see the shine in those eyes of hers...I see that blue-green glint in them and I can't help it... I think of you. I'm reminded of you."

"You know what? I think it's just wishful thinking. You're seeing what you want to see. Maybe it's too painful for you right now to look at your little girl and admit she's got the same eyes as her dead mother, so you relate instead to me and the memory you have of me. I don't think it's because what you're seeing is really there, Colby. No offense or anything...just..." I sighed, Colby breaking our eye contact as he looked down at his daughter instead of me. "Why would your little girl have eyes anything like mine? That's crazy. You just see what you want to see, that's all." Knowing that I'd probably said the wrong thing, said too much...I stopped then. We were quiet for several minutes until he responded.

"It might be crazy. I'm just telling you what I think is there. You should be flattered..." he grinned. I couldn't read whether he was annoyed or amused or pissed at me, so I brushed it off. At least he wasn't yelling at me. That was a good sign. "Sometimes I look at her and I find it hard, it's difficult for me because she's there, Jon. Arianna's there. Nothing can stop it. But then there's days where I've done nothing but think about you and I look in my little girl's eyes and I see the same blue that I used to see when I looked at you..." he told me, glancing back and forth between me and his daughter. "You can make what you want out of it, I don't care. I just wanted to tell you that I think about you..."

I began putting away the photos I'd been sorting through and closed up the albums when Colby asked me to watch Lucy while he let his dogs out. I nodded, getting down on the floor with her. She was busy chewing on one of her toys, her tiny hands holding it firmly in her grasp. The feeling that came over me when I smiled at her and she returned the smile shook me. Moving my hand over towards her, I touched her soft mess of wispy black hair. She made small, incoherent noises as she squirmed around on her blanket. When she'd had enough of playing on the floor she began to protest, letting out little urgent cries to let me know she was done with what she was currently doing. I picked her up and held her to my chest with her head resting on my shoulder. I felt her look at me, her small head turning so that she stared at my face. Her hand clutched the collar of my shirt as she looked at me. After a little while, she rested her forehead against my cheek and pulled on my collar, making some happy sounds as she heard Colby's voice once again. "Hey, thanks Jon." he told me as he returned to the room. His four little dogs pranced around Lucy and I, jumping and making excited barking sounds.

At dinnertime Colby and I stood in his spacious kitchen and prepared dinner together as his daughter watched us from her highchair. As I stood by the sink and cut the vegetables he'd given me I watched Lucy. Her expression seemed to be one of confusion as she took turns between staring at Colby and I. It felt to me like she was trying to make sense out of the both of us being in the kitchen when usually it would only be her father. I could relate. I was trying to figure it out just like she was.

I observed with quiet delight as he interacted with her. He made sure that she consumed all of the bottle he'd made for her and even fed her a few spoonfuls of baby food. "They say to wait until four or five months...but I think she's ready now. She's a little more advanced than other babies, at least in my eyes. Probably just "dad talk" but she's a smart little girl." he explained to me as he fed her a spoon of some sort of orange baby food from a glass jar. Watching him as he tended to her brought a smile to my face. I knew that I'd never be a father, never have children of my own. At least for now I had the privilege of watching Colby and Lucy. This was as close as I was going to get.

After Colby convinced me to help him give her a bath we put Lucy to bed for the night, leaving the two of us all alone together. We ended up in the living room, sitting on the couch together and talking about what we should do for the rest of the night. Colby searched for a movie to watch while I stared at him. The last two days had made me feel extremely close to him, something I hadn't felt in a long time. We'd been far apart for so long and now that we were beginning to reconnect now, it felt amazing. Everything about it felt so fresh to me, so new. Nothing could ever erase the things that had occurred in the past and we both knew it. This time around felt different, though. As I began to ponder whether or not this time could be different for us, Colby interrupted my thoughts.

"Jon...we can talk about things...right?" he wondered as he stared at me. "I mean...stuff that happened before. You know there must be things we've never discussed that we really wanted to. You don't leave a relationship without lingering questions." he told me as he sat back down on the couch. "You can say no...it would be fine if you did..."

"No, I don't want to say no. We can talk about things." I told him, stretching out on the couch and turning to face him. "What did you have in mind?" I asked him as I unfolded my legs and stretched them out as well, resting my feet on Colby's lap.

Without pausing to think about it or taking even a moment to mull it over, he asked me a question that had obviously been present in his mind for some time. "Why did you push me away back then? What was it that made you shut me out and close yourself off? There was some point during our relationship that felt like you'd just flipped a switch, like you'd stopped caring whether or not we made any progress or survived."

"First of all...I never stopped caring about our survival. I'm sorry if it seemed that way. You know it killed me to lose you and I regret it every single day." I told him, not knowing how else to start the conversation. "To answer the rest of your question...that's not so easy. I can tell you the simplest reasons why I did what I did but to try to answer you in the broader sense,,,that's not so easy. Why did I push you away? Sometimes I didn't even realize I was doing it, to be honest. Some of the time I did it on purpose. I loved you but as time went on I didn't realize what you loving me and us opening up the relationship together meant. I wasn't really aware what I'd signed up for, I guess. Never did I think that we'd get as far as we did. Never. Speaking honestly and from the heart...I was always afraid. Afraid that you'd leave or give up. I know that when we parted that I told you I thought you'd last a little longer with me, but that was a lie. It felt like walking on eggshells for me. It was a constant state of fear that you'd end it and come to see me for what I really was."

"What did you think that was, what you 'really were'?" he asked me, folding his arms over his chest.

"ME. The person who I was then and had been for years. Ugly. Mean. Fucked up. Damaged. All of those things, I knew that you saw them in me already. But you had no idea who I was. How much you knew about me during our relationship was only a fraction of what existed, Colby. So when you started asking me questions that I wasn't prepared to answer I took a step back. It was a big step, wasn't it? There's so many things we never talked about and some of them that I've never told anyone." I sighed, glancing over at him.

"Even now...you wouldn't?" he asked me, unfolding his arms. He rested his open hands on my legs, staring at me and waiting for an answer.

"I wouldn't say that." I said softly.

"Lay it on me." he told me, moving over so that he was closer to me now.

"I don't know if I should." I told him. "It's heavy. That's why I've kept it in. I never wanted anyone else to know, to have to bear the weight of it like I've had to." I sighed.

"Jon...stop being the victim for once in your life and just tell me your story, one of them at least. You're my friend. We've known each other for years. We've been closer at some points in our journey together than I'll ever be to any other person, the same goes for you. Just tell me. I told you years ago that there's no story you could ever tell me that would chase me away. I don't care. You can tell me anything. I know it's bad, I understand. Just tell me." he begged me, pressing his palm to my cheek.

"Fine." I said to him, taking his hand in mine. "Remember I told you a couple of times about my cousin Christine that lived with me for a few years?" I asked him, a vision of her flashing in my mind quickly followed by a mental picture of Lucy for some reason.

"Yeah. You took care of her until your mom went behind your back and told social services to take her. That's when you left home." he recalled, amazing me with how much he remembered of what I'd chosen to let him know about the story.

"Well...that's not the entire story. I only let you in on mere fragments of what happened. This isn't a good story...just warning you." I told him.

"Are any of them good stories?" he joked, looking into my eyes. "That's kind of a given, Jon. Just keep talking. I'll listen."

"_I changed my color for you. _

_I shed my coat with caution. _

_I lack the beauty you display._

_See here they are the bruises._

_And some were self-inflicted,_

_and some showed up along the way._

_So I nod my head I'm ready for the world to see,_

_the secret I kept here inside,_

_the man you thought I'd be._

_Slip into coma calm, the coma where I calm myself down._

_Here comes excuses why I let you down._

_Stand by for another breakdown._

_Sound off the alarm._

_Is this the chameleon boy I swore I wouldn't become?_

_Chameleon boy._

_And so we've come upon the hardest thing I've ever done._

_It's telling you that I'm a mess._

_What sort of mess? I mean a self destructive gasoline._

_The kind that strips you of your best._

_And while I play instead the way that most would end up dead,_

_you sleep alone at home and wish that I were in our bed._

_With this I'm telling you my color changes back to blue._

_How can I ask you this? Will you help me through?_

_Stand by for another breakdown. _

_Sound off the alarm. _

_Is this the chameleon boy I swore I wouldn't become?_

_Chameleon boy._

"_I try to think of all the people I looked up to._

_Growing up who would I be? _

_Now the twisted part. Where did all my idols end up? _

_They've all passed away."_

_Cincinnati, Ohio 2001_

"_Shit!" I hissed as the signal flashed in and out once again on the crappy little television I had rigged up out on the balcony. All I wanted to do was watch wrestling on television for a little while so that I could escape from reality until it was time to hit the streets for my now nightly ritual of selling crack to the street dwellers of my city. The light snow and increasingly cold wind was screwing that up for me, fucking with the signal I had been able to get by moving around the rabbit ears and crinkling the tin foil just the right way. Then the freezing north wind whipped around and sent any picture I'd been able to find away. I was left out in the cold, cursing as my plans to watch wrestling were dashed. "Fuck it." I said as I picked up the old black and white TV I'd scavenged from the garbage and headed back inside. _

_I headed down the hallway, trying not to even make eye contact with my mother or the men who were sitting in our living room with her. When I got to the door of my bedroom I knocked four times in our pattern, whispering when I heard her steps stop at the door "It's Jon. It's safe to open up."_

_There were many things in my life I did that were considered things I shouldn't have had to do. I did them out of necessity. Stealing. Lying. Selling drugs. Skipping school. Keeping my bedroom heavily locked. I did all of those things for one reason. For her. For Christine._

_I listened on the other side of the door to the familiar sounds of the deadbolts turning and chains being moved. This was our nightly ritual. Christine opened up the door just enough to allow me to slide inside before slamming it shut once again. I watched her as she quickly replaced every one of the near dozen locks I'd installed for her safety. To some it might have sounded like a paranoid, possessive thing to do, locking my cousin in my bedroom. I did it because I was scared for her safety. It got even worse once I started leaving at night to sell drugs. My level of paranoia and fear raised to an all time high when I left home at night. I was in a constant state of panic when I wasn't there to protect her. _

_After coming home at around four am early on in my drug selling career, I found my mother cavorting with the creepiest man in the neighborhood. Larry was a grade A creep. He did every drug you could imagine, many of the intravenous kinds being his favorites. He was notorious for committing small crimes, using drugs, being a deadbeat dad, frequenting hookers, and molesting both young boys and girls...all for the hell of it. Stories from many underage girls my age and younger had circled around at my school about Larry. Over time even the boys in my class told stories of how they'd been terrorized by Larry, either being threatened or propositioned by him. He was bad business. Why he wasn't in prison yet was beyond me. I loathed the man's very existence, so it's simple to understand how enraged I was to find him in my home. Immediately I thought of my nine year old cousin, sleeping in my bedroom just down the hall from Larry. It didn't sit well with me._

_Knowing that my mother was beyond useless, I made a trip to the hardware store the next day after school and shoplifted as many locks as I could carefully conceal in my oversized sweatshirt, smuggling them home and dumping them on my bed in front of Christine as she watched me with a confused look on her pretty little face. _

"_What's all this, Jon?" she asked me, tossing her book aside and standing beside me at the door as I installed the first lock. _

"_You saw that man mom had here last night? You know who he is?" I asked her as my hands worked feverishly at putting the lock in. I knew I had to finish this before leaving for the night._

"_Yeah. I saw him." she answered sheepishly. _

_I shot her a serious look, now knowing how to read her response."Did he look at you? Did he try to touch you?" I asked her impatiently. _

"_He looked at me but he didn't touch me. He smiled at me. His teeth are gross. They look rotten..." she told me, wandering back over to the bed and going back to her book.  
"The rest of him is rotten, too." I said to her as I turned the first deadbolt. "Listen to me, Christine. I'm putting these locks in because of him. He's a bad person. He's not to be trusted, you hear me? Never talk to that man. Don't even look at him and don't give him the chance to look at you. If he's around you come in here and you lock this door, you hear me?" I asked her, raising my voice a little more than I realized. _

"_I hear you." she told me, peering over her book. "Why is he bad?"_

"_He just is, Chris. Some people are horrible. He's one of them." I told her, tearing open the packaging of the second lock. "This is to keep him out. This is to keep you safe. I don't want anyone to hurt you."_

"_You think that everybody is going to hurt me. Everyone but you..."_

"_Someone did hurt you once. I don't plan on letting it happen again. Not while I'm around. You'll be safe just as long as I'm here, you know that right?" I asked, turning around to face her._

"_Yeah." she said softly. "I know."_

"_You'll always be safe just as long as you do what I tell you."_

_Six months had passed since I'd put those locks on my door and she'd remained safe. Having them there gave me at least some sort of peace of mind while I was out. I had to leave home at night to roam the street and sell drugs, I didn't know any other way. In my neighborhood if a fifteen year old boy wanted to make money fast, he sold. I needed desperately to make enough to get Christine and I out of here and find a better life for us. If I had to sell drugs on the street corner to do so, at least knowing that Christine was safely locked up in my bedroom while I did made me feel a bit better._

_The act of selling itself, the knowledge that I was feeding people's addictions and I was part of the problem...that wasn't the worst part. The worst was when Christine asked me where I went at night. Most nights I slipped out after she went to sleep. Sometimes I couldn't wait that long. She asked me on a few occasions where I was going. It killed me to lie to her, but I did. I told her I had a job but I wouldn't tell her where when she questioned me. Part of me knew that she wasn't that stupid. She knew where I was, even though I'd never admit it to her._

* * *

_As winter was in full swing and 2002 started, both my selling career and my paranoia were at a fever pitch. I spent almost every night out on the street, peddling my goodies. I was pretty good at it and had a rather substantial cushion built up. It wasn't nearly enough for my cousin and I to make it out on our own in the world just yet, but it was a start. Most nights it hurt to go out, not just because I knew I was doing something wrong, but because Larry was at my house when I left at night. _

_My mom started spending more and more time with the man, seeing that he almost always had drugs or liquor to offer. Of course my mother liked the company of the biggest creep in town. Why wouldn't she. He was there when I left one Thursday night to sell. Before leaving I made sure that Christine was in my bed and that she was done with her homework. Before leaving I gave her one more warning, similar to the warnings I'd given her so many times before. "I gotta leave and go to work, Chris. When I go out of that door I want you to lock every single one of those locks, got it? All of them. Larry is out there and I don't trust him. I want you to be safe."_

"_Do you have to leave?" she asked me, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I don't like you going out every night, Jon." I sighed, hating the fact that I had to leave her. What I was doing and where I was going was the last thing my eleven year old cousin should be worried about. _

"_I know, I know." I sighed. Hearing her talk that way to me pained me inside. If only she could understand how much I loved her and that I was doing this for her. "You'll see me in the morning. You always do. I'll walk you to school." I promised her._

"_You're going to work?" she asked me, resting her head against my arm. _

_I wrapped my arm around her small frame and pulled her close to me, hugging her. "Yeah. I gotta to work. I'm going to make enough money to find us a way out of here. I have to work really hard to get enough. You don't worry about that, though. All you need to think about is school. Nothing else, okay? You're the smart one. I'm hopeless when it comes to school...you do the learning and you can be the brains. I'll be the brawn and the financial part of our partnership." I giggled. I earned a small laugh from the fragile little blonde girl that rested beside me. Christine looked up at me as I hugged her goodbye for the night and told her that I loved her. As I ran down the street I made the mistake of looking up at my apartment building, catching a glimpse of my bedroom window. She was peeking through the curtains, watching me as I departed. It was one more painful blow to me that I didn't need._

* * *

_Standing out on one of my regular corners a chill made a clear path up my back and across my neck. I shivered and leaned against the telephone pole beside me as I searched my pocket for my tattered old gloves. Coming up empty, I groaned and shoved my hands down into my pockets, waiting for my next "customer" to arrive. Unfortunately the next person I encountered wasn't someone looking to buy drugs. It was Christine. _

"_Jon?" I heard her little voice from the end of the street and jerked around, appalled by her presence._

"_What the hell are you doing out here?" I yelled at her as I ran down the street. "What is this?"_

"_I should ask you the same thing. This isn't a job, Jon." she told me, her big eyes focused on the ground. _

"_This IS my job. This is no place for you, Chris. GO HOME! What did you do, follow me?" I screamed at her, grabbing her by the shoulder and making her look up at me. _

"_Yeah, I followed you. I wanted to know where you went at night..." she mumbled, crossing her arms in front of her. "I knew you were lying to me."_

"_I didn't lie to you on purpose, Christine. Dammit...just go home." I pleaded with her as she stared up at me, tears forming in her eyes. _

"_You sell drugs out here, don't you?" she asked me. I closed my eyes and shook my head, sighing. "You're no different than all the rest of them..."_

"_No. Don't say that, don't ever say that. I don't do it...dammit...I don't sell drugs because I want to. Don't you understand? I do it to make fast money so you and I can have a better life somewhere far away from here." I explained to her, knowing full well that no matter what kind of spin I put on the situation that she wouldn't buy it. _

"_You sell drugs out here. You give these people drugs. People like mom. People like Larry. Like my dad..." she cried, hollering at me as she pointed her slim finger towards me. _

"_Stop, Chris. Don't say that. I take care of you. I'm nothing like them..."_

"_Yes you are. Why do you do this, then? You could get a real job. An honest job..." My heart shattered as I watched her cry and yell at me. I deserved what she told me. It wasn't the truth, but I deserved it. She spoke to me like finding out what I'd been doing at night made her hate me and it killed me to hear her talk that way. _

"_Please, Christine. I'm sorry. You were never supposed to find out about this. You can hate me if it makes you feel better but I need to do this, I do it for us. You're too young to understand." Feeling tears of my own starting to fall down I took her face in my hands as I knelt down in front of her on the snowy sidewalk. "I love you. You're the only person in the world who I care about. I have to take care of you and keep you safe. If this is what I have to do to make a future for us then so be it. You don't have to worry about it. I never wanted you to see this, I never wanted to hurt you. You shouldn't be out here, Chris. Fuck, it's not safe."_

"_You lied to me." she whispered, pushing my hand from her face. "You shouldn't lie to me." Her big blue eyes were clouded with anger and confusion as she stared straight through me. _

"_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." I mumbled as I grabbed her and held her close to me. I got lost for a few moments as I hugged her, forgetting that we were two kids out on the street. Quickly I snapped back to reality, remembering that I was in a dangerous part of town where unsavory characters liked to hang out and that my young cousin was out here in mid-January wearing only her pajamas and winter coat. _

"_Listen to me." I told her in my most somber tone, clutching her skinny arms. "Go home. RUN. Don't stop. Don't look at anything but the sidewalk in front of you and RUN. Don't stop until you're home. Go upstairs and get inside as fast as you can. LOCK THE DOOR. Go home and be safe. Don't let anyone see you. Don't stop for mom. Don't stop for Larry. Just run and lock yourself in my room, okay?" I instructed her, barely taking a breath as I ordered her to make her way back home to the only safe place I knew of. _

"_Christine...answer me." I said as she stared blankly at me. "I'll be home soon, I promise. Go. RUN!" I told her once again, pushing her away from me. She gave me one last disappointed glance before turning around and running down the street. _

_I spent the next couple of hours worried sick about Christine. Knowing that I would get an ass beating when my boss found out I'd left my post early, I took off running in the direction of our apartment. This was driving me insane. I had to make sure that she'd made it home safely and was on the other side of the locked door. What I found when I got home was worse than anything I ever could have imagined. _

_I walked in the front door and immediately my ears started ringing. Entering our "home" I found the usual sight of my mother passed out on the couch, a small puddle of vomit just beside her head and a strap still tied around her arm from the drugs she'd been injecting earlier. As I stood there and stared down at my mother zonked out on the couch, a drugged out mess, I heard Christine. It started out as small whimpers and suddenly got louder. I heard her crying and trying to yell, but being muffled. Then I heard his voice. "Come out, you little bitch!" Everything turned into a blur as I rushed down the hallway to find the most horrible sight...my bedroom door ajar._

_Busting into the room I found Larry half dressed and banging on the door to my bedroom closet. His shirt was off and his pants unbuttoned, his scraggly beard matted against his face and his long, unkempt strands of hair sticking to his back. "Get the fuck out of here, Larry. You useless son of a bitch!" I yelled at him, shoving him across the room as I moved towards the closet. _

"_JON!" I heard Christine's hoarse voice as she yelled at me from the other side of the door. _

"_Who the fuck do you think you are, kid? I'm just trying to have some fun here. Your mama fell asleep on me and I just thought maybe the little girl would play with me instead." he slurred out, nearly falling over as he stared at me. _

"_Fuck you. Get your sorry ass out of here!" I yelled at him, rage filling my body. "Leave her alone. She's just a kid. You better leave now." I warned him, clenching my fists at my sides as I narrowed the gap between us. _

"_You think you can take me, kid? You think you're pretty tough because you watch wrestling on television? HUH? You mama is right. You ain't nothin' but a cocky little prick. You'll never amount to anything. You think you can kick my ass? I'd like to see you try. I'm twice your age and twice your size. You're just a skinny, scraggly little teenager. I've killed men your size. You ain't shit." he repeated as he taunted me and began to circle around me. He hadn't told me anything that I hadn't heard from my mother nearly every day for the last fifteen years. _

"_I don't want to fight you. I just want you to leave us alone. Get out. Leave her alone and we'll be alright." I told him, trying to keep a good distance between the closet door and him. "I don't want trouble. I just want to keep her safe. Leave her alone."_

"_Fine. I can't have her? Then maybe I'll just rough you up a little bit and see if I like to play with you..." he said, a horribly sinister sneer forming across his dirty old face. Before I had time to prepare or react he lunged at my legs and I was down on the floor. A flurry of punches was exchanged between us as we both tried to gain the upper hand. I got a few good shots in here and there, but I had to admit that Larry was right. He was much bigger than me. I was a skinny, wiry kid. What little muscle I had wasn't built up enough to possess much strength, certainly not enough to fight off the man on top of me. After going back and forth Larry gained the advantage by taking my head and hitting it against the floor, a bright light flashing in front of me as I stared up at his menacing face. A dull pain throbbed through the back of my head as he turned me over, pressing his weight down on top of me. _

"_Jon?" I looked up in horror to see Christine's face peeking out of the closet door, tears streaming down her red face. Thankfully she was still fully dressed, a good sign that Larry hadn't been able to get very far with her before I came home. _

"_NO! GET BACK IN THERE! CLOSE THE DOOR!" I screamed at her as I clawed at the hardwood floor in a failed attempt to get closer to her. It was no use. Larry had me pinned down to the floor with his knees digging into my sides as he pressed my face down. My cheek scraped across the floor as I heard him laugh. _

"_She's not safe. You're not safe. When I'm done with you I'll find my way to get to her. I promise you that." he laughed, pulling my hair and causing a sting to form behind my eyes. I coughed and sputtered as he clamped down on the back of my neck, quickly turning around and pressing his knee there as he began moving my pants down my body. _

"_No! Fuck no, you dirty old motherfucker!" I screamed at him, my words muffled by the fact that my face was in full contact with the floor and my breathing was constricted. "Get off..." I gasped as he pushed my pants further down. The only response my protests earned was even more maniacal laughter from Larry as he pulled my hair once again and shoved the point of his elbow down between my shoulder blades. _

"_Shut the fuck up, boy. You ain't going nowhere. This will all go so much easier for both of us if you just be quiet. If I can't have your little girl first, then I'll just have to take you, won't I?" he asked me as he touched my ass. _

"_FUCK YOU!" I screamed again, trying my best to squirm out from underneath him. My attempts to kick out from under his grasp failed, I moved to trying to get my arms free from underneath my body. As much as I struggled, it was no use. He had me pinned down and was about to do horrible, unspeakable things to me. Just like he'd done countless other times to the young kids of the neighborhood. _

"_This'll be our little secret, Jon..." he hissed against my earlobe as he hunkered down and talked close to my face. "...I've always enjoyed taking from the little boys more than from the little girls..." he laughed as he pressed down even harder with his kneecap on the back of my neck. _

"_YOU DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled as best I could, spit forming at the left side of my mouth as my face started to go numb from the pressure he was putting on me. I listened to the sounds of his belt buckle as it jingled and I felt his body shifting, I assumed as he pulled his own pants down further. _

_That was when the chain of events was set in motion that would change everyone's lives forever. His back turned and his concentration solely on raping me, Larry didn't realize that Christine had quietly slipped out of the closet. I watched her as she pressed her finger across her lips, silently asking me to keep quiet. She shimmied underneath my bed and came out on the other side of it, retrieving the heavy baseball bat that I kept underneath my pile of pillows at the head of my bed. While Larry was talking trash about sticking his dick inside of my ass, I watched in repugnance as she crept up behind Larry. Her face twisted into an ugly expression of hatred as she moved the bat behind her head, winding up as though she was about to hit a game winning home run. Within seconds, things came back into regular speed as I watched her swing the bat and make contact with the back of his head, a sickeningly loud sound resonating through the whole apartment as she hit him. _

_Larry slumped over to my side and I was relieved to finally be able to take in a full breath again. Gasping for air, I watched in horror as Christine stood over him and hit him three more times with the baseball bat, each time hitting it against his head with more force than I'd imagined she could muster. _

"_STOP! CHRISTINE!" I yelled at her as she pulled the bat up over her head for a fifth strike. "You gotta stop. That's enough. He's not getting up."I grabbed her by the waist and pulled the bat from her hands, tossing it aside with a loud thud. _

_Christine turned to face me, tears staining her bright red face. She sobbed into her hands as she fell down to her knees on the floor. I did my best to regain my bearings and fast, pulling my clothing back up my body and taking deep breaths. Quickly I pulled her to me, her small body collapsing in a heap of dead weight on my lap. I kept her close to me as she sobbed harder, her breathing becoming erratic as she moaned out in pain. "Don't cry. It's alright now. He's not going to get back up. He can't hurt you now." I told her, my voice hoarse and raspy. _

"_I killed him." she stammered out, looking up at me. _

"_No, you didn't baby. You didn't kill him. He's just knocked out. He's not dead. I promise." I wasn't sure if that was true or not, but I sure as hell wasn't going to tell my eleven year old cousin that she'd just killed a man, even if she had. _

"_It's my fault..." she cried, clutching my t-shirt with both hands. _

"_No. Never say that again, you understand me. Never. It's not your fault that man is horrible. Don't say that..." I told her, new tears falling down my sore face as I pressed my chin to the top of her blonde head. _

"_It's true. I did this. I asked for this. All I had to do was what you told me. I didn't and look what happened." she yelled at me, clutching the material of my t-shirt even more. _

"_What are you saying, Christine?" I asked her. _

"_If I hadn't followed you then I would have been in here, safe. The door woulda been locked and he wouldn't have come in. I didn't listen to you and now look..." she mumbled, straining for the words to come out as she cried. _

"_No, this isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Christine, you aren't to blame. It's my fault. I'm the one to blame. If I'd been here keeping you safe instead of out on the street selling to the crackheads, then this wouldn't have happened..." I told her, the hatred I felt for myself growing with every word. No matter how hard I tried, things never went as I planned. Despite my best efforts to keep her safe and sound, I always found a way to fuck things up...just like my mother always told me. It was in this moment I realized something. As Christine sat in my lap and cried her little eyes out, I stared at Larry's hunched over form and the baseball bat that rested next to him. It hit me then, the horrible events replaying in my head. Christine was just like me. She was a damaged little girl, a deeply disturbed kid, just like me. She smacked that man across the head repeatedly with that baseball bat like it was nothing, the whole time with a look on her face that reminded me of only one person. Myself._

"_Did he touch you?" I asked her only when I sensed she'd calmed down a little. _

"_No." she said softly._

"_Don't lie. You can tell me if he did." I told her, moving her head so that she was face to face with me. "Tell me the truth. Did he touch you?"_

"_No. He almost did...he followed me in here and he cornered me...he tried to kiss me and he told me to take off my clothes. I couldn't run, he grabbed me. He tried to get me on the bed but I kicked him and he let go...I ran in the closet and I stayed there until you got home. Somehow I held the doorknob so that he couldn't turn it...he almost busted in a few times but I bit his hand and slammed the door on his fingers..." she told me, explaining to me what he'd done. _

"_It's okay...we're okay now..." I told her, lying to the both of us. _

"_No, it's not..." she said softly as she looked over at Larry's lifeless body on the bedroom floor. _

"_We better get him outta her before mom comes to." I sighed, pulling Christine up. "Help me drag him outside." I told her as I lifted up his arms. _

"_Jon? That's crazy. We can't just take him outside..." she protested, her hands on her hips. _

"_You got a better idea? He's nothing but a bum, Chris. If someone finds him knocked out in the alley nobody is going to think anything of it. He probably won't remember any of this tomorrow." I assured her, picking Larry up at the shoulders and holding him underneath the armpits. "Get his feet."_

_Christine helped me drag Larry's stiff body all the way down the stairs and out into the alleyway behind our apartment building. We deposited him right where he belonged...beside the dumpster. We returned upstairs, breathless and beaten. Mom was still out cold on the couch, snoring loudly as we made our way to the bedroom. I made sure to fasten every lock on the door as Christine crawled into my bed and pulled the blankets over her head, eventually crying herself to sleep. I stayed awake all night with the baseball bat firmly in my grip, staring at the door._

* * *

_Two days passed and it seemed as though the whole debacle was going to blow over without incident in both of our young minds. That was, until Saturday night. Christine was in bed reading one of her textbooks as I sat on the floor scribbling a doodle of a wrestling ring in my notebook when we heard the loud slams and the arguing begin. Both of us recognized the harsh voice that joined mom's as Larry's. "Jon..." Christine whispered to me, frightened as she realized that he was back. _

_I climbed into the bed with her, one arm wrapped around her shoulder and the other on the end of the baseball bat. I could only hear small excerpts of their heated argument, but I understood enough to know that he was describing what had happened the other night to her. Christine shivered in fear beside me in the bed despite my best attempts to calm her down. I couldn't say I blamed her for her reaction, it wasn't that different from my own. I wanted to be shaking as well but I knew I couldn't let Christine see me that way. I stayed strong, hoping my strength would help comfort her. When the argument ended, I heard one line loud and clear. A line uttered by my mom. "I'll take care of it." The words sent a chill through my body. _

_A little bit later she came to our door, pounding away and yelling our names as she did. "Be quiet." I whispered to Christine as she pulled the blankets over her head. After a few minutes of yelling obscenities at us and banging on the door to no response, she gave up. "Fucking asshole kids." I heard her say. Christine clutched my hand in hers, tugging on it as she shivered beneath the covers. "It's alright." I told her as I lifted up the blankets. "Everything's okay."_

* * *

_Monday when we arrived home from school I learned quickly that telling her everything was alright had been a blatant lie. There were four people in suits and two police officers waiting at our apartment building when we walked in. As soon as I set eyes on them I knew what she'd done. Nothing in the world would ever be as painful as watching my mother lie to those people so that they'd take Christine away from me. She told the social services representatives that I'd beaten up her boyfriend Larry in order to rob him for drug money and that I'd done it in front of Christine. She concocted a grand tale of how she'd tried to stop me but couldn't, how she'd begged me to stop so that little Christine wouldn't have to see such a thing. She told them that I was acting out, that I was jealous of the fact that she had a new boyfriend in her life and how she thought I felt left out because of him. _

_I listened in amazement as they bought it even though Christine sobbed and told them that it was all lies. Who were they going to believe? The woman who they were under the impression had been taking care of us both this whole time or an eleven year old girl? She had the wool pulled over their eyes and now I couldn't figure out a way to convince them otherwise. My mother flashed me a wicked smile as they collected Christine's things...things that over the years I'd managed to steal or earn for her. As she sobbed and stared at me, my heart broke and I started to cry as well. No matter what I said to them about how it was all untrue, they prepared to take her anyway. They didn't want to listen to what I had to say. The didn't care about my side of the story. All they saw when they looked at me was a supposedly angry, violent young man. If only they knew I'd been the one supporting her and keeping her safe all this time..._

_The point when I really lost it was when they put her coat and hat on. I yelled obscenities and threw things, trying to make my way to her. I cried and screamed to them that I loved her and I'd been the one taking care of her all these years, but they didn't listen. The bigger police officer grabbed me by the arms and warned me to keep quiet as they hurried Christine out the door. "JON!" she yelled my name over and over again as they pulled her away, her arm reaching out and hooking onto the frame of the front door. _

"_Christine...no..." I sobbed as the man in the suit picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder, taking her away from me forever. The police officers lingered around until my mother told them it was safe to leave, roughly an hour and a half after they took my girl away. Concocting this scheme to have my cousin taken away was the first mistake she'd made today. Allowing the police to leave was the second. _

_As soon as the door closed behind them I rushed to my bedroom, shoving anything and everything of mine I could into my backpack. My mother taunted me from outside the door, only fueling the fire. "You knew this would come sooner or later, Jon. You really thought I was going to put up with her smug little ass for very long? And what right do you have to get into a fight with Larry? He told me you smacked him on the head with a baseball bat and left him outside? How do you come up with these things, Jon?"_

"_I didn't hit Larry with the bat. Christine did. He was going to rape her when I came home and then he got me down on the floor and tried to rape me, too. I wish she'd bashed his brains in and that he'd died. We'd all be better off." I yelled at her as I tossed more of my clothes into my bag. _

"_Bullshit, Jon. I don't believe that for a minute." she yelled. "What's this garbage you tried to tell those social workers? YOU were the one taking care of her? Of all the nerve, boy..."_

"_FUCK YOU! You never did anything for that girl. I made sure she went to school. I stole her school clothes. I made sure she had food to eat. I kept her safe. I loved her and you fucking took her away from me! HOW THE HELL COULD YOU, MOM?" I yelled at her, waving my arms wildly and sobbing. _

"_You didn't take care of her or keep her safe. Where is she now, huh? Off to a foster home. You're a worthless piece of shit, Jon. You'll never be anybody or amount to anything in this life. You're ugly just like me and your future is bleak. Welcome to it." she yelled at me, motioning around our apartment. "You couldn't take care of her. Christine was never safe with you. That was all in your head. You can't even take care of yourself. Nobody will ever love you or accept you, so don't flatter yourself. You'll never have kids or be able to take care of them if you do. You're destined to end up just like your daddy...a fucking shitty ass man." she hollered at me, inching her way closer and closer to me as she hurled countless insults at me. _

_As she verbally assaulted me all I could think of or see was Christine's little face, that pained expression across it as they pulled her out of my life for good. She was gone. They'd taken her from me and now I was all alone in this world. Christine was out of this house and soon I would be too._

_The last thing I searched for as I gathered up my belongings was the gym bag where I hid my stash of money. Ripping away at the lining, I was horrified to find that it was gone. All of my drug money was gone."What the fuck did you do with it, mom? Where is it? I worked for that money..." I yelled at her, grinding my teeth and hardening my face as I stared at the woman before me. _

"_You don't need money. What the fuck is a sixteen year old boy going to do with all that cash?" she demanded, staring at me with a cocky look on her face. "I took it. You'll never see it again."_

"_I FUCKING HATE YOU, MOM!" I screamed at her. "I need that money so I can get as far away from you as possible. I'm leaving." _

_Shoving my mother out of my way, I left my bedroom and made my way down the hallway. I pulled on my coat and slipped my shoes on, preparing myself for what was about to happen. "Give me my money, mom." I told her, balling my fists. _

"_Kiss my ass, boy." she replied, pulling a cigarette from her pack and shoving it between her lips. _

"_Mom...where is it? I need it. I earned it. You better give it to me and fast." I warned her, setting my bags down. _

"_Make me. You think you're so fucking tough, huh? You think all of a sudden because you like wrasslin' and you see it on television you can grow a set of balls? You're nothing now and you never will be anything. You've got these fucking dumb dreams of becoming like one of those guys on TV that you worship so much? You don't have it in you. You're weak, you're stupid, and you're ugly. You don't have what it takes..." she taunted me until I could no longer take it. If only she hadn't said 'make me'. _

_What I did next wasn't something I'd ever be especially proud of, but put yourself in my shoes for just a minute. I'd heard the same or worse from my mom every single day of my life. I'd come to my breaking point. She'd worn me down to nothing, culminating with the act of taking Christine from me. I'm not saying what I did to her was right, but it was where she'd brought me. She deserved it. _

_My anger boiled over as I quickly approached my mother, shoving her head against the kitchen table as she screamed. I growled as I punched her and watched her fall down the kitchen floor. "WHERE IS IT, MOM?" I asked her, flashing my teeth as I squinted down at her and balled my fists once again._

"_FUCK YOU, JON. You're just like your father." she told me. I kicked her and she doubled over in pain, letting out a short painful cry. I made my way to her bedroom and took everything apart, finding only a small portion of the wadded up bills I was sure had come from my drug money stash. All I could collect was a few hundred dollars, but now that it was just me I figured it would be enough to last me a little while. Crying now, I shoved the crumpled up bills into the interior pockets of my leather jacket and made my way back out of her room. _

"_You're fucking pathetic...beating up your own mother. You're a bastard just like your daddy was. You aren't going to make it on your own if you leave, I promise you that. You'll never be anything..." she hurled one last string of insults at me as she watched me gather up my bags and arrange them over my shoulder. "I hate you. You're a worthless kid."_

"_I hope you rot here by yourself, mom. I hope you die here of a drug overdose. You had no right to have her taken away from me. NO RIGHT! I LOVED HER AND NOW SHE'S GONE! You're wrong. I took care of her. I kept her safe. And I would have for years to come if you hadn't fucked it all up!" I screamed at her as I walked through the door. _

"_Fuck you, Jon." she told me one last time as I slammed the door shut. _


	6. I Think I Might Have Inhaled You

Thank you to all of my readers. And to those of you who always review and/or message me you deserve an even BIGGER THANK YOU! Literally. So, I don't know about all the rest of you, but I fangirl on tumblr. I'll admit it. I don't care. I'm not ashamed. On there one of the users named darkangel4479 posted an excellent Ambrollins video set to the song "Bloodstream" by Stateless, as suggested to her by lchimelightgoddess. That song fits them so well. Look it up. You won't regret it. I want to include it in this chapter but I can't take full credit for the idea. It was those two who brought the song to my attention. Credit goes to them for the song being included. Told from Jon's POV. We pick up where we left off just to tie things up and then we jump ahead a few months. I've got two titles for this chapter. "I Think I Might Have Inhaled You" and "Two Switchblades And A Baby" I think I like the second one better. Enjoy.

* * *

The last day of the visit to Iowa...

Opening myself up to people had never been easy for me, mostly due to the fact that I'd not allowed myself the experience of doing so for most of my life. There were times when I had shared with friends and lovers I collected along the way some of the moments from my life that had occurred before they'd come along, but never did any of my stories go into any great detail. I'd perfected the art of only letting them know what I wanted them to know, only telling snippets of a story. Just enough to open up to them a small side of me, that was all I offered up and that was as far as I was willing to take it. Until I met Colby.

During our relationship I'd shared with him more stories than I'd ever shared before. Some of them were rather cathartic to share. Others made me squirm. But no matter how far we went in our relationship, I never felt the right level of comfort between us to share with him the story of how I came home one night and almost got raped by the neighborhood creep. Sometimes that gruesome detail of that night slipped my mind, mostly because it was overshadowed by the fact that it was the events of that night that led to my cousin coldly being taken away from me by my mother. Maybe it just so happened to be the thing that slipped my mind because I'd rather not remember it, but it happened. If it hadn't been for Christine he would have taken advantage of me right then and there. I never did thank the girl for saving my ass that night, in the most literal of ways. If it hadn't been for her...well, you know...Even now I still think about her from time to time and think that it was better me than her that had to go through almost being violated by that man. He got much closer with me than he had with her.

Colby always asked me about details of my young life. I guess that the stories I'd shared with him caused him to have a great interest in knowing the rest of my story. While I was okay with telling him most things, the story of my last few days with Christine was always one I avoided. I shared with him the fact that my mother had grown tired of her and caused her to be taken out of our home, but I never explained to him the events that brought us all to that place. At some point it became an issue, the fact that I let him know there was something that occurred in the past that I wasn't willing to share with him. This just caused another wall to come up, another invisible emotional barrier to be constructed between us. After several moths of "living" that way, we couldn't thrive any longer. I'll never say my refusal to open myself up to him more was the sole reason why our relationship ended the way it did, but it was a major factor. That's undeniable.

I don't know if I'll ever understand what caused me to tell Colby the story of Christine and how she was taken away from me as we sat there that night in his brand new home in Iowa. It just hit me and began spilling from my mouth before I realized it. Before I knew what was happening he was watching me with small tears flowing down his cheeks as I told him in great detail the events of my teenage life that I'd kept locked away for so long. He asked few questions and never left my side as I described to him how it felt to watch those social workers carry her away from me and out of my life. When I was finished he reached over to me and used his thumb to clear away the tears on my face, the tears I hadn't even been aware of until that moment. Without any other words between us, Colby stood up and offered his hand to me. He took me by the hand upstairs to his bedroom where we shared his bed that night. We kissed each other a few times and engaged in some innocent touching but there was nothing about it that was abundantly sexual. It was more an act of comfort, an intimacy that wasn't about leading to the act of sex but just a closeness that we shared together.

Sunday arrived much more quickly than I'd anticipated and before I knew it it was time to say goodbye to Colby and his daughter. After the last few days spent here with him, it was hard for me to let go. Reluctantly I stood at the front door of his house with him as we said our goodbyes. "You'll call me once you get home?" he asked me. Picking up on the tone of sadness in his voice as he glanced over at me out of the corner of his eye, I smirked.

Grabbing his hand in mine, I set my bag back down on the floor and pulled him to me. I held him close and squeezed his hand in mine, bringing a smile to his face as well. "These days I spent here with you...they were great. I mean really great. Do you understand how nervous I was to come here?" I asked him, resting my free hand on the back of his neck. "I feel you and I getting closer again but I don't want to have anything go wrong. This can't turn out like last time. I won't let it. You're precious to me and so is that little girl. So I just want to make sure this isn't something I'm alone in."

"What are you saying?" he asked me, his eyes locked on mine.

"I'm saying that I want to know if we're going to keep on doing this?" I told him, my fingers shifting so that they laced between his. Leaning forward my lips met with his and I felt an immense heat spread across my skin as his body arched towards mine at the contact. "This...are we doing this?" I asked him once again. "I need to know that you're willing."

"It may not be easy to do. We're far apart. I'm someone's dad now. But if this is what you want too, then we could try." he answered me, his face close to mine as his words came out. "This won't be simple. I mean, the distance between us is the first of many little things that we'll have against us..."

"That distance can be gone. We'll just have to work on things, that's all."

"Which distance are you talking about here, Jon?" he laughed. "The metaphorical or the actual?"

"Both."

* * *

June 2016

Another four months passed between Colby and I before I actually saw him again. Although we spoke to each other consistently on the telephone and saw each other through webcam sessions, it was hard for us both to feel as though we were close. The distance between us was great and I frequently became frustrated with the fact that hit was hard for us to see each other more than we did.

When July arrived I received a phone call from Colby that carried expected news with a decidedly unexpected twist. "My mom died this morning, Jon." Colby told me with a low sadness in his voice. "I have to ask a favor of you."

"Sure, Colby." I immediately answered him, a small pang of hurt passing through me at the news of his mother's death.

"My daughter...I need someone to take her. She's too young for all of this, Jon. She's not even seven months old yet and I don't want her to be here for this. Lucy is too small for a funeral. I don't want her to have to see her grandmother in a casket and I'd hate for her to cry during the service. Plus there's so many members of the family that will be around and I just know it'll be overwhelming not only for her but for me." he told me in a nervous, broken pattern of words that softly sputtered out of his mouth.

"You want me to babysit your daughter..." I asked him softly.

"Yeah, Jon. Do you think that you could?" he asked me, pausing for a moment. "Mom's visitation is on Friday and the funeral is on Saturday. I'd have to drop her off on Thursday and I'd be back on Sunday." he told me. "Shit, Jon...I don't know if I should even be asking you to do this for me. It's just that I don't really have anyone else, you know...all of the family that could babysit is going to be here with us at the services. Maybe it's not right of me to ask this of you right now...and thinking about it now you probably have a show or two to do this weekend..." he rambled on from the other end of the line, a little smile crossing my lips.

"Colby. Stop." I instructed him. "I understand you well enough to get where you're coming from. You want to spare your young daughter the experience of confronting death yet again before her first birthday. I get it. I don't have anything going on this weekend and I wouldn't mind watching your little girl." I told him calmly.

"Thank you, Jon. You're sure about this?" he asked me softly.

"Yeah. It's no problem."

"I didn't take her to Arianna's funeral." he told me in a soft whisper.

"What?" I asked him, lowering my voice as well without understanding why.

"I left her with Joe. I didn't take her. I couldn't...I didn't want her to see her mother there, dead...even though she was just an infant I didn't want her to have to see that...She wouldn't have understood or remembered but I just couldn't do it..." he explained to me. "I never told you that. I don't know why I'm telling you now." he mumbled.

"Hey, I understand." I assured him.

"Sometimes I feel like a bad father for that." he continued, his voice breaking.

"Colby, we can talk about this when you come here if you want. Right now why don't you just focus on your family and taking care of your mom's final arrangements?" I urged him. This was a conversation that we couldn't have over the phone and we both knew it.

"Yeah. You're right. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know what time we'll be in on Thursday."

"Okay. Listen...I'm sorry about your mom. I know you were close to her and she meant the world to you. She's not suffering now, just remember that." I told him.

"Yeah. I will. Thanks again, Jon..."

* * *

Thursday...

"I know jack shit about babies, Jon." Sami informed me as we waited for Colby to arrive that morning.

"You don't need to know anything about babies, dummy. I don't expect you to. I'll take care of everything. You don't need to be a genius to take care of a little kid, Sami. You just have to be patient, attentive, and caring. As long as you don't scare the holy hell out of her with that mug of yours we'll be just fine..." I joked as I made a face in his direction, earning a double bird for my efforts. "You better put those fingers away once she gets here. Don't you go teaching her that." I frowned.

"I'll help out if you need me to, man. I ain't got nothing else to do all weekend." he told me as he sprawled out on the couch. "Uncle Sami's ready to meet this little girl."

"Hah! Uncle Sami..." I scoffed under my breath as I walked away from him.

Colby arrived about an hour later in a whirlwind of chaos. Lucy was fussy and crying as he set her down on the floor next to Sami's feet. "Watch her for just a sec, okay Sami?" he asked as he tried to explain to me how her portable crib was assembled and frantically went over a list of instructions with me. I gazed down in horror at the three pages of hand-written orders he'd made out for me in anticipation of his departure. It was nothing short of remarkable, this list he'd made. Every detail of her day was written down on the paper, down to every subtle thing I should do throughout the course of the three days I'd be watching her. "Is this really necessary?" I asked him, interrupting a speech he was in the middle of giving about what to feed her and how much.

"Yes. Yes it is. She's just a baby, Jon. She thrives on a schedule." he told me as he frowned.

"Sorry." I told him sheepishly. "It just seems like a lot..."

"It is. I think you can handle it, though. She's just starting to make sounds that are close to words. She can say "no". I've been trying to coach her into saying "daddy" but no luck so far." he sighed. "Anything else before I go?" he asked me as I looked over at him.

"Nope."

"I'll call at night before bedtime so I can say goodnight." he told me as we walked to the front door together. "She's probably very sleepy because she fought her nap on the ride here. I hope she'll fall asleep easily tonight."

"Sure." I said to him, clutching the three sheets of paper in my hand as I reached for the doorknob.

"Hey..." he said softly as his hand closed over mine. "Now that we're alone I want to say thank you." he told me as he moved closer.

"You don't have to thank me again. You've said it enough times now." I answered. Before I could even meet his eyes his lips covered mine and we kissed. Colby pulled my hips against his and parted his lips, his breath hot and soft against my mouth. The pages he'd scribbled on fell from my grip and floated down to the floor as I grabbed his body and felt myself melt against him.

"I wasn't talking about a verbal thank you." he told me in a husky whisper. "I've been dreaming about kissing you again since the day I saw you last..." he confessed. "I had to do it."

"I missed you." I told him as I gripped the back of his neck with my hand. "I'm sorry that we always seem to come together under these morbid kinds of circumstances." I frowned.

"It has to get worse before it gets better." he told me. Colby leaned close to me and planted another warm, open mouthed kiss on me before leaving.

* * *

"Man. Colby's one of those nervous dads, huh?" Sami asked me as he scratched his head and tried to make sense out of the words on paper that Colby had given me. "He wrote what to do down to every minute of the day that she's awake..."

"He just wants to be sure his little girl is taken care of, that's all." I replied. "What's on the list for right now?"

"Five thirty? Feeding time." He told me as he read off the sheet of paper.

"Bring in that highchair then." I instructed him as I held Lucy in my arms. The three of us moved to the kitchen where Sami attempted to feed her some sort of orange baby food in a jar with a tiny plastic spoon. She was having none of it.

"AAAAHAHHAAHAH" she screamed in Sami's direction as he got the little spoon close to her face.

"C'mon, Lucy. Let me feed you." Sami pleaded with the little raven haired girl in the highchair but she ignored his pleas and continued screaming. "Geez...she doesn't want to eat, dude."

"Yes she does. She just doesn't like looking at you." I joked, letting out a small laugh. "Move it. Lemme try." Grabbing the little jar from his hand, I crouched down in front of her and offered up a spoonful of whatever the orange goop was and she grinned at me, slowly opening up her mouth and taking a taste. "See. She loves me. It's just you..."

"That's bullshit, man. Let me try again." Sami ordered, shoving me so hard that I almost fell down to the linoleum floor as he pulled the baby food away from me and tried to feed Lucy once again.

"GHHAAHHAHAHAHHA" she screamed once again, this time pounding her fists against the tray of her highchair.

"Obviously she doesn't care for you the way she does me." I told him in a sing-song voice, returning to feeding her as Sami sulked beside me. "You like me, don't you baby?" I asked her in my cutest voice. Lucy laughed at me and it made me smile so hard that Sami shot me a strange look. Hearing me talk in baby-talk and little cutesy voices must have been strange to him.

"What about me, huh?" Sami asked her as he leaned in close to her face. "You like Uncle Sami?"

"NO." she said to him, plain as day. Sami and I looked at each other with our jaws dropped, shocked at her little word.

"Did she just say 'no'?" Sami asked me, half full of laughter and half offended.

"I think so, dude." I giggled. "Colby said she could."

"Yeah, but that was so...unexpected." he said softly.

"It was, wasn't it?" I laughed, rubbing my forehead.

"PFFFFTTTT" Lucy made a loud noise with her mouth, causing baby food to fly out and hit both Sami and I directly in the face, to her amusement. She laughed at us as Sami made a horribly disgusted face and I giggled as I wiped away the pureed mess that covered my face.

"That was gross. I'm never having children." Sami yelled as he washed his face in the sink.

"Uncle Sami once pooped his pants while in the wrestling ring with me but he thinks a little baby food mush to the face is gross?" I told Lucy, smiling as I continued to feed her.

"SHUT IT!" Sami ordered.

* * *

Just as Colby had told us, little Lucy was very tired. At around seven thirty she was nearly asleep but just wouldn't doze off completely. I rocked her in my arms while sitting in my old recliner in the corner of our living room. After crying a little bit and fighting sleep for about half an hour she finally fell asleep. I'd never been so relieved. My nerves were nearly shot after ten minutes of it. I let out a huge sigh as I gently set her down in the playpen Colby had sent along with her so she could sleep for the night. I didn't envy Colby for having to do this on a regular basis, and on his own.

Sami and I retired to the patio for the evening where we drank beer and discussed the current events of our lives. "This is the first time I've seen you for more than a whole day since I don't know when, man. You've been busy or preoccupied or something." I told Sami as I moved my fingertips along the neck of the glass beer bottle. "What gives?" I asked him, bringing up the question of why I'd been seeing so much less of my friend lately.

"I've gotta talk to you about that. Something's come up and if it all works out the way I think it's going to then there's going to be some big changes, man." Sami looked over at me with an overly serious look on his face, setting down his empty bottle as he sat up in his chair and straightened his posture.

Not sure of what he could be referring to, I started silently speculating about it as I watched him. The conclusion I came to was that it had something to do with his girlfriend. Over the last few months I'd noticed them becoming much more serious and in my head, I assumed that he'd be moving in with her or asking her to marry him. This must have been the news. "What's the news? Lay it on me..." I answered him finally, waving my hand in front of him and urging him to continue.

"You remember that when you first moved back here I was _this_ close to being signed?" he asked me, making a small gap between his thumb and first finger to show me just how close he'd been. It was a small gap. That was a lie. He wasn't just _close_ to being signed. He _was_ signed. He backed out when he found out I'd quit and that I wanted to move back home. He did it for me, though he would never admit that fact. If asked about it, he'd just make up an excuse about how it wasn't the right time for him or how he didn't like the terms of his contract. I knew the truth. He did it not only because I was back, but because at the time of his signing, his father was dying of cancer.

When I thought about Sami not taking his chance to go to the WWE partially because I was back home, it hurt. We'd discussed it multiple times since and we walked away from those conversations feeling as though things were settled, but I sometimes felt a secret guilt about it. There was no helping it. If I hadn't come back home, he would've moved to Tampa and started in developmental. That was a fact.

"Yeah. I remember. I remember how you backed out partially because of me."

"Kay, don't start that conversation, Jon. Let's not go there. We've been through it and we're done. That was then. I want to talk about _now._" he told me, crossing his arms over his chest. "I got another offer. They want to sign me. I said yes."

"Holy shit! Sami! You mean it?" I asked him, excited. "You said yes?" Just as the happiness of my friend getting his break in the WWE hit me so did the pain of knowing that this would be it for us. We'd no longer be a tag team. No more Switchblade Conspiracy. Sure, over the last couple of months we'd started working more singles matches but we were still a team even when we weren't in a match together.

"Yeah. I leave in six weeks." he told me, looking down at his lap. "For Tampa..."

"Wow." That was the only word I could say. My friend, my brother, my family. He was leaving me. It was a good feeling that washed over me though, knowing that he'd be leaving me for the best of reasons.

"Is Sara going with you?" I asked him, wondering about whether or not his girlfriend would be accompanying him on this journey.

"I haven't asked her yet. She doesn't know about this, I've only told you so far..." he mumbled as he cracked open another beer.

"You should. I don't think she'd say no." I told him, quickly finishing off my own beer and motioning for him to hand me another.

"Yeah. I know she'll say yes. That's the scariest part in all of this. Not the new part of my career beginning. Not the move to Tampa. It's the prospect of her and I finally living together that scares me the most."

I frowned at my friend. "You practically live together now, dumbshit." I laughed. "You spend almost every night with her between our place and hers. What's the difference?"

"I dunno." he replied, taking a long drink out of his beer. "I just hope she puts up with all my bullshit as well as you do..."

"Ah. An unenviable task that is, putting up with your horseshit on a daily basis. I hope she has nerves of steel..." I said coyly, dodging the bottle cap that came flying towards my face from Sami's hand.

"Like I told you in the kitchen, man...I'm not having kids. We've already agreed. I don't think I could handle all that. I have no idea how my pops ever dealt with me while he was alive..." he joked.

"That little girl in there is as close to a child as I guess I'll ever come." I said softly, peeling away at the corner of the label on my beer bottle.

"She's really cute. And I can tell that Colby is a good daddy. You don't do so bad yourself." he told me, nudging my forearm with his knee.

"Yeah? I try. I might not be daddy material but maybe one day she'll call me Uncle Jon."

"See. Uncle Sami and Uncle Jon. Sounds like some sort of nightmarish Switchblade bedtime book for children..." he laughed. I laughed along with my friend as I stared at him. I would miss him when he left me, but this was his chance. I could only hope he'd take better care of his opportunity than I had when it was presented to me. Somewhere deep down, I knew he would.

* * *

On day two of babysitting duty Sami brought up the bright idea of heading down to the beach for the day. "Are you crazy? She's just a baby!" I told him, holding my hands at my hips. Lucy watched us with great interest as she sat up on the living room floor, surrounded by toys. "She'll get a sunburn or eat some sand or who knows what..." I told him as I motioned towards her.

"GGGEHHHHHEEE!" she trilled out as I looked down at her.

"See. She agrees with me." I smiled.

"Fine. Let's take her to the park." he answered, sitting down on the floor next to her.

"No. She's too small for all that. She can't even walk yet, Sami. What is she going to do at the park?"

"Oh, lord. Okay, Jon. What can we do?" he asked me, casually playing with Lucy and her toys. "I just thought we could get out of the house..."

"I suppose we could just take her out in the backyard." I said, looking out the window. "It's kinda hot out, but we could take her outside, I guess..."

"Let's do it." he answered immediately, grabbing up Lucy and rising to his feet.

"Wait...we gotta put some sunblock on her first and clean up the yard and she probably needs a diaper change..." I told him quickly, moving around the living room in a frantic state.

"Whoa...you're more of an overprotective daddy type than Colby..."

"Well, we can't just throw the baby out the backdoor and let her roam free in the grass, dummy. She's gotta be prepared." I told him angrily.

"Here." he said, placing Lucy in my arms. "I'm going to the yard and I'm gonna make sure there's no dog shit in the grass. YOU let ME know when you're ready to come out..."

Getting a little girl ready for an outdoor adventure was more work than it seemed, I soon found out. Slathering her in sunscreen was a truly difficult task as she hated to sit still for more than fifteen seconds at a time and she wasn't very appreciative of me trying to smear smelly white lotion all over her delicate skin. After getting three quarters of her exposed skin done, she decided that what I was doing was the most hilarious thing to ever happen to her and she started to laugh uncontrollably, wiggling and shrieking out loud as I tried to get sunscreen on her neck and shoulders. "You think this is pretty funny, huh?" I asked her. Lucy stopped laughing momentarily as she looked up at me and smiled.

"GAH!" she exclaimed, grabbing at my thumb and twisting it in a way that it wasn't supposed to go. Even though it hurt I couldn't fault her. She looked positively adorable with her big blue eyes shining as she gazed into me. As she smiled and went back to her giggling I swear I saw a flash of Colby's face in hers.

I finished by carefully rubbing some of the sunscreen on her little face, gently tracing around her soft features with the lotion. Her little eyes crossed as she tried to watch my hand move across her nose and I let out a laugh. "BOOP!" I said softly as I tapped my finger across the top of her nose.  
"HEEEE!" she laughed the most adorable, loud laugh as I did. My smile spread and so did hers.

"Sami? All clear?" I asked as I stuck my head out the patio door, holding Lucy in one arm and a blanket in the other.

"Yeah, man. Come on out." he answered as his dog barked in the background. I looked around slowly, realizing that Sami had actually done a decent job of picking up the yard, freeing it of any sticks or debris that Lucy could possibly have gotten her hands on. I handed her off to Sami as I spread out a big blanket at the side of the yard in a nice shady patch of the lawn.

"There. We just gotta make sure she stays on the blanket." I told him as he set her down. Sami's big, dumb bulldog came running over immediately to inspect her, drool hanging off his face as he approached her. "No. NO NO NO BUSTER!" I told him as I pulled him away by his collar.

"Come on, Jon. Colby has dogs. It's not like she's never seen one before." Sami told me in a disapproving tone.

"I'm sorry, Sami...your damn dog is not exactly the cleanest or the most sophisticated creature on the planet." I replied. "And look at her, she's afraid of him." I added, noticing the worried look on Lucy's face.

"She's only scared because you're yelling, ding dong." Sami laughed as he leaned over and sat down on his knees beside Lucy. "Look, Lucy. Doggy. Doggy..." he told her as he pulled her arm towards Buster. "Doggy..." he repeated as her little hand made contact with Buster's face. Instantly his tongue was out and it landed right on her arm, causing her to let out a sound halfway between a scream and a laugh.

"Christ..." I hissed out under my breath. "That's so filthy..." I mumbled as I retrieved a baby wipe from her diaper bag to wipe her arm with.

"Sheez, Jon. Don't be so uptight. I'm watching him. He won't hurt her." Sami told me, creating a good amount of space between the slobbery, imbecilic dog and Lucy. "Doggy..." Sami slowly repeated as she stared at the canine once again. "Doggy..."

"DEH!" Lucy yelled as she looked over at Sami. "DEHHHH!"

"Almost, kiddo. Almost." he laughed. The buzzing of my phone in my pocket jarred me. I'd forgotten I'd even put it there as I watched my friend and the little girl interact.

"I'll be right back. Make sure she stays on that blanket." I said as I waved my finger at Sami.

I glanced down at the screen as I walked towards the house. Colby. "Hello?"

"Hey! I managed to break away from the family for a little bit and I thought I'd call to see how everything was going?" he told me, his voice sounding chipper yet sad.

"It's going fine. We just brought your little girl outside to play for a little while. Sami's sitting outside with her and he's trying to introduce her to his dog. She even said "Deh"." I informed him. "Yesterday she said "NO"."

"For real? I wish I could have seen the look on your face when she did. Oh, shit. That must have been hilarious. I remember the first time she told me "No". I don't think I moved or could talk for about an hour after, I was so shocked." he laughed.

"So how is everything going there?" I asked him, looking out the window at the scene outside just to make sure everything was kosher.

"It's going. I'll be glad when this whole thing is over. I can't keep faking interest in talking with family I haven't seen in years and I miss my little girl." he sighed.

"Yeah. I know you must. I'm taking good care of her, I promise." I told him.

"I know. I'm confident in your abilities. I wouldn't have asked you if I wasn't, Jon." he said to me softly. "As much as I miss my daughter I gotta tell you... I miss you too. I've been thinking about that kiss."

"Me too." I confessed, my heart leaping with the thought that I hadn't been the only one who was obsessing about the kiss we'd shared yesterday.

"So...anyway...I'll call back later on so I can say goodnight to my little girl."

"Yeah. I'll be waiting." I told him as we ended our exchange.

I returned to the backyard to find Sami with his back turned, playing with the dog. Meanwhile Lucy had moved to the edge of the blanket and was grabbing up two fistfuls of the lawn. "AWW! Dammit, Sami! Why do I ever bother telling you what to _not_ do. I know the opposite is going to happen." I yelled at him as I picked up Lucy and brushed the grass and dirt from her little palms. "You had one job. Just one..."

"Damn, Jon. She's fine. It's just a little dirt. It won't kill her. I'm sure that we ate and touched worse things when we were little and we turned out just fine..." I gave Sami a skeptical look as he glanced up at me.

"Sure we did."

* * *

Just like clockwork that night at around seven thirty my phone rang. Colby was calling just like he'd promised to tell his little daughter goodnight. I held the phone to her ear so that she could listen to his voice as it came through. I smiled as I listened to him talk to her. He was so sweet with his little girl. It made me sorry that I couldn't spend more time with the both of them. She listened and appeared to be concentrating hard as she heard his voice in her ear. When he was finished I sat down in the old recliner with her once again and gently moved her back and forth in my arms, trying to lull her to sleep. "You liked listening to dad on the phone, huh?" I asked her as she blinked slowly. She stared at me blankly, her light blue eyes growing heavy. "I like your dad. I wish I could see him more often. You too." I explained to her as I shifted her back and forth in my arms. "Maybe one day things will be different."

After she'd fallen asleep Sami and I settled in on the couch and watched television together, making small talk now and then. Suddenly the conversation took a very strange turn when Sami brought up Colby. "You going to have sex with him or what?" he asked me out of nowhere.

I nearly spit out the water I was drinking. He did that on purpose, asked me that question when he knew I had a mouthful of water. I shook my head at him as I tried to steady myself. "Why are you asking me that?" I wondered.

"Just wanted to know what you're planning on doing, that's all." he said to me. "You talk to him quite often. I know you feel like you're close to him again. He obviously trusts you a lot to allow you to care for his child. I just thought..."

"I don't know. I don't know what this is or if it will be anything." I answered honestly. "I can't say. It's not for me to decide. It's for Colby to decide. What the hell makes you wonder about me having sex with the man? You don't want to know anything about that..." I told him.

"I just don't know what you're waiting for. I honestly thought you'd come home from that trip you took a few months ago and tell me you'd had sex with him." Sami shrugged.

"It wasn't like that." I assured him. "That was different."

"Different how? What is it then?"

"I don't know." I said, shaking my head once again. "I don't know."

* * *

Saturday came quickly and we ventured out of the house long enough to go out for brunch. Lucy was surprisingly well behaved at the restaurant, only throwing one mild fit when Sami told her she couldn't play with his knife. "We're already rubbing off on her...she wants to be able to hang out with the Switchblades, Jon..." Sami joked as he took the long silver knife out of her hand.

"GAHHH!" she yelled at him. I quieted her by shoving her bottle back into her hand. She gave me a long look before putting it back into her mouth and falling silent.  
Afterward we walked around for a little while, Sami pushing her stroller while I walked beside him. Sami decided we should cut our little excursion short when an older woman we passed on the street mistakenly assumed that we were a gay couple out on a leisurely stroll with our daughter. During the whole encounter I could barely contain my laughter. Sami seemed genuinely mortified.

"Come on, Sam...she was HALF RIGHT..." I joked as he walked towards our house just a little bit faster than before.

That afternoon Sami insisted on leaving to go to his girlfriend's house for a few days. I think that he genuinely wanted to let me have the house to myself for when Colby returned tomorrow. He was more intent on me having sex with Colby again than I was. He told me that he'd be home on Monday and took off, leaving me all alone with Lucy. As I stood in the kitchen feeding her that evening I talked to her, knowing that there was nobody else to talk to and that she was just a child, after all. "I don't know what to do about your daddy. I love him, Lucy. I do. I've always loved him. It was a dangerous love, though." I sighed, explaining to the little girl about my former relationship with her father. "It started out as this obsession almost, this raw need to have him. I needed so badly to make him mine and when I finally did I hit a wall. I didn't know what to do with him when he started needing me too. I never accounted for that. Your daddy was great to me. I wasn't always so good to him. I lost him way back then. I don't want to lose him again."

"AAAEEEEE!" Lucy squealed at me as she waved her arms up in the air, apparently enjoying our little conversation.

"Yeah. That's how it felt sometimes." I laughed, loving her reaction.

That last night she was in my care I let her linger in my arms just a little bit longer after she'd drifted off to sleep. Colby's phone call already behind us for the night, I began to feel a little bit alone. Staring down at little Lucy cradled in my arms helped make me feel a little better, but those thoughts that ran rampant inside my head never really stopped, no matter how I tried. As I watched her sleep I once again began thinking of Christine and this time instead of just my little cousin my thought shifted to my mother. Her words from my childhood and teenage years echoed in my mind as I looked down at Lucy. Her voice was so clear as I remembered her hateful words, those words I'd heard so many times. _"You'll never be anything. Nobody will ever love you, Jon. If you do happen to have children one day, they'll be just like you. Worthless. You'll be the worst father, just like your own. It'll never work no matter how hard you try. You just ain't husband or daddy material, just like your daddy. He was a fucking worthless piece of shit and so are you..." _

"No..." I whispered out softly as I pushed away the thought of the woman my mother used to be. "She was wrong." I said softly as I brushed my fingertips across Lucy's forehead.

After putting her in bed for the night I took out my phone and called my mother. "Yeah?"

"Mom. It's me."

"Jon! What's going on, sweetie?" she asked me, her voice harsh as ever. She might have cleaned herself up but the lasting effects of her drug and alcohol use over the years were still evident. My mother and I had smoothed things over through the years. That's not to say we didn't have our occasional blowups about the past here and there, but for the most part our relationship had changed into a much more healthy one than the one we had before.

"You know, same old same old. Wrestling. Trying to keep Sami out of trouble. Trying to make sense out of things." I mumbled.

"Tell me what's really on your mind, Jon."

Sighing, I did just so. "I'm babysitting Colby's daughter for a few days. I was sitting here with her and my mind was wandering. I thought about all the nasty things you told me when I was growing up. How worthless I was...how I'd end up like my father..."

"You know that was a million years ago, Jon. I was a different person then. I barely remember you growing up, I don't have to tell you that. You already know. I was out of it ninety percent of the time. I was a bad mother. I'm the first to admit. I was wrong." she told me, the sound of her voice beginning to break making my hand shake a little bit as she continued. "So you were sitting with his baby and you thought of all the mean remarks I made when you were little, huh? What was the next thought? That you'd proved me wrong?" she laughed.

"Sorta." I laughed as well. "It hurts to think that you used to talk to me that way. I know I'm not my father. I've had several opportunities to take care of little Lucy this last year and I've done a great job, I think. She's such a beautiful little girl, mom. I sat there staring at her, knowing that she'd never have to worry about someone talking to her the way you used to talk to me when I was little. She's going to be protected, loved. That much I know."

* * *

Sunday afternoon Colby arrived at my house, exhausted. "It's been a really tiring weekend, Jon." His face was tired and the bags underneath his eyes gleamed a sick shade of yellowish blue as he stood in the sunlight that came through my kitchen window. He picked Lucy up out of her highchair and gave her a tight embrace as she played with the long black strands of his hair that rested at the back of his neck. "I wanted to ask you something." he told me as he sat down at the kitchen table with his daughter on his lap.

"Anything." I smiled.

"Would you mind if I stayed until tomorrow?" he asked me, glancing over towards me. "I'm beat. And I wouldn't mind seeing you for a little while before we leave for home."

"I'd love it if you stayed for a day."

A little bit later on, Colby and I both took a seat on the living room floor and watched as Lucy played with blocks. After about half an hour Colby climbed up on my couch to sit. I didn't think anything of it until I began asking him what kind of plans he wanted to make for dinner and I got no response from him. "Col..." I was shocked to turn around and find him fast asleep on my couch, resting on his back with his arms curled up underneath his head. "Holy shit." I whispered.

"Deh!" Lucy said to me.

"Yeah. Deh." I mumbled. "Daddy's sleeping." I smiled, knowing that the poor man must have been absolutely exhausted. This last weekend must have drained him, both physically and emotionally. I decided to let him sleep, not wanting to disrupt his rest. I fed Lucy dinner once again alone in my kitchen and she too drifted off to sleep a little early that night. I put her in bed before eight o'clock and before Colby woke up from his long nap. I was standing in the kitchen cutting vegetables for a salad and nursing a bottle of beer when I heard him walk in.

"I'm so sorry, Jon. Shit...what time is it?" he asked me as he walked in the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. "Where's Lucy?"

"She's sleeping." I told him, turning to face him. "I guess she was worn out too." I grinned.

"Fuck. I'm sorry, Jon." he said softly.

"It's fine. I like taking care of her." I told him, returning to the task I'd started before he'd walked in. "You are up just in time to help me make a late dinner, though."

I listened to the sounds of Colby behind me as I continued to cut sliced from a large, round tomato. He opened up my refrigerator and took out a beer for himself. I didn't stop chopping until I felt him close to me. My entire body tightened up when he was near enough to the back of me that I could feel his presence. He reached over and set his beer bottle down beside me before his hand came over mine. His palm closed over the back of my hand, causing me to drop the knife that had been in my grasp. Before I could take another breath his lips were against the side of my neck and his body was pressed to mine. A small groan left my body before I could begin to silence it and without even realizing it I'd let my head fall backwards so that it rested on his shoulder. "You smell wonderful." he whispered into my neck as he left several soft kisses along the highly sensitive expanse of skin covering my neck and the area behind my ear. Instinctively I moved myself against the front of his body. "Thank you, Jon. Seriously. I can never thank you enough for this." he told me as he moved away from my body, to my disappointment.

"Sure." I said weakly, fumbling to regain the steadiness I'd possessed before he'd started kissing my flesh.

"What's for dinner?" he asked me, a wicked grin across his face.

* * *

"_Wake up, look me in the eyes again._

_I need to feel your hand upon my face._

_Words can be like knives. They can cut you open. _

_And in the silence surrounds you and haunts you._

_I think I might have inhaled you. _

_I can feel you behind my eyes. _

_You've gotten into my bloodstream._

_I can feel you flowing in me."_

After we'd shared dinner Colby lingered around and found any excuse he could to get just a little too close to me, causing me to feel somewhat uncomfortable. As he leaned over beside me and helped me load the dishwasher he accidentally on purpose took every opportunity to brush up against me and I began to wonder if this was how he'd felt years ago when I made advances on him.

He gave me a short break when he told me he wanted to go and check in on his little girl. I felt as though I could finally breathe when he left the room, finding that I was much more tense than I'd realized. Since it'd been so long since I'd been physical with anyone, the thought of getting back into that with Colby worried me. It shouldn't have mattered because this was a man who I knew very well that we were talking about. As intimidated as I was at the thought of actually getting intimate with him once again, I did my best to not let it overwhelm me. I searched for the confidence I'd once possessed when I was with him and hoped I could once again channel that side of myself as he walked back into the kitchen.

As Colby began asking me about how things had gone with Lucy over the weekend I turned my back to him, rinsing my beer bottle out in the sink. Once again I listened as I heard the sound of his voice getting closer and closer. I wasn't truly afraid until I heard the sound of him pulling down the chain that caused the overhead light to flick off. The kitchen was mostly dark now with the exception of what little light came in through the window in front of me and the blue light that shined forth from the clock on my coffee maker.

This time anticipating his arrival I stood there, waiting. Sure enough he made his way over to me and once again pulled me close to his body. Maybe it was because the room was now so dimly lit, but I felt a little more at ease than I had just a little earlier while in the same position. Colby wrapped his arms around my waist this time and brought his parted lips towards my earlobe, a soft hiss leaving my mouth when his teeth grazed against the tender flesh there. His body felt like home to me as I pressed against the front of him, noting the slight bulge I felt at the front of his pants as I rolled my hips against him. "I need you, Jon..." he told me sweetly and eagerly as his grip on me tightened and he rubbed his bearded cheek against my face. I moved my head to allow our lips to meet and we kissed each other hungrily. My bottom lip pulled against his and I greedily sucked on it, reveling in the taste of his kiss.

With open mouths and wandering hands we worked each other into a frenzy and it wasn't long before Colby had worked the front of my pants open and was playing at nudging down my zipper. I never allowed him to break our kiss as he used one hand to slowly coax the top of my jeans down while using the other hand to hold the side of my neck. "Fuck..." I whispered harshly into his mouth as his hand closed over my cock through my boxers. Slowly he moved his palm up and down over my cock and brought it up to full attention. It didn't take much, really, considering how long it'd been since anyone had touched me that way. Closing my eyes tight I moved my nose up and down across the side of his neck and listened to the steady sound of his breathing pattern as he touched me. I only opened my eyes when I heard his next words to me.

"Take me to your bedroom."

* * *

Who was I to deny him? I did as he asked and took him upstairs to my bedroom. "Shit, Lucy's sleeping in here." I said, turning to find that she wasn't there anymore.

"Actually, I moved her down to Sami's room..." he said to me. I smiled at him, understanding that he'd been planning this.

"That's probably for the best. You don't think she'll wake up, do you?" I asked as I took his hand in mine.

"No, she's a pretty solid sleeper." he assured me.

It didn't take us long to find our way to my bed and we slowly worked our way into another heated make-out session. It wasn't until I looked up at Colby on top of me that I began to feel a second thought creeping in. "Are you sure we're going to do this? I mean...we should do this?" I asked him feebly. "I mean... I'm not saying that I don't want to I just...if we're going to do...you know..."

"You sound like I used to when we were first together." Colby laughed as he rested his chin against my chest. "Just be quiet. Let it happen. I know it's been a long time for you, but it's been a long time for both of us. I can't think of another person I'd rather be with, though...to be honest." Colby told me as he pressed his fingers to my cheek. "I've been thinking about his for months now. Let me be with you again, Jon."

I held Colby's face in my hands as we kissed again, sharing the passion between us as our lips mingled together and our bodies touched in the most seductive ways. Every now and then his eyes would flash open and I would catch a glimpse of the sweet desire that was hiding behind those dark eyes of his. Instinct took over and I got lost in his touch, that old familiar feeling that I had to make him mine hitting me suddenly and fiercely. He still had the front of my jeans pulled down just far enough to expose my dick and would take a short break from kissing me every few moments to stroke my length up and down a few times before returning his lips to mine. "I need you, Colby. I've needed you all this time and I love that you're here with me again." I told him as I wrapped my hand around the tight ponytail at the back of his neck. "I love you. I need you. Tell me you need me too, please? I need to hear you say it."

"You know I do, Jon. I need you now just as much as you need me." I flashed a satisfied grin up towards him and pulled his shirt up over his body, loving the way his skin felt on my hands as I did. Shifting us so that Colby was laying on the bed and I was the one on top, I made quick work of taking full advantage of this opportunity. I freed him of his t-shirt and quickly found his nipples with my teeth, darting between the left and right with my mouth and making small pecks at them with my front teeth before slowly sucking on them for a few moments. His body arched beneath me and his neck twisted from side to side as his fingernails pressed gently against my arms. When I found his hand on the back of my neck I recalled the location of his sweet spot. His wrist. I reached over and pulled his arm over, pressing my lips against the soft skin of the back of his wrist. As I traced my tongue over the raised veins there I heard him moan out my name and I had to smile, stopping just long enough to tell him how much I loved his body before returning to teasing him. "I've missed you, pretty baby. I love your body so much and I missed this. Your skin tastes just as sweet as it did the first time I ever took you, it's just like I remember it."

Even as I moved down his form I never allowed my hands or my lips to leave his body. His fingers gently ruffled the wispy strands of my dark blonde hair that had fallen down over my face as I traveled down his torso with my tongue. "In the time that's passed I've spent hours dreaming about this, fantasizing about you. You can't even imagine how much time I've given to remembering how every little part of you felt. I think by now I've got you memorized just from fantasies. The real thing is much better, though." I smiled up at him as I playfully stroked at his cock, still covered by his pants.

"Please..." he begged me softly as I continued to move my hand up and down across his hardness through the material of his pants.

"I love it when you say that word." I told him as I took my time unbuckling his belt. Sliding his pants down just a little, his tattoo caught my eye once again. I'd forgotten about it until that moment and it took me a few blinks to remember that it was real. "It's beautiful." I whispered up at him as I leaned over his stomach and kissed at the taut skin there. "Who knew that those marks I left on you could turn into something so beautiful?" I stated, kissing along the border of his tattoo.

"They were always beautiful. So were you..." he told me as he worked his fingers over my neck.

Not wanting to wait any longer, I promptly removed the remains of his clothing and sucked in a long breath upon taking in the sight of his naked body sprawled out before me once again. "Pretty baby..." I sighed. "You've always been the beautiful one." I corrected him as I zoned in on his rigid cock. My fingertips ran up the length of his dick causing it to twitch in the most delicious way against my touch. It really sprang to life as I slowly stuck out my tongue and moved it up his cock, from base to tip. As I began sucking on his cock I couldn't tell which one of us was more turned on, me or him. The way his fingernails carefully tore at the skin of my shoulder blades and the little circles he would occasionally make with his thumbs across my ears as I moved my mouth over his cock made the arousal in me boil.

"That feels so fucking good, Jon..." Colby encouraged me as I continued to blow him. I had every intention of continuing until he came, focused solely on tasting him once again. My cock stirred against the comforter beneath me as his hips moved faster and his orgasm started to approach. I focused in on the swollen head of his cock towards the end, tracing short circles over the small nub on his head as I greedily sucked on him and grazed my teeth against him for good measure, sending him into obliviously long sequence of moans and hisses as he pushed towards orgasm. His seed had never tasted so good against my tongue and I was almost afraid that I might release myself as he shot off in my mouth. Somehow I kept my orgasm from happening as I swallowed down every drop of him I could suck from his cock.

Colby's breaths were long and heavy as he came down from his orgasm. I made my way up his body in slow, cat-like manner and met eyes with him. I'd barely been afforded enough time to flash him a little smile before he rolled me over and mounted me. "My turn." he told me sweetly before kissing my lips, his tongue darting inside my mouth almost instantly. Just when I'd really started to appreciate the firm smoothness of his tongue against mine he moved away, my mouth still open and expectant as he did.

"You look a bit disappointed, Jon. Don't worry. I've got a better use for my tongue." he grinned as he shed my clothing and tossed it aside. Colby proceeded to perform on me the most incredibly intimate, loving blow job I'd ever had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of. His tongue traced magical patterns up and down the length of my shaft while he reached up my body, his fingers lightly teasing my nipples all the while. I would have been perfectly content to allow this act to go on forever, but it wasn't realistic. His actions worked me into a steady buildup, resulting in one of the most satisfying orgasms I'd ever had. Colby kept sucking on my dick after I came and I was pleased when I felt my erection remaining while he did so. Colby's mouth left my cock and he quickly replaced it with his hand, moving it up and down my still hard length at a slow, steady pace. "I need you. You feel how much I need you?" he asked me as he grabbed my hand and placed it on his own stiff cock.

"Fuck." I whispered slowly, moving my hand along his length as well. "I need you. Stand up for me."

Colby obliged and I climbed off the bed as well, both of us standing alongside my bed. Quickly I found the lube I kept at my bedside. All I needed to do for him to get the idea was to turn him around by the shoulders so that his back was turned towards me. Everything after that was all him. He glanced over his shoulder shortly, flashing me a narrow eyed look before bending over the bed with his palms on the mattress and his legs spread. The tantalizing way he was knowingly presenting himself to me drove me crazy with need and as much as I longed to stare at him this way for hours on end, I jumped into action. Roughly I pressed the back of his head down, stopping to pull just a little at his dark curls before slowly pulling away and softly moving the back of my hand along his spine. Taking two handfuls of his delightfully full ass in my grip, I squeezed and pressed forward so that my hardness was against his ass. He let out a short whimper in response as I did.

I deftly lubed up his ass and entered him with two fingers, delighted by the tightness surrounding my digits. "Your ass always felt so sweet around my cock, you know that? How I've missed this..." I told him as I eased my first two fingers in and out of him slowly, preparing him for me. The way his legs flexed as I teased his asshole with my fingers made a sick smile spread across my face and it grew even wider as I watched the way his hands clenched into fists, clinging to the comforter on the bed. When I was sure that he was ready for me I lubed up my cock first and then his, catching a quick glimpse of his face as he glanced over his shoulder and looked at me. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this." I told him as I held his body steady at the hips and eased my cock inside of him for the first time in years, my heart beating faster once I was all the way inside of him.

The gentle, raspy sound of him moaning out my name was enough to encourage me to proceed. My cock strained as I fucked him in long strokes, making sure that I was almost all the way out of his ass before sliding myself back inside of him as far as I could. I held his waist with one hand and reached around his body with the other, finding his cock and smearing his warm viscous pre-cum over his head with my thumb before beginning to jerk him off. The sounds of my body meeting with his ass made a delightful slapping sound as Colby moaned out almost in unison with me, bucking his hips to meet my thrusts. Colby came first, his sticky jizz coating the palm of my hand as I continued to fuck him. My orgasm followed shortly after and it was so intense that I thought for a split-second that I might pass out from the rush that took over me as I ejaculated inside of him.

* * *

"_The spaces in between two minds and all the places they have been._

_The spaces in between._

_I try to put my finger on it.__  
I try to put my finger on it._

_I think I might have inhaled you. _

_I can feel you behind my eyes. _

_You've gotten into my bloodstream._

_I can feel you flowing in me."_

The two of us settled in on my bed after we had sex, Colby laying beside me and resting his head on my chest. I wrapped my arm around his body and pulled him to me, unreasonably afraid that if I didn't he might not be there when I woke up in the morning. "I love you, pretty baby. I always have and I always will." I told him as I hugged him closer to me, my hand firmly gripping his bicep. "It means a lot to me to have you here with me again. If there's a way that I can keep it this way, I hope you'll show me."

* * *

Author's note: OOOHHHH...they done did the nasty again! No, seriously...I had to write them having sex. It was literally eating away at me and it was time for it to happen. The next part might just be the last for this story. There could be two more chapters, I haven't decided yet. I do plan on wrapping things up in the near future, though. On a side note I have to mention how much I've enjoyed interacting with some of you guys over the last few months. I'm always up for talking to my readers and fellow writers of the Ambrollins/Death/Deathro ship. You're all lovely people. I adore you.


	7. Kiss Me And Smile For Me

Author's note: Thank you to all my readers. You guys are great for either sticking around this long or finding my story somewhere along the way. Thank you to all of you who review and message me. You guys are the best.

This chapter is brought to you first and foremost by the great old song "Leaving On A Jet Plane" by Peter Paul and Mary. Usually when I get to work in the morning and the oldies station is on I roll my eyes and grumble. One day last week though, this song came on and it hit me hard as I listened to it. I think it's very fitting for this chapter.

This chapter is also brought to you by the song "Gone Gone Gone" by Phillip Phillips (I hate his name but I love his song). My real life best friend and fellow fanfic author Catesy on this site played this song for me on the ride back to my house the other day. Halfway through she stopped the song and asked me "You're thinking about your guys, aren't you?" Yeah. I was. I know she's my friend because she always listens to me talk about my fanfic even though she's not really a wrestling fan and she can't stand slash. I know she's my best friend because she knows what songs will go with something I'm writing even though she's never read it.

Last but not least, this chapter is also brought to you by the song "Stubborn Love" by The Lumineers. This one is more for old time feels, this song would have probably fit in better with "Feel Again" or maybe some other point in the story, but I listened to it while writing this anyway. It's a sad song and I can tell you that not only do I think it fits with my story but I identify with it personally as well.

We pick up the next morning. I hope you guys enjoy!

* * *

The next morning..

Waking up in the morning with someone in my bed was odd. The feeling of stirring underneath the sheets and finding that there was weight beside me wasn't something I was used to, having gone it alone for such a long time now. When my foggy, half asleep brain realized that it was Colby still fast asleep beside me I exhaled and smiled, immediately remembering what had happened between us just hours ago.

Just a few short movements in bed told me all I needed to know. My body was a little bit sore, my muscles tired. Colby and I had rested for just a short time last night before returning to making love to each other once again, the second time lasting much longer than the first had. Now this morning I was feeling it, but it was more than worth any little bit of physical discomfort or strain I might have been feeling.

I sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my palms across my face, trying to wake myself up all the way. One glance over towards my alarm clock told me that Lucy would be awake soon. Seven o'clock. That was what time Colby had written down on the sheet of paper he'd given me to tell me what time she'd be waking up. Seven o'clock. That was what time she'd gotten me out of bed for the last three mornings prior. This morning would be different, though. I'd be getting her out of bed.

I stirred her out of her slumber at about six forty-five, hoping that a fifteen minute difference in timing wouldn't completely throw her off of her routine, almost laughing out loud at myself for thinking that. My thought was that I would spend one last morning with little Lucy before she left along with her daddy to go back home to Iowa. I also thought it would be sweet to let Colby sleep in a little bit this morning, knowing that not only was he probably still exhausted from the long weekend he'd just lived through but that since he was a single father, he didn't get to sleep in.

Lucy seemed happy to see me as I picked her up out of her crib and rested her against my chest, her chin settling on my shoulder. Her little hands pulled at handfuls of my t-shirt as I carried her over to the guest bed and changed her diaper. Once she was clean and I'd changed her out of her pajamas, I brought her to the kitchen with me so I could make her breakfast. She watched me with what I saw as a look of interest as I made her a small bowl of ground rice cereal and started up a pot of coffee. When it was all ready I sat down at the kitchen table and pulled her highchair up to it, feeding her small bites of cereal as I sipped on my coffee. She stared at me intently as I propped myself up on my elbow. I just sat there and fed her, staring at the little girl that belonged to the man who I loved so much, the man who was still asleep in my bed.

When she'd eaten all of her rice cereal I gave her a bottle of warm formula and moved her over to the kitchen counter, turning her around in her chair so that she could watch me unload the dishwasher. Her little eyes followed almost every move I made as I put all the dishes from the last couple of days away in the cabinet. "We should probably go wake up your dad, huh little girl?" I asked her when I'd finished, gently reaching over to brush the wispy little strands of dark hair off of her forehead.

"Bahhh!" she answered me, banging the bottom of her bottle against the tray of her highchair.

"I'll take that as a yes..." I laughed as I picked her up.

On the third attempt I was finally able to wake up Colby. His shoulder jerked and he let out an indistinguishable groan of some sort as I shoved at his body for the third time, almost yelling at him now. "COLBY! Get up."

"Whaaa?" he mumbled against the pillow, pulling the sheets up over his head. "Damn, Jon." he said groggily as he slowly rolled over onto his back.

"Don't you think it's time to get up?" I asked him jokingly, standing at the side of the bed with Lucy tight in my grasp.

He looked over at his daughter and I, a smile spreading across his face instantly. There was simply no helping it, I had to smile as well.

"Isn't this quite the sight?" he commented, sitting up in bed. I sat down next to him when he reached both arms out, asking me for his little girl. Colby sat her down on his lap and she looked up at him with a look of pure love in her eyes, a tiny grin across her lips.

"Heeee!" she trilled out, obviously happy to see her father. She wiggled and moved so that she could reach up his body and try to grasp his long hair, attempting but failing to stretch her little arms up to get to the black curls that were hanging down over his shoulders this morning.

"You just get her up?" he asked me, putting his arm around her shoulder.

"No. I got her up earlier." I told him, watching the two of them as they interacted. "We already had cereal and coffee without you..." I smiled.

"Oh yeah?" Colby looked over at me, grinning.

"She helped me unload the dishwasher and everything."

"When did you become...you know what, never mind. I shouldn't, Jon..." Colby said to me, stopping himself.

"What? What were you about to ask me?" I wondered.

"It's nothing. It doesn't matter." he mumbled as he looked down at his daughter.

Frowning, I picked up Lucy and hugged her to my body once again. Colby just watched me as I spoke to him. "When you're ready to talk, we'll be outside on the patio. Come on Lucy, let's give daddy some time to get out of bed."

* * *

Lucy and I found a shady spot on the patio and we settled in to wait for Colby. I sat down in my favorite chair and sipped another cup of coffee as Lucy sat in her swing, looking out at the backyard. I tried to pass the time until Colby came out by imagining what the world must look like to Lucy. I came to to the conclusion that everything must have been huge to her, given her perspective. The trees in our backyard must have seemed to go on forever as far as she was concerned. It probably looked like miles to her from one side of the lawn to the other. I became fascinated with these thoughts until Colby joined us outside, his own cup of coffee in his hand.

"Look, Jon...I didn't mean to upset you. I just had a thought in there a few minutes ago while I was looking at you and I thought it best not to finish it, alright?" he explained to me as he sat down next to me.

"Finish it. What's there to be afraid of?" I asked him, catching his gaze. "Go ahead." I had a feeling about what he was going to say. I hoped that I was right.

"Fine. This all just hit me hard when I was looking at you in the bedroom, standing there with my little girl in your arms. All I had to do was open my eyes and see you there and I knew you'd gotten up before me, taken care of my daughter, fed her breakfast...and I just thought to myself 'That's SO NOT Jon. Who is this guy?'. So when that hit me and I almost said it out loud, I had to stop myself..." Colby carefully explained all of this to me as he stared down into his cup of black coffee.

This didn't really strike me as very odd, what Colby was telling me. He was right, the Jon he used to know was not the same man who he was sitting next to. I bore a small resemblance to that man, but now I was a much more subdued version of him. In the two and a half years since we'd ended our run as partners, I'd lived and matured more than I'd even realized. "You're right." I told Colby as I shifted in my chair a bit. "Well, half right. No, that's not the same Jon from before. The Jon standing in the bedroom this morning holding your daughter is far from the man who you knew back then..."

"I noticed." he told me softly, interrupting me.

"I hope you don't think I'm a completely different person, Colby. I can tell you I'm not perfect. I've never been and I'll never claim to be. What I do claim to be is a much more calm, focused person than I used to be. And a person who hopes that you see in me what I see..." I told him, raising my eyebrows in his direction.

He grinned over at me, a warm look on his face as he did. "I gotta ask you some things, Jon. This is killing me."

"Ask away."

"You've told me all these thing that you have and mainly haven't done in the last couple of years. You'll forgive me if I don't quite believe them all, won't you?" he asked me timidly, rubbing his thumb over the rim of his coffee cup.

"I won't forgive you. I'll do whatever it takes to make you believe that it's true, if that's what you need." I sighed.

"You stopped drinking the way you used to?" he began his line of questioning with this query, turning to face me and resting with his elbow on the arm of the chair.

"I did. Not gonna say that I don't have the occasional beer. One or two here and there. But I don't drink them the way I used to. I stay away from the liquor. I told you, that night you and I shared drinks at your house in Florida was the first time in months I'd had the hard stuff. I don't need to drown myself in alcohol now. Back then I used it to numb myself. It didn't make me forget anything that I was trying to run from, it just made it a little more bearable." I explained to Colby, remembering the foggy feeling I used to get when I'd let my sorrows sink down to the bottom of a shot glass. "I don't have to do that now. I'm happy with my life."

"I don't think I've ever heard you say that." Colby told me softly. "Not even when we practically lived together. It's good to hear you say that."

"You're right. It is."

"You really hadn't had sex with anyone until last night with me? Come on, Jon. I'm not that gullible. I think out of all the things you told me, that was the hardest one for me to believe. Everybody has desires, Jon. You can't hide that."

It hurt to hear Colby tell me that he didn't buy my confession about me choosing not to have another lover after him. His doubt filled words made a small pain grow in my gut, but all I could do was try to make him understand. "It's the truth. You can believe me if you want to, or you can choose not to. I know the truth and it's what I'm telling you. I wouldn't lie to you. Yes, there were opportunities presented to me. I didn't take them because I chose not to. I didn't want them, any of those people who during that time I met and could have had sex with. They didn't matter. None of them meant a damn thing to me and they wouldn't have in the long run, even if I'd taken them as my lovers. If you want the honest truth I knew in my soul that no other person would ever be able to compare to you so I didn't care about it. Sex wasn't important. I knew it'd never amount to anything because no matter what I would always compare that person to you. You would have ended up winning, every time."

"Not even once?"

"Not even once."

We fell silent for several minutes after that, the only sounds coming from Lucy as she cooed away while watching Sami's bumbling dog bounce around in the yard. "Have you...you know? Have you had sex with anyone but me since she died?" I asked finally, disrupting our silence. I'd wanted to ask him this question last night, but decided against it.

"No. I...I couldn't." he told me slowly, folding his hands in his lap as he leaned back in his chair. "There was no way. I...it would have been...I dunno...awkward. I mean...with the exception of you. It wouldn't have been so awkward if it had been you and I, I guess..."

"So with that thought maybe you can relate to the way I felt when our relationship ended." I added, staring over at him. "I wouldn't have been able to do it either." I told him softly. "Lemme ask you another question. What if I hadn't come back into the picture. Let's pretend I never visited you in the hospital. I never came to your house. Would you have tried to get in touch with me or just gone on with your life?"

"I probably would have gone on with my life, what was left of it at least." he sighed, visibly uncomfortable because of our topic of conversation. I shrugged it off, knowing that these were things we had to talk about, one way or another. "If you'd never showed up like you did, then I don't think I would have reached out to you. It wasn't in my immediate plans, at least. When I thought about it and when I thought about you, I would just assume that you were out there somewhere living your life the way you wanted to and that you'd moved on. So thinking that, why would I have bothered? Plus in my mind I still pictured you being the same Jon that walked out of that hotel room that night when we split up..." he told me, trailing off. Colby raised his head then and looked over at me, smiling as he examined my face. "It doesn't matter. This is all hypothetical. You did come back into my life and here we are."

"Yeah. I know."

"You can see it from my side, right? Tables turned, you're me and I'm you...you wouldn't be just a little dumbfounded to find that person you used to know now completely different?" he asked me.

"I don't think I'm completely different. Just new and improved..." I smiled.

"Oh, come on..." Colby laughed. Lucy giggled as well, looking over at both of us in succession as she did. Colby's playful facial expression lasted for just a few moments before it turned right back to serious. "One other question, Jon. This is the most important one, I think. Be honest with me. You really haven't taken pills since we parted ways? Honestly, tell me?"

"I wouldn't say since we split up. That isn't true. You know why I quit. I was on the verge of being fired, so I walked out before they could do it. I was on my last wellness policy violation and I was going to get the boot. Since I've been back home, though...I haven't touched the stuff. Not one pill has passed my lips since I've been back home in Ohio. That's the most honest truth I've ever spoken to anyone. I promise you. I would never go back to that again. Out of all of my addictions, habits, vices...that was the one that was the worst. I knew it. It was also the one that was the hardest for me to quit because I loved how those pills made me feel, or better yet...that they made me feel less. That was the point."

"What made you want to stop? Nothing else had ever made you stop. Not me picking you up off the bathroom floor. Not being in a relationship with me. Not finally getting the biggest break of your career and having every possible opportunity thrown at you. Why did you stop when you did?"

"I saw that it was one of the reasons why I lost you." I told him as I stared into his eyes. "I wanted to rid myself of all of those things, the ones that caused me to lose you. Like I told you months ago, I knew that I'd see you again one day and that I wanted to be better than I was. I needed for you to see me and see that I was different. Maybe I needed it more for myself than for you, but it was what motivated me." I brushed away a stray tear that fell down my cheek slowly as I choked back the rest of them. Colby seeing me cry was not something I wanted.

"You understand that I've watched you go through this time and time again. Back and forth. Back and forth. That's been you over the years. How am I to know that this time is the one that will stick? How do I know that old Jon isn't lurking just around the corner with enough time or enough temptation? Things might get hard again in your life. That was always the way. When you felt uncomfortable or you felt like things were difficult you'd just reach for a bottle of pills, further complicating things. Who's to say you won't do it again?" Colby asked me a very valid question, and one that he had every right to ask. I understood that watching me to up and down through the years couldn't have been easy for him. Having him here now after everything that had happened between us was something I should surely be grateful for.

"You'll just have to trust me. That's all I've ever asked of you. That's all I've ever wanted." With that Colby gave me a stern look, staring at me for a few moments before collecting both of our coffee cups and retreating to the kitchen. He returned a couple of minutes later with more coffee for both of us and returned to his seat, still watching me out of the corner of his eye.

"HEY YO!" Sami's booming voice coming from the kitchen made all three of us jerk in our seats. "Oh, sorry...I thought it'd be just Jon when I came home..." he apologized as he stuck his head out of the door and peered out at the three of us. "Okay...did I interrupt something...cause I feel like I did...should I go?"

"Nah, man." Colby told him as he got up out of his chair and went over to Sami. "It's good to see you. It's been years." I watched as the two men hugged each other and made small talk. It was then that I decided I couldn't let Colby leave just yet. I needed another day with him. He had to stay a little bit longer.

As my friend and my ex-lover caught up on the patio, I brought Lucy back into the house with me and changed her diaper once again. "You wanna stay another day, sweetie?" I asked her in a small voice as I stretched out the tabs on the sides of her diaper and secured them at her stomach. "I think I could talk dad into it."

When I walked back through the kitchen Sami was alone there, pouring himself a giant bowl of cereal. Colby was still sitting on the patio. "Sami. Sit here with Lucy and keep her busy for a few minutes. I need to talk to Colby." I set Lucy back down in her highchair and pointed at the kitchen table as Sami stared at me, milk across his chin. "God, you're worse than the baby."

"Screw you, Jon." he mumbled as he sat down next to Lucy. "Maybe I can share my breakfast with her."

"Don't you dare give that girl sharp, sugary cereal. If she chokes to death while I'm gone then I'll be sure to choke the life out of you..." I warned him, shaking my fist in his direction. That earned me my second double bird of the week.

"So if you're finished with the questions, I'd like to ask you something." I told Colby as I returned to the patio. He nodded at me and pushed his open hand forward, encouraging me to continue. "You think you can stay another day or so?"

Colby blinked a few times as he looked me up and down before he answered my question. "I suppose. I mean...there's not exactly any rush for us to get back home. It's just us. I don't have to go to work. I don't have anyone to answer to. Who knows when the next time will be when we can get together? So, yeah. I think we could stick around another day..." I smiled down at him as he gave me the only answer I was willing to accept from him. "...or maybe two."

"Hey...you stay as long as you want. You're both welcome here."

* * *

Later on that afternoon I somehow managed to convince Sami to babysit for the night so that Colby and I could spend some time together without Lucy. The chance for Colby to get out of the house without his little girl wasn't exactly one that presented itself very often, so I decided to take full advantage of the opportunity when I realized it was there for us. I couldn't decide what I was more nervous about...leaving Sami and Lucy alone together in the house or being out alone with Colby. Both of those scenarios worried me, chewed away at me as I pondered them. Finally I accepted the fact that everything would be fine on both fronts if I just calmed down and allowed things to happen naturally.

"Get dressed. We've got plans." I told Colby at six o'clock.

"What plans?"

"I'm taking you somewhere. You'll see. Come on." I told him, grabbing his forearm and leading him away.

"Where? What about...?" Colby stuttered out from behind me, dragging his feet.

"Hey!" I told him, stopping both of us dead in out tracks. The confused look on his face would have been cute if he hadn't been frowning so hard. "Don't ask any more questions. We're going out. Sami's watching Lucy. Just get dressed and come on. You can thank me later..."

"I wasn't going to th..."

"SHH. Just go." With that statement Colby flashed me another confused look before slowly walking towards my bedroom to change his clothes as I'd asked him.

No more than an hour later Colby and I sat down in a small corner booth at one of the nicer restaurants in town. "Is this why you wanted me to stay?" he asked me after we ordered drinks. "So you could take me out for a night on the town, no kid around?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. This was a very spontaneous decision." I grinned.

"Yeah. I don't believe that. Nothing is ever spontaneous with you, at least not most things. Your wheels are always turning. You think so much that every little movement and action you make is premeditated without you even being aware of it." Colby knew me better than anyone else in the world and it had never been more apparent than now.

"This morning I looked over at you and I knew I couldn't let you go just yet. Not yet." I sighed, playing with the label on the bottle of beer the waiter had just placed in front of me.

"You know what I like best about this version of Jon sitting across from me right now?" Colby asked me.

"How gracefully he's aged?" I joked.

"I'm being serious." he told me, scrunching his facial features up as he did. "This Jon is much more considerate. I like that. You had your moments way back then when you were a little selfish, we both know that. I know I called you that word more than once and I didn't always mean it, but some of those instances you deserved it. You were lost in what you wanted, what you needed, how you felt...I don't see so much of that now."

I wasn't so sure how to take what I assumed was a compliment from Colby. Thankfully before I could interject he continued. "You seem to have stopped thinking so much about yourself and now you think more about the people around you. Look at this. You set it up so that we could be together while Sami is watching my little one. I like to think that this whole thing was only a tad selfish." he smiled.

"Just a little bit." I teased him, making a small gap between my thumb and forefinger to show him how much. "I mean, my motivation was a little bit on the selfish side...I won't lie. I wanted to be with you. That's the truth."

After dinner we strolled down the street and walked along the riverfront. We found a quiet bench to sit on so that we could talk. "Lemme ask you something Colby. How long are you going to wait to go back to wrestling?"

"I don't know. I've thought about it, I think about it almost daily. My little girl is my first priority now. I'd like to go back one day and they want me to return, I don't know..." he sighed. I easily sensed a tone of sadness in his voice as he talked about the two things I was sure he loved most in this world. His child and his career.

"You have to go back." I told him, resting my hand on top of his. "You have to. That's what you do. You're a wrestler. That's always been your dream. Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you have to give up what you want to do with your life."

"I know. If I went back I'd need someone to be with Lucy while I was away. That would be hell, leaving her with some of my family or finding a nanny that I would be able to trust? That just scares me, Jon. I hate the thought of leaving her. I hate the thought of never wrestling again. What am I to do? I keep telling myself I don't have to make up my mind right now. I can wait until she's older and then I can think about it more, but I can't help myself sometimes. When it's just the two of us at home my mind wanders and I think of what the future will be like. Most of the time, I don't know. I can't picture it..." he told me, trailing off as he talked to me about what he saw ahead of him.

"Humor me and listen to what I see in the future...that is as long as you'd consider including me in your future..." I knew that I was venturing out on what was very thin ice, but I didn't care. This wouldn't be the first time I'd fallen through and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

Colby turned his head and gave me a warm smile, his hand on my shoulder as he did. "I think that keeping you around would be a smart decision. My future with you in it...that wouldn't be such a bad thing. We could test the waters. Go ahead...tell me about the future. I'll listen..."

"If you'll have me I want to be back in your life and I don't mean just on the other side of a computer screen with the occasional visit. I mean for good." I heard a small sigh escape from Colby as he straightened up and shifted his body so that he faced me more. "With you and Lucy is where I want to be. I know you probably have your doubts and they're valid. I can't blame you. All I can ask you to do is to try. All we can do is try. If you want my version of the future it's with you and I together again, raising that little girl. I hate the thought of you doing it by yourself for the rest of your life. Your little girl is important to me and you're even more important to me. I love you more now than I ever have. I feel closer to you now than ever. It might just be me but I think you feel the same. Tell me you do?"

"It's not just about me, you get that, right? Nothing in life is about what I want. It's about what's best for my girl. The decision to be with you again wouldn't be one that I'd make just for myself. It's not just me you'd be in a relationship with this time around, it'd be with her as well."

"I know. You think I haven't laid awake at night and thought of that?" I asked him, putting my hand on his leg. "We've come so far in these last few months. You know that. You see it just as I do. I love your little girl. Taking care of Lucy is a privilege. I'm thankful you've allowed me to do so. I'm never having children of my own, Colby. Everything happens for a reason. I love you and I love her. You're sitting next to me right now because you're supposed to be. Just think about it. That's all I can ask." I sighed, hoping that my pleas were enough to convince him to at least consider allowing me to be a part of his life again, a permanent part of it.

"That's a lot to ask, Jon. Let me give it some time." Colby answered me after thinking about it for a few silent moments. "You know, you're asking me about what the future of my career is. What about you? What's your future hold?"

"The plan is to keep on going until my body gives out." I told him, wrapping my arm around his shoulder. "Dragon Gate has been good to me. They accepted me back with open arms right away. Sami and I had a good run with the tag belts. Now that that's over with they told me I would be putting over some new, younger talent. I don't mind. We need it. I see in a few of those fresh young faces something I used to see in myself so long ago. There's also talk of me going for the title, but that's down the road. Now that Sami's leaving, it'll be just me on my own, I guess..."

"Leaving?"

"Yeah. He only told me the other day. He's going to WWE. He leaves in about six weeks. I'm happy for the guy. He gave up his first chance and now they've asked him again to sign. This time he did. He'll do well. I hope they treat him right. Not many people get a second chance, but they were understanding when he told them no the first time...I guess they like him. They must see something in him and I hope they push him to the fucking moon." I explained to Colby, a big smile on my face as I thought of my friend succeeding in the big time.

"It's funny you talk about second chances. A couple of weeks ago I was talking to Paul..."

"Paul Paul, CEO Paul?"

"Yes, Jon. That Paul. He asked me about you because he'd been watching some of the matches with you and Sami from last year in Dragon Gate. Anyway, he asked about you and we talked a little about you. He told me how angry he'd been when all of the incidents towards the end of your run went down. I don't have to tell you how much they thought of you, you knew. They would have made you a huge star, they wanted to. But...well...you know."

"Yeah. Trust me, I've played it out in my mind a thousand times or more..."Colby reminded me of the opportunities I missed out on because of my former behavior and trust me, I knew better than anyone else what could have been. He didn't have to refresh my memory. I understood what I'd thrown away.

"So we talked about how he hated the way you left, he hated the missed opportunity. I told him you were doing well out on the independents, so he thought that was great. He told me that in the matches he'd watched he thought you hadn't missed a single beat. He said that you were still just as good and that he still thought you had just as much potential to be a major star now as you had back then."

"Why are you telling me all this, Colby?" I asked him, not understanding where he was headed in explaining all of this to me.

"He told me that when I saw you next to tell you something. He wanted me to tell you two words and two words only. 'Call me.'. I think you should do it, Jon. They want you back, I can tell." Colby told me, leaning against my body and looking at my face. "If I can't go back right now...at least you could."

"No, Colby. I don't think that's what he was getting at..." I protested, sure that I was the last thing on the CEO's mind.

"Jon, I talked to the man. Hell, even before that conversation I heard guys talk about how you should have been more, you could have been more. Aside from the last couple of months you were there, they were very pleased with you. They'd give you another chance, I am sure of it. Trust me." Colby told me slowly, the sound of him telling me those two words I'd probably told him a thousand times or more sending a sharp chill through my body.

"Man. That's unbelievable." I said softly. "I don't know. I guess it looks like we both have things to think about then, don't we..."

"I guess so." Colby answered as he leaned against me. "I guess so."

* * *

On the ride back home Colby started to panic a little when he tried to call Sami to make sure that Lucy had fallen asleep alright and he didn't answer. I assured him that everything was fine and that Sami was probably just oblivious to the ringing of the telephone for one reason or another, but I could still sense the terror he was feeling, worried about his little girl. I drove us back home a little faster than I should have.

"Sami?" I called out as I walked through the hallway, hoping to hear his voice. "Holy hell..." I said softly, turning to Colby and putting my hand on his chest. "Shhhh."

"Oh, god..." he whispered to me. Colby and I both took in what was the cutest and also the most ridiculous sight we'd seen in a long time. Sami was sprawled out on the couch with Lucy beside him, her little hand still gripping a handful of his terribly unruly mess of tangled black hair. Both of them were fast asleep. Sami let out small snores as I watched his chest rise and fall. Half of Lucy's pink baby blanket was spread out over Sami's chest, as though they were sharing it.

I had to cover my mouth to contain my laughter. "At least he put her on the inside of the couch so she wouldn't fall off..." I finally told Colby, confident that the worst of the laughter had been suppressed for the time being.

"You know...the look really peaceful." he told me, cocking his head to the side and taking a long look at the two of them as they slept together on the couch. Reluctantly I picked Lucy up as though she was made of glass, being as careful as I could be so that she wouldn't wake up. In the process I accidentally bumped Sami's elbow, causing him to jerk awake.

"WHAAAAAAAA?"

"Shut up, stupid." I hissed as I handed Lucy over to Colby. "Lucy's sleeping."

"Oh man...I thought she'd never fall asleep..." he told me groggily. "I don't know if this babysitting thing is for me. She cried when I changed her diaper and she didn't seem to like the idea of falling asleep." he told me, rubbing his eyes.

"What? Uncle Sami couldn't handle it..." I joked with him, shoving my elbow into him as I did.

"Shit, Jon...I guess the babysitting duties should just be left to you." he laughed. "That was a lot more work than I thought it would be..."

"No shit." I told him, shooting him a wide eyed look.

"Bitches, man. Bitches..."

"Oh, stop." I rolled my eyes at Sami, his attempt at a joke not exactly landing very well with me.  
"I gotta go to bed. I'm done." he told me, standing up.

"You spend like, three hours babysitting and you're out of it for the night?" I asked him as I laughed at him.

"Hey...I told you...I'm not cut out for this gig. Anyway...you don't need me hanging around..." Sami turned around and winked at me before heading to his bedroom for the night.

* * *

"So...that was really the first time you'd had sex in more than two years...last night...? Shit, Jon..." Colby was still discussing with me the fact that he didn't believe that when we'd been together last night was the first time I'd been intimate with anyone for a long time.

"You know it might seem unbelievable but it's the truth. Let me tell you, sometimes it wasn't so easy." Colby kicked off his shoes and hopped on my bed with me, quickly making himself comfortable. "I told you, I had some fucked up dreams about us during that time. You would always magically appear in my dreams, like 'poof' and nine times out of ten those dreams with us turned sexual."

"Yeah?" Colby propped himself up on his elbow when the word "sexual" came out of my mouth. "What kinds of dreams did you have? Tell me?"

"All kinds, really. The majority of them would start out with me doing some sort of mundane real life task in my dream and then all of a sudden you'd pop up. I'd be taking a shower, walking Sami's dog, talking to my psychiatrist..." I stopped explaining to him at the sound of his laughter. "Trust me...it wasn't that funny..."

"Sorry. Sorry. I don't even know why I started laughing..." he told me, covering his mouth. "We would have sex then, when I arrived in your dreams?"  
"See, the thing of it was we would normally just kiss or engage in foreplay. It almost never went all the way. Either I would end up ejaculating prematurely in the dream and I'd wake up covered in cum or I'd ejaculate for real causing me to wake up and be pulled away from the dream where you and I were making out or jerking each other off or something...either way I'd wake up wet." I sighed.

"We never fucked?" Colby asked me, surprisingly interested in finding out about our dream love life that he'd missed out on during his absence in my life.

"Only a few times. Those dreams were very rare. I only remember a couple of them." I told him, smiling as I glanced towards him. His face was relaxed and his expression was blank. He seemed content to lounge on my bed and listen to me talk to him about my old dreams centered around us.

"Tell me."

"Well...the one that sticks out the most to me is one where we got rough. Like, rough like we used to in the beginning. I gotta tell you, this dream I'm about to share with you seemed so real. It felt so real in fact that I'd think of it after I had it many times in order to jerk off." I confessed, the expression on Colby's face changing a bit with those words.

"Really?"

"Really. Were in some random, cookie cutter hotel room and we had hot, dirty, rough sex with each other." I explained to him, his eyes narrowing as I went into greater details about the dream. "You were into it, so that turned me on even more. It was like this movie replaying through my mind of every single dirty, kinky thing we'd ever actually done in real life and it just played on a loop, over and over again. I pulled on your hair and you grinned this wickedly slutty grin. You sucked my cock while down on your knees in front of me with your hands tied behind your back. I left long marks across your shoulders with my fingernails while I fucked you. I remember thinking that they resembled cat scratches, the way I'd used my nails to dig at your skin while I was inside of you." Without even realizing it my cock began to stir in my jeans, pressing against the inside of my zipper as I recalled in a harsh whisper my old dream about Colby.

"Jon. Can I be honest with you?" Colby asked me when I'd finished my story. "Listening to you tell me about your dream just now turned me on beyond belief." Colby pulled my hand over towards his groin as he told me those words, placing my palm against the front of his pants where his cock was strained against the material just as mine currently was. When my hand made contact with the stiffness in his pants I took in a deep breath and held it in for what seemed like forever as he began talking again. "I told you earlier today how much different I thought you were now compared to who you were back then. There's one thing that I want to know, though..."

"What?" I asked him softly, Colby's face coming closer to mine as I finally remembered I had to breathe.

"Does the Jon you just described from your dream still exist or has he gone away?" Colby asked me while sneaking his fingers up the bottom of my shirt. I understood what he was asking me immediately. "You know...that Jon from the beginning. The Jon who thought nothing of spanking me until my ass was raw or tying me up. The man who was able to fuck me until I couldn't stand up straight, the one who would pluck and bite at my nipples until they were rendered numb, the man who marked my flesh with scars that I wear so proudly now...is that Jon still here?"

"If you're asking me what I think you're asking me, Colby..."

"You know what I'm asking you. Hell, I don't even think I should have to ask you. You know what I want. Tonight I want that old Jon. If there was one thing I would honestly tell you I'd like to keep about the old you, it'd be the way you always understood what I wanted...what I needed sexually. The thing that I always loved about our sex life when it was at its height, when it was at its best...was that you knew. You knew. You gave me just the right mixture. You knew when it was appropriate to make love to me, to go slowly and be attentive. You also knew when it was the right time to dominate me, to make me scream, to use me or beat me. It was like black and white. I loved that."

Hearing Colby tell me with such fervor about the fond memories he held of our sex life made me both turned on and flattered at the same time. My memories weren't so different from his. I recalled many nights when I would try my best to read him, to be in tune with his mood and his state of mind so I could judge how to play things. When the time was right we'd make love to each other, both of us delighting in the slow buildup and the tender way that we appreciated each other in those moments, the resulting orgasms we both had more intense for having taken our time. When the time was right we would play things a little rougher, the role of the dominant one going to me and submissive going to Colby. Over time I learned more and more what Colby liked. He enjoyed it when pain was included in our sex, always getting more turned on by the addition of nipple clamps or the use of my hand across his throat as I fucked him senseless. He appreciated the long spanking sessions I engaged him in, the results of my hand striking his ass repeatedly showing across his plump, round bottom in the days that followed. Most of all he loved to submit to me. More than the pain he liked to relinquish control to me. I was happy to accept, the role of the dominant man in the bedroom was one that I was accustomed to and comfortable with.

Best of all about our former sex life was the balance that we achieved, exactly as Colby had just told me, the black and the white. Neither could have existed without the other. The times when we engaged in rough play made us appreciate the love-making sessions more and vice versa. Up until the last few months we were together, our sex life was strong. Now Colby was laying in my bed with me once again, asking me if I could still give him that. He was requesting the man who he'd once had as his dominant lover, I knew it.

"That's what I need tonight, Jon. I need you to be like you used to be. What I need is for you to pull my hair, grab my ass, pin my arms up over the top of my head and fuck me like there's no tomorrow. Do you think you can do that for me?" Colby slowly explained all of this to me as he closed in on my lips, all the while moving my open hand over the front of his pants where his cock had grown even harder now. "Jon? I need you to take me there again, please? It's been a long time..." His request made me swallow hard. Nothing made things more difficult than when Colby used the word 'please'. He knew when he uttered that word I was rendered powerless. Hearing him speak one little word made my entire world turn upside down and when he said it to me there was no way for me to deny him whatever request it was he happened to make. This time was no different. "Please?" he asked me one last time, his eyes closed. His lips found mine and within a matter of seconds it was as though a switch had been flipped inside of both of us once they met.

With one swift motion I was on top of him, my hard kisses bruising his lips as I assaulted him with unbridled intensity. I sucked on his full bottom lip, drawing it between both of my lips with great suction as I pulled on it, tasting him. My tongue darted against his over and over again, both of us finding it considerably more difficult to breathe as we engaged each other, neither one of us bothering to stop long enough to take a good, long breath.

As I continued our kiss, I reached between us, sneaking my hands up his shirt. "You need me? Just like you used to, huh? This is what you've missed?" I asked him with half lidded eyes as I found the sweet, raised skin of his nipples, pressing them between my fingers and rotating them as I asked him what he wanted. "So you want me to make it feel like it used to, huh?" I asked him slowly as I tweaked each nipple with my forefinger and thumb, pulling at the small nub of sensitive flesh with each turn of my fingertips. With every manipulation my fingers made Colby rewarded me by moving his hips against mine in a slow, easy rhythm until I was pleased to find that we were both fully hard.

As I nipped gently against the fattest part of his bottom lip with my teeth, Colby moved his hands down to my hips. He bucked his hips up off of the bed as he urged me to rotate my hips against his, resulting in the most electric friction between us. "Is this what you like? Feeling your hard cock rubbing against mine from behind the confines of our clothes? You know what I need? I need you out of those clothes, now." I moved from my spot on top of him, giving him a shove towards the end of the bed. "Strip."

Colby flashed me a knowing grin as he reached for the bottom of his shirt. "Slowly...don't you dare go too fast. How good of a job I think you do is going to decide what happens next..." I said to him as I watched him. Colby didn't say a word as he lifted his arms over his head and pulled his shirt up, tossing it towards me after he'd removed it. I clutched the little souvenir between my hands, pressing it into a ball and bringing it up to my face, taking a smell of it and grinning as I inhaled his scent. I watched, mesmerized as his belt came off next. His hands traveled down to the top of his pants and I reminded him of how I wanted him to move. "Slowly."

After taking his time to remove his pants, just as I'd requested, he was left standing before me in just his boxers. This was the first time in forever that I'd had the opportunity to take a good, long look at Colby and his bare body. While I'd seen glimpses every now and then and had been able to enjoy it again last night while we made love, this felt different. Looking him up and down now brought back memories of the first time that I'd asked him to shed his clothing for me. The time between that moment and this one seemed like nothing more than a blur as I thought about it, staring at Colby's form in front of me, mostly nude.

As he extricated his cock from the confines of his boxers I watched with an abundance of delectation and amusement. His cock was fully hard now, jutting upwards so that it resembled an arrow pointing towards his toned stomach. A devilish grin spread across my face as Colby approached me. "How did I do?" he asked me, his hands on my shoulders.

"That was good. You look beautiful like this, you know that? I've always thought that. You've been beautiful since day one. Let your hair down for me." Colby reached behind his head and unfastened the loop that held his dark hair securely in place. Long curls of black hair came loose as he did, soft sections of it falling over his shoulders as he shook it loose. I began to imagine what it would feel like to clench my fist into that hair once again as I looked up at him. "That's better." I told him, my grin even wider. "Where to start though...?" My hand moved up his body and across the smooth skin before me, the sensation of his warmth on my fingertips sending a jolt down my body, directly to my cock. "Why don't I start with that gorgeous ass of yours?" I asked him as I reached around his body, grabbing him with both hands. "Lay on the bed, on your stomach."

As Colby moved towards my bed I found the belt he'd just removed. I positioned him the way I wanted him, his arms stretched out over his head and his body flat against the mattress. I crawled over his body using small and precise movements. I pulled his arms back and secured his hands together. Using Colby's belt I wrapped it around his wrists, fastening it and making sure it was good and tight. He wasn't going to need use of his hands when he had mine available to do all the work for him.

"You really do have the nicest ass, Colby. I always felt like I was a lucky man when I was able to say it was mine. What do you think, pretty baby? You think maybe I could call it mine again one day?" I asked him as my hands massaged the soft yet muscular cheeks of his ass.

"Maybe. If you play your cards right, that is." he told me, his answer sounding both serious and playful at the same time. I thought I could see the smallest grin on his face as I glanced over. No matter if his answer was meant to be sarcastic or honest, he was still going to get the same treatment.

I raised my hand up high, almost to my face. When I brought it down it was in a fast motion, my hand connecting with his ass and making the most delicious slapping sound echo through the room. "That wasn't the answer I was looking for." I teased him as I moved my hand across the rosy spot on his ass where my hand had just made contact. Without hesitation I gave him a matching slap across the other side of his bottom, a slight sting coursing through my hand as I slapped him. "You can tell you've worked hard to keep your ass so beautiful. It's in great shape. Just perfect for spanking, so round and ripe..." I commented as I once again returned to rubbing my hands across his ass. "Let's try again. You think the day will come when I can say that this ass is mine? I mean all mine. Mine and only mine, it'll belong to me once again."

"I don't know. It'll take a lot of work, Jon." he told me, the same playful tone in his voice present yet again as he answered me this time. My dick hardened as I stared down at him, pleased that he'd caught on to the type of game I wanted to play with him.

This time I brought my hand up even higher, over my head. He earned two slaps to each side of his ass for that answer. "You know, it would be worth the work." I quipped, kneading his ass with both of my hands. "But if you're not willing to give me the chance I think I've earned, then what's the point in putting in any of that work?" I asked him. " So you tell me right here and right now..." I began as I pulled him up so that he rested on his hands and knees. "...if you're going to let me be part of your life. I need you, in every way possible. You have to trust me and give yourself to me fully. Tell me you can. Just give me the right answer, Colby."

"Yes."

"I don't think I heard you." I told him before striking his ass once again with my open hand. "Tell me."

"You have me. You know I need you, please..." he answered me in short breaths as I moved my hands in big circles across his ass, spreading his cheeks apart and then pressing them back together as I did. Colby's cock moved along with each one of my motions, swinging while at full attention.

"Good. That's what I want to hear." I told him, a warmth spreading through my body as I reached down to his hard cock. His cock was already leaking a few drops of sticky pre-cum and I let it slide across my fingers. I brought my hand to my mouth and slowly licked away the taste of him as he watched me from over his shoulder. When I was sure I'd gotten all of it, I returned my now slick hand to his cock and stroked him up and down several times, short moans escaping his lips as I did so.

I flipped him over so that his back was on the bed and gazed down lovingly at his cock. As I moved my hands up his body once again I found his stomach and upper body wet with sweat. As I leaned over his body the heat that came off of him was powerful and I dipped my head down to the little hollow of his neck, licking away the small line of sweat that had collected there. When I noticed that sweat was collecting at my forehead as well, I kissed my lover and asked him "Hot?"

"Yeah." he whispered to me. My windows were wide open and the fan was going beside the bed, but it did little more than circulate the hot air around the room. The combination of our body temperatures rising on account of the stimulation and the fact that it was summertime and humidity was at an all time high made both of us hot.

"Stay here." I instructed him as I left the room, an idea coming to me for a way we could both cool off while I continued to engage in foreplay with him. I returned in record time with a tall glass of ice and set it down on the table by my bed. "This should help." I told him with a smile as I reached inside of the glass anEad retrieved a single piece of ice. It started to melt away gradually with the touch of my fingers, a small trail of cold water flowing down my hand. I used the first little piece of frozen liquid on his lips. I held on to it as hard as I could and traced it along the lines of his bottom lip first, leaving behind a shiny, cold trail of moisture as I did. When it was mostly melted I leaned over and stole a few wet, cool kisses from his lips before I fished out another little cube of ice from the glass. His body twisted and wiggled as I made contact with his neck. Again I used the little piece of ice in my grasp to make lines across his body, leaving his collarbone, shoulders, and neck wet with a mixture of melted ice and sweat. "Does that feel better?" I asked him sweetly between licks as I moved my tongue over his neck, tasting the mixture of cool water and the salt of his sweat.

"You just love to tease me, don't you?" he asked as he grinned over at me.

"You love it." I reminded him as I chose yet another cube from the glass. This one I put to work on his nipples. I teased each one of his little nubs until they stood up at attention, surrounded by a small pool of melted ice when I was finished. I took a few little bites at each one of them before I focused my attention on his perfect stomach. I pressed the ice flat against my hand and let it slide slowly down his body as it melted between my palm and his flesh. The sensation of the cold ice as it became liquid in my grasp was divine and I could tell with just one glance at Colby's face that he was lost in the feeling as well. I continued to tease him with the little roughly shaped squares of frozen water and I was rewarded with small moans and gasps as Colby raised his hips up little by little off the bed with each manipulation of the ice against his bare body, all the while a satisfied grin plastered across my face.

Finally I traveled down to his hips, slowly but surely gliding the ice along the dents there and along the outline of his tattoo. "Tell me, does this feel good?" I asked Colby, a small trickle of water sliding down my fingers as I glanced up at him.

"Yes." he answered me, a breathless sigh leaving him as he uttered the affirmative response I was looking for.

"You need me, don't you?" I asked him softly. "You need this. It's been missing from your life for so long now, you know it and I know it. This is what's right. It could be this way all the time if you'll just let me." With that I took another small piece of ice between my teeth and ducked my head down, using it to trace long lines over his inner thighs with it in my mouth. The cool water slowly ran down his leg and over my chin as well as I teased him some more, enjoying the little gasps he let out as I hit each new spot with the sharply cold sensation of the ice on his skin.

"Jon..." he moaned out towards me, his head raised off of the bed so that he could look down at me. "I need you."

With those words from Colby I quickly took what was left of the ice in my mouth and let it melt against my tongue. "Not as much as I need you right now. Get up."

Colby did as I told him with some help from me. I guided him down to his knees before me and watched the intensity in his eyes as it grew while he watched me disrobe. I shed my shirt and pants in short order and stood in front of him, my cock delightfully close to his mouth. My hand caught all of his long hair in one quick swoop and I gathered it up in my hand, balling it in my fist. I pulled on it slowly until I couldn't wrap it around my fist any more and then pulled on it, Colby's head jerking up and his eyes meeting with mine. "Is this what you wanted? This is what you were talking about, what you were asking for?"

"Fuck, yes." he answered me, trying to nod but finding that he was unable to because of the firm grip I had on his hair.

"Shit, Colby...this is just how you looked in my dream. Do you know how many times I sat up in bed, fucking unable to sleep and restless...I used to think about you this way to get off, you know that? I knew that either I imagined you down on your knees, blowing me while I was awake or I could just wait until I was asleep and you'd certainly visit me there. Either way, the same result. More than seeing you in my dreams, I liked to jack off while thinking about you this way, submitting to me. You look so damn beautiful, you know that..."

Colby gazed up at me with fire in those dark eyes of his, the desire he felt clearly evident as he listened to me talk to him. He stared at me, caught in my words as he slowly stuck his tongue out and moved it over his lips. That sent me over the proverbial edge, watching him lick his lips that way. I let out a small laugh and moved closer, the tip of my hard cock almost touching his lips. "You know what you're doing."

Colby dared to dart his tongue out once again, this time using it to make contact with my cock's head. I could almost hear him telling, begging me "please" even though no words were coming out of his mouth. I was sure he was thinking it. As I inched closer to him he took me in his mouth, my hand tugging on his black hair even harder as I gained entry into the warmth of his mouth. I took full advantage of the control I had over him down on his knees with his hands secured behind his back. My right hand remained in his long hair and my left rested on his shoulder, my grip there matching the one I had on his hair as he sucked away at my cock like an expert. My hips moved along with his actions, my cock sliding just a little bit further down his throat each time they rocked back and forth. His small whimpers of pleasure as he took my dick in and out of his mouth felt sweet as they reverberated along the head of my cock with each deep thrust. When I felt as though my orgasm was just a little too close I stopped him and pulled away, creating the most dirty popping sound when my cock left the suction of his mouth.

"On the bed. On your knees." I instructed him as I pointed towards the bed. He looked so fucking gorgeous as he moved slowly to the bed, doing just as I'd told him. He did exactly as I said. Colby waited for me at the middle of the bed, resting there on his knees while I got out the lubricant. Once my cock was good and slick I joined him on my bed. I moved my body down so that I was alongside him, reaching over and gripping his ass in my hands once again. I gave him another tight squeeze and then moved my grip to his hips, pulling him towards me. Colby moved over my body so that he straddled me and I let out a small sigh as I stared down at my cock, twitching as it rested just inches from his tight asshole. "Slowly...slowly." I ordered him when he greedily began to move his ass down so that he could take me inside of him. "Go slowly until the time is right or I tell you otherwise...whichever comes first."

Colby once again followed my instructions and eased down on my cock, putting on quite a show for me as I watched each inch of my stiff cock as it disappeared inside of him. When I was finally all the way inside of him and his ass met with my groin Colby arched his back and allowed his head to fall back slowly, once again giving me perfect access to that long head of hair he possessed. I pulled on his long curls for the second time as I once again reminded him of how I wanted him to proceed. "Slowly." Colby's hips moved in small circles at first, my cock brushing against his prostate from the get-go, small moans of pleasure coming out of him with every little movement he made. Then he began to move up and down on my length just as I'd told him, in a slow and lazy manner. All I wanted to do was build us both up to a monumental orgasm by making things progress slowly. As much as I wanted to lift my ass up off the bed and pound into Colby's sweet, round ass I held back. That moment would present itself in due time. Until then I was content to just watch as he continued to ride my dick, the soft sound that was made each time that Colby's ass met with my groin turning me on while I pulled on his hair. We continued that way for a long time, falling into a slow rhythm that consisted of Colby moving his hips and me thrusting just enough to match his movements. His throaty moans and long sighs told me when he was ready for more.

Another wicked grin spread across my face as I let go of his hair and moved my hands to his forearms. "You want more?" I inquired as I held his arms. "You need more?"

"Yes."

"Let me hear you say it. You gotta say it..." I reminded him, fully aware he understood what I wanted him to tell me so that we could proceed.

"Please, Jon...please..." he whimpered out, never missing a beat as his hips continued to rock against me.

"That's good, pretty baby...that's real good. It's perfect..." I told him. I alternated between pulling on his bound hands and arms and gripping his hips as I picked up the pace, Colby struggling to keep up with me at first. He caught up with me shortly and we fell into a fast paced, hard fucking session that brought out of Colby carnal moans and needy whimpers, my name leaving his lips more times than I could possibly count. His ass slapped against me with every thrust and motion we made together. From the sounds of his moans he'd already willed his orgasm to come and my only regret about fucking him this way was that I couldn't see that wonderful cock of his from my vantage point. As my own orgasm approached I pulled on his arms, Colby's shoulders moving back as I did, his hair fanned out over his back. I came inside of him, my cock straining and spurting around the tightness of his ass. He collapsed down against the bed, a spent and sweaty mess. After I'd unbuckled his belt and freed his hands we both curled up together right there at the foot of the bed and soon fell asleep in that very spot where we remained for the rest of the night.

When morning came the sunlight hit my face and it made me alert immediately, a warm feeling rising up from the pit of my stomach as I began to stir and realized that Colby was still here with me. This time it wasn't a dream. He looked more beautiful than ever as he slept there peacefully, his hands clenched close to his face and his black curls falling over the end of the bed. I woke him up and pulled him off of the bed, his eyes only half open as I took his hand and led him towards the shower. We had just enough time to take a shower together before Lucy woke up for the day and I knew it.

This overwhelming feeling of warmth swallowed me as I stood in my shower and soaped up my hands. I knew it wasn't because of the hot water. It was because of Colby. In contrast to the night before, this morning I was nothing but gentle and soft with him. I began by soaping up his body and spending a long time kissing him, my soapy hands moving all over his naked body as our mouths played together. I gave him a slow and sultry blowjob while he stood underneath the constant stream of hot water. Every now and then while I sucked on his cock I'd steal a quick glance up at him, a look of sheer love and gratitude on his face as I pleasured him. We fucked slowly in the shower, Colby's legs wrapped around my waist and his back pressed to the wall. I never once closed my eyes and neither did he while we made love, the heated words and soft moans between us sounding like music to my ears as I lost myself in everything about his man that I loved so much.

* * *

Late that morning I stood at my front door and secured Lucy in her car seat as Colby lugged his bags down the corridor. It was time for them to say goodbye to me once again but this time was different. For the first time since we'd reconnected I wasn't at all afraid he might not see me again once he left me. This time I knew that we'd be together again soon. We kissed each other goodbye and I promised to call him after the next round of Dragon Gate shows so that we could figure out a weekend when I'd be able to come to Iowa for our next visit.

"_All my bags are packed I'm ready to go._

_I'm standing here outside your door. _

_I hate to wake you up to say goodbye._

_But the dawn is breaking it's early morn,_

_the taxi's waiting he's blowin' his horn._

_Already I'm so lonesome I could die._

_So kiss me and smile for me._

_Tell me that you'll wait for me._

_Hold me like you'll never let me go._

_'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again._

_Oh baby I hate to go."_

"I'll see you again soon, Lucy." I told her as I smiled down at her. She mimicked my facial expression and gave me a cute smile and a little coo as she reached up for me with her left hand. I kissed her forehead and gave her little hand one last squeeze before I picked her car seat up and helped Colby put her in the backseat.

"I'm going to miss you. I hate to go." he told me as he reached for my hand.

"I know. I'll be seeing you soon. You know that. Look...what's done is done. Maybe we can start over, maybe we can't. Like I told you last night...it's worth trying. You think so?"

"Yeah. I do."

"_There's so many times I've let you down._

_So many ties I've played around. _

_I tell you now they don't mean a thing._

_Every place I go I'll think of you._

_Every song I sing I'll sing for you. _

_Now the time has come for me to leave you._

_One more time let me kiss you._

_Close your eyes and I'll be on my way._

_Dream about the days to come,_

_when I won't have to leave alone._

_About the times when I won't have to say,_

_Kiss me and smile for me._

_Tell me that you'll wait for me._

_Hold me like you'll never let me go._

_'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane. _

_I don't know when I'll be back again. _

_Oh baby, I hate to go."_

I stood outside of Colby's rental car and shared with him one last long goodbye kiss before he left. He told me how much he loved me and how he'd miss me before pulling out of my driveway, taking both the man I loved and the little girl I loved away from me. My heart was finally at peace, though. I knew it wouldn't be long until we were together again. This time I wasn't going to let him go.


	8. You (Part One)

Author's note: Hello lovelies. I appreciate every one of you because you're still reading and you take time out of your lives to do so. Thank you! Here's the plan, man. I think that there will be three more chapters of the story. What I'm planning on trying to do is to wrap everything up the way I see it happening in my mind, the last three chapters of this story will be made up of selected scenes from the life that our boys live together over the years. I'm going to go in chronological order and things will jump forward a couple of months or years here and there, so I'll do my best to keep things separated. I want to wrap this up and I'm hoping that these last few chapters will come out faster than some other chapters before it, I've had this ending in my mind for some time now but sometimes getting here was hard. But, here we are. There will be more journal entries in this chapter. They'll be in _italics. _One song in this chapter, "You" by Evanescence. That song goes along with all of the last three chapters of this story. Enjoy!

* * *

November 2016

"That's the last of it?" Colby asked me as he let a load of boxes slowly slide out of his grip and hit the floor.

"Yep. That does it. I'm here. I'm all the way in, baby. You can't get rid of me now." I flashed a small grin his way. Colby rewarded me with a shake of his head and a little smile before he left the room.

This moment had been the one I'd been waiting for, hoping for. Colby and I were living together in his Iowa home, along with little Lucy of course. This was a big decision and one that we both put a ton of thought into. In the end I left it up to my lover to decide when it would be the right time for us to finally do this, to live together. Sure, while we dated the first time we practically lived together between the days we spent traveling and rooming together combined with all of the time we shared when we weren't on the road, whether at his house or mine. Now things were different, much different.

That June day when Colby left my house in Cincinnati was the beginning of something for us and it was fresh and new. Over the weeks and months that passed we became closer as we shared short visits in both cities, often for just two days or maybe three if the opportunity presented itself. Between shows with Dragon Gate I traveled to Iowa and enjoyed the little visits I shared with both Lucy and Colby. As time passed we started to talk more seriously about living together and more importantly, which city we would reside in. I came to the conclusion that there was nothing left for me in Ohio now that Sami was living down in Florida working for WWE in the developmental program, so I told Colby that when he was ready, I would come to live with him, if he would have me. Weeks passed before he agreed and even though deep in my heart I knew he wouldn't refuse, it was still the longest wait of my life.

"What are you doing?" Colby asked from behind me, the sound of his voice accompanied by Lucy's little cooing sounds.

"Nothing. Just thinking, that's all." I told him truthfully. I sat down on a pile of boxes and reached out for the little girl in Colby's arms. "Gimme that baby." I smiled over at her as she wrapped her little arms around my neck and giggled. Her first birthday was coming up fast and I was overjoyed to think that I'd be here to share it with her. Not one day passed that I didn't think to myself that this life with both of them was more than I deserved, but I'd never let it show in front of them. For the two of them I swallowed down any insecurity, any doubt. Our life together as a little family would be nothing but happy and safe, this little girl was more than worthy of it and considering all I'd put Colby through over the years, he deserved it as well. I made a silent promise that day as I sat in our bedroom holding Lucy against my chest and staring at Colby that our lives would always be beautiful together, come hell or high water. For them, I would do anything. They were my life now.

Later on that night after both of them had fallen asleep I made my way downstairs to the kitchen in very small steps. I didn't want to risk either one of them hearing me and waking up. I remembered that Colby had left Lucy's journal on the kitchen counter and I went right for it, already aware of what I wanted to write in it. The last time I'd been able to sneak a peek at it had been about a month ago and since then Colby had filled up nearly four new pages. The number two pencil he used to write with was worn down at least two inches from when he'd first started and I let out a short sigh as I recalled why he continued to use that pencil instead of getting a pen, as I'd suggested. "Because it's the same one she used, Jon. She used it for that first page, the only page she'd ever get to write on...so I keep on using it. I can't stop."

I flipped through the crinkled pages and found the next empty one. The last time I'd scribbled something down in here had been that second to last day I visited Colby in Florida. Many more words were down on the pages since then and I'd been thinking all day about making another contribution of my own.

"_Today was a good day, little girl. It's official now. I live here. This day is a happy one because now I can spend every day with you and your dad. No more having to wait to see you guys again, no more fleeting visits. From this day on we'll be a little family together. _

_You and your father mean more to me than words can properly express because it goes beyond love for me. You're too young now to understand the history I have with your dad but one day I hope I'll get to tell you about some of it with a smile on my face. He's given me more chances than anyone else ever has and quite honestly, more than I think I rightfully deserve. Still, I'm thankful and I accept you both and I'm eager to have you both as part of my life, permanently. _

_I guess instead of gushing about how I feel I should tell you about YOU, that's what this thing is supposed to be for, after all. Daddy probably already wrote down some of these things in here but I don't care. This is my version of the story. You are a beautiful little girl. You have the sweetest little laugh and you smile just like your dad. You can say about six words now and you started walking about a month ago, so I think you're pretty smart. You like to play peek-a-boo with me and I have no idea how you enjoy it so much, given that you have to look at my crazy old face the whole time. _

_The future is bright for all three of us and in my mind I'm the luckiest man in the world because I get to share my life with the two of you from here on. Your life is going to be one that is full of love, laughter, and positive things. My childhood wasn't the best. From the moment I started to grow close to you and to your dad again I made one promise. That if I was ever in a position where I played a major part in your life, if I ever found myself with your dad again...that I would make sure your childhood was the opposite of mine. I promise you that. I love you, little girl. Our life starts tomorrow. Years from now we'll read this and we'll cry or smile or laugh or whatever...that makes it all worth it. The future. That's all I care about. Our future."_

* * *

Christmas 2016

"Fucking hell..." I cursed under my breath as I watched my windshield wipers work in double overtime, trying to brush away all of the snow. It was the 23rd of December and here I was out in the beginning of a winter storm getting a Douglas Fir for Colby. He insisted that we have a real tree for our home, mostly because it was the first year that all three of us would be together at Christmas. We both knew that Lucy was far too young to remember any of this, but he still badgered me about going to the tree farm until I gave in. Despite possessing some rather Grinch-like qualities that I wasn't ashamed to admit to, I still had a soft spot for Christmas. All Colby had to do was give me a little pout and a tiny frown and I was putting my coat and gloves on before I even knew it. Even though the snow was coming down fast and I was having a hard time steadying the car as the wind whipped against it I still couldn't help but get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my gut at the thought of what expression Colby would have on his face when I arrived home and showed him this monster of a tree that I bought for us.

"THERE SHE IS!" I exclaimed triumphantly as I dropped the massive Fir tree down on the kitchen floor.

"Jon?!" Colby yelled at me and Lucy let out a loud, excited scream as they both stared at the huge tree on the floor. It must have been nearly seven feet tall and it was still lightly dusted in fresh snow even though I'd done my best to shake most of it off before I brought it inside. "That's not where the tree goes..."

"I got it this far. I hauled the fuc..." I began to swear but Colby shot me a mean look and I remembered how he'd been riding my ass lately about cutting back on my swearing, for Lucy's sake. "...the freaking thing into the house. It weighs a ton, by the way. And those needles are sharp. You might need to check me for them later...I think I got some where I didn't mean to..."

"Sheesh, Jon...that's a little bigger than I was expecting." Colby told me as he stood before me, his hands on his hips and his eyes locked on the massive tree on the floor. "Well...let's set it up."

"Grab the top of her, let's carry her into the living room."

I had no idea how the entire task of decorating the tree I'd just brought home had fallen on my shoulders, but suddenly I found myself untangling and testing strands of lights as though I was some sort of grumpy old man. "I feel as though I look like Christmas just threw up all over me? I'm not far from the mark...am I?" I asked Colby, two strands of lights wrapped around my arm in knots now much worse than they'd been when I started this tedious task of unraveling them.

"I'm trying my best to keep my laughter in..." Colby told me.

"Thanks..." Colby sat on the couch with Lucy on his lap, just lounging with his daughter in an effort to get her to wind down for bedtime. We both wanted her to sleep well tonight because tomorrow was going to be a big day. We had plans to go to visit Colby's family for most of the day to celebrate Christmas a little early. All I could really think about though was what I planned on giving Colby for a gift tomorrow night when we got home. I was so excited that I felt almost like a small child instead of a grown man.

"She's starting to get sleepy. I'll help you in a minute."

"I got it." I sighed as I began to wrap the strands of lights around the giant tree. "At least it smells good." I laughed as I made my way around the back to string up more lights.

"It smells like Christmas." Colby smiled. "I like it. I still can't believe you really went out and got an actual tree, Jon. Seriously...I thought when you left you'd come home with a tree in a box. You really surprised me." he told me as he lightly stroked the top of Lucy's head.

I moved away from the tree for just a minute and sat down beside them on the couch. "You told me this was what you wanted." I reminded him as I gestured over at the corner of the room near the fireplace where we'd set up the tree. "You tell me you want something and I get it for you. Get used to it." I smiled. I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss before I returned to my work.

Once I'd adorned the Fir with more lights than could possibly have been deemed necessary and Colby had put Lucy in bed for the night, the two of us sprawled out together on the couch and watched as the lights blinked back and forth in no certain order. "I gotta get up, Jon. I think I'm going to have a seizure if I watch this any longer." Colby joked as he moved away from me and headed for the kitchen.  
"You're welcome." I yelled at him as I tossed a pillow in his direction.

"I love you." he called out to me from the kitchen. I smiled and stretched out as much as I could, happy with myself.

A few coffee mugs filled with warm cider and spiced rum later and Colby was fast asleep beside me on the couch. The sight of him made me smile, all wrapped up in a tight ball underneath his favorite red plaid blanket, the one he used to keep warm when he watched television late at night. A slight buzz from a few drinks was enough to make Colby doze off any day of the week. He'd made a few of the drinks for both of us but I only sipped away at my first cup, the second one he'd brought me was still sitting on the coffee table, now cold. I pulled the blanket up over him enough to cover his shoulders and I made my way to the pantry where I'd been hiding my gift for him. I'd cleverly stashed it behind my boxes of protein bars, the variety that I loved and Colby wouldn't touch. It was one of few places in the house that I knew he wouldn't look.

As I slipped the papers inside of the envelope and took a few minutes to write down some meaningful words inside of the small card I'd included I couldn't help but feel like I myself was a small child at Christmas. The thought of what kind of look Colby would have on his face when he opened this gift was enough to make a giddy smile spread over my face. "I can't wait." I said softly as I sealed up the envelope and returned it to my hiding place.

December 24th

After a long day spent with Colby's family we finally returned home and kept Lucy awake long enough to let her try to open up a few of her presents. Colby muttered on and on about Santa as she ripped away at the paper trappings of the boxes. Even though he knew she wasn't comprehending any of what he was telling her about the magical man who delivered gifts to children all around the world, he continued trying to fill her head with the picture. She tore carelessly away at the paper I'd wrapped around her gift, a large stuffed bear. With help from Colby and I she finally got the bear out of the package and as she hugged it to her little body, her face lit up happily. The sight of it made me even happier.

Only a few presents in she began to nod off on my lap. We decided we'd have to save the rest for morning and told her goodnight as we tucked her in upstairs. Colby made sure to plug in the small fake Christmas tree on the side table in her room before he left, the little lights shining out in the darkness and serving as a very festive nightlight. When I suggested that we both go back downstairs so that I could give him his gift the cutest grin spread over his features and he wrapped his arm around me as he told me "I'd like that.".

"What is it?" Colby asked me as he stared down at the envelope in his hands.

"Santa brought it. Open it." I smiled. My seat on the floor was the perfect view. I had a clear look at Colby's face from where he sat just in front of the fireplace.

Colby looked over at me for a long time before he finally shoved his finger between the folded over edge of the envelope and ripped it apart. He slowly removed the contents, first looking at the card and then at the papers. "Read the papers first." I told him.

Colby shuffled through the stack of nearly twelve printed pages with a very stern look on his face, his eyes moved quickly and his forehead wrinkled as he read through the pages. "What is this?" he asked me softly. "It's your contract?"

"Yeah. It's my new contract." I smiled.

"New?" His head shot up and he met my stare, his eyes wide. "You mean you're going back?" he smiled at me and we stared at each other for several moments, the news sinking in for both of us.

"I'm going back. Remember that last Dragon Gate show I left for? I lied. I didn't go to that show because there was no show. I met with Paul. I'm coming back." I explained to him. "I return at the Royal Rumble. How fucking exciting is that?"

"Shit!" Colby said excitedly, raising his voice as he slowly made his way over to me. "I'm so happy for you, Jon."

"You have to read the card next." I told him as I wrapped my arm around his shoulder.

"Why? What's in the card?"

"Read it out loud for me." I instructed.

"Colby, by now you've figured out that I've signed a new contract and I'll be making my triumphant return to WWE action shortly. You helped me make this happen and I cannot express to you how much it means to me or how much I appreciate it. I love you and you mean the world to me. You've given me a second chance and just like you, so has the WWE. I'm forever grateful for both opportunities. My return comes with but one condition and it all hinges on you. In order for me to return I need you to make me a promise. You have to promise me that you'll come with me. I know you're hesitant to leave Lucy behind while we travel, but we can find a nanny. We can travel with her from time to time. There is a way, if this is what we truly want to do. I want to go back. I can't do so if you don't promise me you'll come with me. I need you there with me. We'll find a way. Please tell me that you can do this for me?" Colby sat in silence when he finished reading what I'd scribbled down in his card. He folded it back over time and time again as he sat there beside me.

"Look, I know it may seem like I'm asking you a lot, but..."

"No. I understand." he interrupted me, his eyes low. "I understand."

"We'll travel with her and I'm sure that Roman wouldn't mind watching her while we wrestle or some of the other guys...lots of them bring their children out on the road. Roman brought his daughter all the time remember?" I slowly began to try to express to Colby how important it was that he come back along with me and that it would be fine to bring little Lucy with us. His eyes darted back and forth between the stack of papers in his hands and my face as I kept talking to him and trying to push him in the right direction.

"You really think it would be so easy?" he asked me once I'd finished my side of the argument. "I mean, she's just a baby, Jon. I don't know."

I frowned as I glanced down at my contract, tight in Colby's grasp as the wheels in his head turned around in circles. "I know that you're hesitant. You wouldn't want to leave her behind and I understand that. You'd feel guilty. That's what this is about, really. It's not that you're scared to come back to wrestling or that you don't want to either. I know what this is about. It's about her. Look, I know you want to come back to wrestling just as much as I do. We talked about this just last week. I saw that light in your eyes and the happiness on your face when you and I talked about your return to the ring. We can do it." I took Colby's hand away from the paperwork he was still holding and held it against mine. "You and I are strong. Lucy is strong. She's a strong little girl. If you went back she'd be just fine. You'd only be away for a few days a week, I'm sure you could work it out somehow and have the kind of schedule you wanted. You need this. It's what you do and it's who you are. It's what you love. A year has passed now, Colby. It's time to go back."

"You make it sound so simple. What about when Lucy misses me? Misses you? When she cries at night? What about all the things I'd miss, we'd both miss if we were out traveling? I hate to think of those things, Jon. What if it doesn't work?" Colby turned to me and stared at me as he spoke, his words flooded with anguish. I knew how badly he longed to return to wrestling. I also knew how hard it would be for him when he finally did so and had to leave his daughter from time to time.

"If it doesn't work then it doesn't work. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." I assured him as I wrapped my arm around his waist. "Just promise me you'll think about it. At least do that for me?"

"Yeah. I'll think about it."

We sat for the rest of the night silent. I knew that as I sat there beside him on the couch and watched the fireplace glow that he was thinking, he had to be. His mind was most likely in overdrive from the discussion we'd just had and I hoped that with everything I'd just said to him he'd make the right choice. Just because he had a little girl now didn't mean he had to abandon his dream, his career. I had to hope he'd understand that and see things my way.

* * *

January 2017

New Jersey

"_Good luck tomorrow night, Jon. I'll be thinking about you and we'll watch you. I love you. WE love you."_

Colby's last few sentences to me before I'd left on my flight the day before were hanging around in my mind prior to showtime and the more I thought about them the more lightheaded I became. Walking around in circles didn't get rid of them. Shaking it off wasn't working. My head felt as though it was about to float off of my body. No matter how many times I paced back and forth backstage I couldn't shed the feeling of anticipation and excitement that coursed through my body as I thought about what was about to happen and I also thought about Colby and Lucy back at home. "Twenty more minutes until match time." I heard a nameless voice yell from behind me. I glanced around at my fellow WWE superstars and jumped up and down several times, shaking my hands as I did.

The Royal Rumble match was just about to begin and my return was imminent. WWE had done a marvelous job of keeping this under wraps. The only indication that a former superstar would be coming back tonight they'd given to the fans was a series of vignettes where all you got to see were snippets of me followed by darkness. A shot of my boots. My shoulder covered by my leather jacket. An extreme close-up of my eyes. The movements of my fingers. WWE kept them short, around ten or fifteen seconds each. At the end of each one they teased a return at the Rumble with the date. They were perfectly shot and edited so that you had no idea who the person you were looking at was. You only saw just a little bit, not enough that you'd be able to recognize it was me. Of course, the internet was abuzz with rumors about who it was in the vignettes. None of them were anywhere near close. It seemed as though I wasn't even on their radar and it amused me. My return would be a complete surprise and that was the way I wanted it.

"Ten minutes. Ambrose! Cesaro!" We were called to the curtain and told to take our places. Antonio Cesaro and I would be number one and number two respectively to enter the match. As I listened to Dolph Ziggler's music play throughout the arena my stomach began to flutter. I wasn't really the kind to get nervous easily, especially when it came to performing. The jumpy feeling in my gut wasn't so much because of nerves but more because of happiness, a sort of elation really. This was to be the beginning of a new chapter for me here in the WWE and in my wrestling career. I'd made my way back to the big leagues and this time was going to be different.

"You ready, brother?" Cesaro asked me softly.

"Yeah. Ready." I answered as I took another deep breath and pushed down whatever that fluttery feeling was that had been swirling around in my stomach. "Ready."

"Three minutes!"

I walked away from the curtain for just a moment and dropped down to a squat with my back against the wall. I reached into my leather jacket and found the inner pocket. With my eyes still on Cesaro and the curtain I unzipped the pocket and removed the contents. I smiled instantly as I looked down at the top picture in the stack. Before I'd left for the weekend I made sure to put in my pocket photos. The top one was my little girl. My picture of Lucy made all of the uneasy feelings inside of my stomach vanish instantly. Her sweet little face and bright blue eyes reminded me of how much I loved my life, our life. I quickly turned it over and glanced down at the next photo, one of me from my early days in CZW. I'd brought it with me to remind me of how far I'd come in my career. I was young, angry, and bloody in the photo. That person was still somewhere inside of me but transformed, he'd never be far away and still existed in the character of Dean Ambrose, but now I was far from the man I was when that photograph was taken back in 2009. The next photo was of all three of us, the former Shield members. Colby, Roman and I stood in the middle of the ring at WrestleMania 29, our arms around each other as we celebrated our victory. I smiled and let out a small laugh as I looked at it.

"AMBROSE! CURTAIN!"

"Yeah!" I yelled as I got up and walked over to the entrance. I had just enough time to look at the final photo in my hand before I had to put them away and make my entrance. I looked down at the picture of Colby and I that I held between my fingers and I smiled. I'd chosen to bring along with me the photo I'd found in the old box of memories I kept in my closet. I took that photo out of the box over a year ago now and the memories it brought back were no longer painful ones, now they were only happy and hopeful ones. He was with me and so was Lucy. They always would be. The plan was to carry them with me in my jacket from this day forward, every day from this point on. I made sure that Lucy's photo was back on top and I shoved the pictures back into my jacket pocket. My music hit and I took the short climb up the steps to the ramp. This was it. I was back.

Though I didn't win the Royal Rumble match I felt as if I had. The ovation I got when I stepped into the arena that night was mind blowing. They chanted my name and stood up at attention as I made my way to the ring, many of the fans in the crowd with a look of genuine shock on their faces. There were short but loud chants of "Ambrose!" followed by the appropriate chants of "Welcome back!". Cesaro and I both lasted in the match for over thirty minutes before being eliminated. At the end of the match another superstar stood with his hand raised in victory but in my heart I felt like the real winner.

As I sat backstage that night I found that my phone was flooded with voicemails and text messages. I only cared about one person's call, though. Colby's. I scrolled through my phone and finally found his message. I closed my eyes and smiled as I listened to it, the phone pressed tightly up against my ear. "Hey Jon! I tried to keep your daughter up long enough to see you wrestle tonight but she fell asleep on my lap. At least I got to watch you! I felt like your number one fan! They were hot for you tonight, huh? You did great, baby. I love you. Call me when you're back at your hotel tonight, okay? Bye!" I smiled still as I turned off my phone and gathered up my bags. The future was all I could think about as I walked out of the arena that night.

* * *

March 2017

The last week of March found me tired, jet lagged, and homesick. For the last two months I'd been going full force with my return. When I wasn't traveling and wrestling I was doing as much press as possible before WrestleMania weekend. I only spent two days a week at home if I was lucky and those days when I was home I sacrificed catching up on my lost sleep so that I could see Lucy and Colby. Our little girl was growing up more and more with each passing day. While it did make me feel a little guilty to leave them the fact that I knew they'd both be waiting for me once I arrived home once again kept my mind straight. She called both of us daddy now, much to my delight. Every week when I came back home she'd learned another word or skill. I did my best to keep up with all of it. While I was out on the road I missed them terribly. A couple of times they traveled with me, when there were shows close to home for the week. Those were good times and I was sure they'd helped in to convince Colby that coming back with me was the right thing for him to do.

It was a Wednesday evening and I sat silent in my seat on the airplane, surrounded by strangers and other travelers. As I looked down at my watch I had to smile because it was nearly time to land. I'd be home soon, home to the man who I loved and the little girl I'd adopted as my own. My only hope was that when I finally did get home Lucy would still be awake. I'd be cutting it pretty close yet I still held out for the fact that she'd still be up when I got there. I glanced around at the other people who were flying with me that evening and couldn't help but wonder what all of them were waiting to arrive home to. The thought amused me but even more than that I reveled in the fact that I knew what was waiting for me at home was much more precious than anything they'd ever have, at least in my eyes.

"Am I too late?" I called as I hurried into the kitchen, hoping that Colby would be there. "Shit." I swore when I didn't find him there as I'd expected.

"Jon?" The faint sound of Colby's voice coming from upstairs made me smile and I hurried up there as fast as I could, skipping every other step on the way. "She still up?" I asked softly as I cracked Lucy's bedroom door open.

"You're just in time." Colby told me as he turned around and grinned at me. He moved just enough so that Lucy could see me. She stood there half dressed, rubbing her little eyes.

As soon as she saw me her little smile appeared and she reached out towards me, nearly running in my direction. "Daddy!" I knelt down to the floor and she crashed into me, grabbing at my arms and pulling my shirt as she begged me to pick her up. "Up! UP DADDY!" She practically yelled at me as her big blue eyes glowed with happiness. Here I thought I was the one who was the most excited about finally being home, I guess I'd been wrong. Seeing her just reminded me of the fact that it was getting harder and harder to leave each time I came back. I knew that I wouldn't be able to do this forever, so I was going to make the most out of it while I could. My plan was to make the best out of the present and live in it. In the wrestling world careers don't last forever for one reason or another. I knew that for either Colby or myself one day that she'd be that very reason.

"Hi baby. I missed you." I told her as I lifted her into my arms and stood upright.

"She's just about ready for bed. Just gotta get her pajamas on and tuck her in. You can take over if you want." he told me as he came over to us. Colby wrapped his arm around my waist and rubbed Lucy's head as he leaned in to kiss her goodnight, leaving a little kiss on my cheek as well for good measure. "Aren't you going to tell me?"

"What? Tell you what?" I asked him as I wrinkled my nose and walked over to Lucy's bed.

"That you missed me." Colby answered, pretending to be offended that I'd said those words to our daughter but not to him.

"You know I missed you. I don't need to tell you like I need to tell her. I've gotta get it embedded in her little brain. You already know." I laughed.

"Yeah, I know. We missed you too, Jon." he smiled. "Actually, I'm glad you're here. You can put her to bed. I need a shower. I haven't had one yet today."

"I'd love to."

After Colby left the room I tucked Lucy in and rummaged around for a bedtime story. "Lucy you want me to read you a book?"

"Boo!"

"Okay. Lemme see what I can find." I told her as I shuffled through a stack of books we kept near her bed. When I was a little boy less than two years old I knew nobody was reading me bedtime stories at night. Whenever I could I read one to her and sometimes I'd keep reading long after she'd fallen asleep just because I wanted to. Her little mind was much like a sponge at this stage in her life and I vowed to do anything I could to make her the smartest, happiest little girl in the world. "Goodnight Moon. How about that, little girl?" I asked as I showed Lucy the book.

"Moom!" she smiled up at me as she reached for the book in my hands.

"I'll read it to you, baby girl." I said to her as I got down on the floor beside her crib. She watched me through the wooden bars as I read to her the words printed on the pages. As I neared the end she was close to dozing off, her little hands clutching the top of her blanket as her eyes narrowed more and more. When the story was over I continued talking to her about other things like what I'd seen on my latest trip across the country or how much I loved her and her father until she fell into a deep sleep.

"_The words have been drained from this pencil._

_Sweet words that I want to give you._

_And I can't sleep. I need to tell you goodnight._

_When we're together I feel perfect. _

_When I'm pulled away from you I fall apart._

_All you say is sacred to me. _

_Your eyes are so blue. I can't look away."_

Once I knew she was good and asleep I got up from my spot on the floor and tucked her in again just because I wanted to make sure she'd be safe and warm. I took her journal out from the top drawer of the dresser and sat down in the rocking chair so I could write a few lines before I went back out to find Colby. When I'd finished I counted the remaining pages. Ten. We'd need a new journal before long. I made one last stop at her crib and leaned over the railing. I moved my hand over her forehead as I whispered to her "Goodnight, little girl. I love you.".

Satisfied knowing that Lucy was safe and sound in her bed for the night I made my way down the hall to our bedroom. I found Colby there waiting for me in bed, thumbing through a book. "Everything go alright?"

"Yeah. She's sleeping." I sat at the end of the bed and started to take off my clothes when I felt him moving on the bed, coming closer to me with every shift of the mattress. A small sigh left me as Colby pressed himself against my back and hugged my body to his chest.

"I really did miss you this time, Jon. It was bad, I mean...bad." he whispered in my ear.

"Bad how?" I asked him as I twisted my neck around just enough to see his face and press my palm to his bearded chin.

"I missed you. I wanted you here. Lucy kept looking around the house and I swear she was looking for you. Problem is when she walks around and says "dad" I don't know if she's calling for me or she's searching for you." he laughed. "But seriously...I was experiencing withdrawals while you were gone, honestly. And after RAW? Forget it. That was the worst."

"What?" I laughed a little to mask the fact that I was highly amused and somewhat turned on by the fact that Colby had longed for me as he'd watched me wrestle on television just a few days ago. He squeezed me a little bit harder and pressed his face to my neck as he told me more.

"Yeah, I sat on the couch downstairs and fucking felt like a little fangirl as I watched you have your match, no joke. I yelled at the television and clapped and everything." he giggled.

"Get outta here." I told him, turning so that I could see his face. "You're my biggest fan, then?" I asked him as I flashed him a sly little grin.

"You could say that." he mirrored my expression and I glanced down to notice that the front of his sweatpants weren't doing a very good job of concealing the bulge in the front of them.

"Are you telling me you got turned on watching me?" I asked him softly, my head cocked to the side.

"What? So what? Look...I hadn't seen you in a few days and to make matters worse you had a microphone. You know when I hear your voice..." I was mid-laugh when Colby stopped explaining and tackled me to the floor. We quickly got tangled up together in a mess of arms and legs, hands moving over whatever little bits of exposed skin we could manage to find as Colby kissed me hard and fast. I could barely manage a breath between each long sequence of kisses that he laid on my lips.

"You really did miss me, huh?" I asked him, out of breath. Colby moved my jeans down my hips and I managed to get those words and those words only out before he closed his mouth over mine again. The way he kissed me told me just how much my absence had bothered him. There was a certain need, an apparent longing in the way his lips pulled at mine and his body moved against me as we kissed.

Colby moved his assault on my body down slightly so that his lips moved over my neck and my chest as I raked my fingernails over his shoulders. "Fucking right I missed you." he told me as he shifted his eyes up towards mine. "How could I not miss this?" He kissed his way down my body and stopped only long enough to pull my jeans off before his mouth was on me again. He was hungry, needy tonight and it pleased me to no end. I could feel in the way his lips moved against my torso that he'd missed me just as he'd said. His kisses and his movements said more than any words ever could have and I loved him for it, desired him more and more with each passing second because of it. It wasn't long before his mouth was on my cock and he had me writhing beneath him. Just when I'd lost myself in the sensation of his lips wrapped around length and how good they felt moving up and down on it, he stopped and moved back up my body.

"I love you." he told me in a breathy whisper as he held my face in his hands. "Get on the bed."

I jumped up and quickly arranged myself on the bed as Colby picked up a small bottle of lube from our dresser. In stark contrast to the way he'd kissed me just moments ago, he prepared us for fucking as slowly as he could. He made sure to take his sweet time lubing up my rigid cock, stopping at the head each time he stroked and teasing it with his fingertips before moving back down again. I studied his face with solemn desire as he moved my hand between us and wordlessly urged me to lubricate his ass so that we could begin. He arched his body up just enough so that I could slide two lubricated fingers over his entrance, my hard cock resting alongside his as I pressed them inside and slowly began teasing him with my digits. Colby tossed his head back and let out a low groan when I found his prostate. I kept on going, teasing him with two fingers until I couldn't hold back any longer. "You missed me, huh? Show me. Show me just how much."

Colby moved down enough to that his lips met with mine again. We went slowly together at first, his hips moving down to lower himself on my cock inch by inch with no hurry. Once I was inside of him he let out a content moan and kissed me, his hands pressed against my chest for support. He rolled his hips in small, precise rhythms and I found it hard to keep up with him as I tried to move my hips beneath him to match his movements. We fell into a concentrated, sweet pattern of fucking and Colby's mouth greedily sucked on my bottom lip as I felt his cum hit my stomach. A few more fluid cycles of his hips and my orgasm came as well, filling him.

In the afterglow of our lovemaking we laid motionless on our bed, the both of us still trying to catch some semblance of a breath. After several minutes spent trying to come down from what we'd just done I felt stable enough to finally move. I pulled myself up and shimmied over to Colby. He was still there on the bed in the same spot he'd fallen against, his chest rising and falling as he tried to regain his bearings. "I gotta tell you something, Jon." he told me once he managed to breathe again.

"What, pretty baby?"

"While you were out on that last stretch of shows I did a lot of thinking about whether or not I should go back." he sighed. My heart skipped a few beats as I waited to hear what he was about to tell me. "You know I really took into consideration everything you said to me and I think you're right."

"Holy shit..." I whispered to him. Right then I knew there had never been a more perfect moment between us. A faint light came through our far bedroom window and illuminated his face just long enough for me to see the sincerity in his dark brown eyes, nearly bringing a tear to my eye as I listened to him talk to me more about his possible return to wrestling.

"I love you, Jon. I need you now more than I ever have, you know that?" he finished, his hand sliding over my shoulder and across the back of my neck. "We can do this if we're together. I know. As long as I have you and your love I think I could do anything." he smiled up at me.

There were no words for me to give him in that moment. I kissed him and held his face in my hands. "Promise me you'll always be with me." Colby broke our kiss and whispered into my ear seven little soft words that made my eyes widen and my heart skip again. Nothing would ever take me away from him.

"You know I will be. I love you. I'll be at your side for as long as you live." I promised him.

"_As we lay in the stillness you whisper to me, _

_'Baby, be with me. Promise you'll stay with me?'_

_Oh you don't have to ask me. _

_You know you're all that I live for. _

_You know I'd die just to hold you, be with you. _

_Somehow I'll show you that you are my night sky.  
I've always been right behind you. _

_Now I'll always be right beside you."_

* * *

WrestleMania 33

April 2017

"Feels good to find yourself wrestling at another Mania, huh?" Colby asked me as I pulled my leather jacket on and prepared for my match.

"Yeah." I smiled over at Colby and Lucy. "Feels even better knowing the two of you are here to watch me."

"This was where I won the title, at WrestleMania..." Colby commented, trailing off as he stared out the curtain at the tag team title match that was taking place out in the ring at the moment. While Colby looked out at the action in the ring I stretched out and paced in circles, my usual before match routine. Lucy stared down at me and let out a little giggle as I reached my arms up over my head and made a silly face at her.

"Hee! Daddy!" she said as she laughed and pointed at me.

"I look pretty funny, huh little girl?" I asked her as I took her from Colby's arms and gave her a big hug. "You gonna watch daddy wrestle from back here?"

"Yes." she smiled over at me with love in her eyes as she toyed with the collar of my jacket.

"AMBROSE?"

"I gotta go, baby." Reluctantly I placed Lucy back in Colby's arms and gave each of them a little kiss before I rushed off for my match. As I stood at the curtain waiting for my music to start I stole one last glance over at the two of them. Colby smiled sweetly and mouthed the words "I love you" in my direction while Lucy waved at me with her little hand. Nothing could have made my return to WrestleMania better. I had the two people I loved most in the world here to cheer me on and I knew that after it was all over they'd be waiting for me, no matter the outcome of my match.

When my triple threat match for the US title against Antonio Cesaro and Kassius Ohno was over with I didn't get my arm raised in victory. Cesaro held on to his title, for the meantime at least. I was still trying to contain my excitement as I left the ring. The fans yelled at me as I made my way back up the entryway and as I walked through the curtain I had but one thought. My family.

"Hey. There you are. You were awesome. That was a great match." Colby greeted me with kind words and a tight embrace.

"Where's the kiddo?" I asked him as I looked around for our daughter.

"She's sleepy. Roman volunteered to sit with her while I watched you."

"So she couldn't even make it through the whole match, huh? Watching me wrestle puts her to sleep..." I sighed.

"No, you know it's way past her bedtime. Come on, let's go back to our room."

Once Lucy was settled in for the night and fast asleep, I breathed a sigh of relief. She'd been three quarters out of it when we arrived back at our room and she fell asleep rather easily. Now that the night was officially over with and I'd made my return to WrestleMania it was just Colby and I. As I changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants I could feel his eyes on me, staring a hole in my back.

"Jon? How does June sound?"

"Sound for what?" I asked him as I lowered my sore, achy body down to the mattress so I could lay beside him.

"For my return."

My eyebrows shot up my forehead and a smile crept over my face as I looked at him. "It's all set. I come back in June."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." he grinned down at me with an excited yet serious look on his face.

"You won't regret it. I promise you." My lips brushed over his earlobe as I whispered those words to him. "We'll make it work."

* * *

Once both of us were back to WWE our lives changed drastically. Half of the time we took our little girl out on the road with us. We had a long list of friends we'd made along the way who were willing to watch her for us when we needed it. Colby and I quickly found that traveling with her was somewhat easier than what we'd imagined. Lucy was a calm, well behaved, well adjusted little child. I couldn't say that there were no moments where she protested or she threw fits, but those incidents were few and far between. When we traveled she enjoyed watching the scenery fly by from the backseat of our rental car and always took great pleasure in jumping on the hotel room bed to "break it in" for us when we arrived at each new city.

The other half of the time we left Lucy in the care of Colby's father or brother. When they weren't available we had a nanny who would stay with her. While both of us found it difficult to leave our little girl at home I think that somewhere deep down we secretly looked forward to it, to having a little break from being parents. Those weeks Colby and I went to the gym together without having to worry about whether or not they had childcare facilities, slept in whenever possible, and made love to each other every night like a pair of rabbits. It was a beautiful contrast, the life of being parents and the life of being two lovers who traveled together. No matter how much we seemed to enjoy the time out on the road without our little Lucy, when the time came to come home we settled back into our cozy little existance and lived together in harmony. Life was perfect.

* * *

Summer 2020

"Daddy?"

"Yes, little girl?"

"Why are you and daddy wrestling with each other?" Lucy's blue eyes beamed up at me, a look of intense curiosity in them. My little girl was asking me why Colby and I were wrestling each other tonight at Summerslam. I carefully considered my answer before I gave it to her.

"You know that belt that your daddy carries around?" I asked her as I got down on the floor in front of her.

"Yeah. It's really heavy. I like it when he lets me carry it for him." she grinned as she played with the hem of her dress.

"Let me tell you a secret." I told Lucy as I leaned over and whispered in her ear. "I want to hold the belt too, but daddy won't let me."

"Nuh UH! That's his." she looked at me, shocked that I'd imply I wanted to take something that belonged to Colby.

"If I beat dad at wrestling then I can hold the belt." I was trying to explain to her in the simplest way the meaning behind our match this evening. "You know it's just pretend, right? Like we've told you before. Dad and I wrestle but we don't get hurt." I lied to her.

"Yeah. I know." she sighed. "So if you win the belt you're still going to let me hold it like daddy does, right..."

I didn't mean to but I had to laugh at her. Her only worry about the championship match at the pay per view tonight was if she'd still get to carry the belt around with her once it was all over with. She was too precious.

"Yes, baby. You can carry it all the time." I assured her.

"What are you trying to do here, Jon? Sway her to your side?" Colby asked from behind us.

"No." I told him as I picked up our little girl and turned to face him. "Just letting her know how things will be."

We left Lucy with Roman as we got ready for our match. Colby was the current WWE champion and I'd be challenging him for the belt in just a few minutes. Colby would come out the winner but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was go out there in that ring and wrestle with my favorite opponent. My mind wandered back to our early days together in FCW as I watched Colby out of the corner of my eye. That was nearly ten years ago now, when we first met in the ring in WWE developmental. Now we stood side by side, preparing for arguably one of the biggest matches in both of our careers. Colby ran his hand over my shoulder and flashed me a quick grin and asked me "Are you ready?"

"Ready." I answered softly. Just seconds later my music hit and it was time to go out there and be Dean Ambrose. As I walked down to the ring that night my breath caught in my throat, not because I was nervous but because this was the most bittersweet pay per view appearance of my career. Nobody in the WWE knew it yet, but this would be my last.

The morning after Summerslam I met with Paul Levesque and explained to him my intentions. Even though my contract wasn't up I asked to be released from it so that I could stay home with Lucy. She was starting preschool in a couple of weeks and after much deliberation, I'd finally decided that quitting would be best for everyone involved. The job of staying home with her while she began her education was a much more important one to me than my job with WWE. I'd wasted many nights over the last few months tossing and turning in bed, battling with the decision I knew I'd have to make at the end of the summer. Colby and I had discussed the matter only a couple of times but I'd never once told him of my plans to quit. Paul understood my reasons for wanting to be released and granted my request. The easiest part of the task was over. Now I just had to tell Colby.

"YOU'RE DOING WHAT?" Colby stopped abruptly and turned to face me.

"I said I'm quitting." I told him once again, my voice flat.

"No. Why?"

"I wanna be home with Lucy. She starts school soon. I decided that she deserves better than getting dropped off and picked up by other family members or the nanny. She needs a parent home with her. That little girl is entitled to a parent who stays with her and nurtures her education. One of us needs to be there, to stay home..." I slowly tried to explain to Colby why I'd chosen to give up my WWE career. When I reached the end of my explanation I gave to him the biggest reason why I wanted to stay home with our daughter, the most important reason of all. "She needs me. My childhood was crap, you know that. Do you think that my mom made me breakfast before school in the morning? She never made sure I got home safely. She didn't help me with my homework. She never went to any school functions. I can't do this anymore, Colby. I'm quitting because she deserves to have a full-time parent."

"I thought we agreed and we had a plan." Colby sighed. "My dad and my brother would take her and pick her up while we're out on the road."

"Plans have changed." I told him.

"This is very surprising Jon. It's a shock, really. This was the last thing I expected. You're really going to end your career here?" Colby lowered his voice and came over to my side as he gave me a long, hard look. "If this is what you really want to do and you think it's for the best then I'll support you. I don't want you to do this because you feel that you HAVE to, Jon. Please don't..."

"Is that what you think? NO. No. That's not it. I'll never, EVER say I did this because I felt like I had to." I told Colby as I took his hand in mine. "I thought about this for a long time and I know I made the right decision. I'm doing this because I want to. I want to do it for our little girl, our little Lucy. Being a stay at home dad will be fun." Colby flashed me a skeptical look as I tried to convince him that my decision was the right one. It didn't matter to me if Colby liked it or not, I'd already made up my mind.

"Are you sure, Jon?"

"I'm sure. This is what I want."

Colby sighed as he looked away from me and fastened his title belt around his waist. We both fell silent and I was sure that neither one of knew exactly what to say. "I don't know if I can do this without you." he told me finally. His words drifted between the two of us and clouded the air making both of us feel heavier, almost as if the weight of the decision I'd made for us was already weighing us down.

"Yes you can." I assured him as I wrapped my arms around his neck. "You're the champ. I'm so proud of you. I love you and you deserve this." As I tapped the front of his belt I reminded him of just how much I cared about him and how proud of him I was.

"You're making me feel a little bit guilty here, Jon. You're going to quit to be home with my daught..."

"OUR daughter." I chimed in.

"...our daughter, while I stay with the WWE and live out my dream. Somehow I feel like if one of us has to choose, it should be me. I should be the one who stays home with her. I should leave..."

"No. That's not it. That's not it at all. I want you to stay here and keep climbing the ladder. You've gained so much since you came back. You're only a few months into your title reign. I can't expect you to quit. And anyway...this is my decision. It's not yours. You're the champ. You need to stay." Colby pressed the back of his head to my shoulder and kissed my jaw as I pulled him closer. "Give them hell, all of them. I'll be at home waiting for you while you do. Our little girl needs me."

"What about me? I need you, too." he said to me softly.

"You'll be alright here without me." I grinned. "I need a break anyway. My body is tired. I've been going for the last three years with hardly any kind of a break. This will be good for me, for you...for all of us. You'll see." I assured him. "You'll see."

* * *

Summer 2021

"Daddy?"

"Yes baby?"

"Can we go to the beach today?" Lucy asked me between mouthfuls of Cheerios.

"I think we could arrange that." I answered her as I poured myself another cup of coffee at the kitchen counter.

"Daddy? When is dad coming home?" I closed my eyes and smiled as I thought of Colby. He'd been out on tour for nearly twelve days now, completing both a stretch across the US and then part of the international leg of the tour as well.

"Thursday. He'll be home Thursday, baby girl."

"How long is that?" she asked me before she shoveled another spoonful of cereal into her mouth.

"Three days." I told her as I sat down next to her at the table. "It seems like he's been gone forever, huh?"

"Yeah. You're right." Lucy said to me as her little brow furrowed. "It hasn't been forever though, daddy. Forever is like...a really long time..."

"You're right. It is." Our little breakfast discussion was cut short when my phone rang. I slipped out on the front porch to answer the incoming call from my good friend CM Punk.

"Punk? Good to hear from you, man."

"Jon! How is that domesticated life treating you?" he teased me from the other end of the phone.

"It's awesome. I get to spend all day with my daughter. I couldn't ask for more." I smiled.

"Listen, there's a reason why I'm calling. I have a career opportunity for you. You're my first choice..."

Thursday

"Chicago?" Colby asked me as we laid in bed late that night. "You want to move to Chicago? What's in Chicago?"

"Work." I answered as I propped myself up on my elbow. "Punk called me today and he wants me to go into business with him. He's opening a wrestling school with Cabana and he wants me to be the third trainer."

"What? That's incredible. Damn, that's like a dream team of wrestling trainers. You want to move there?" Colby sad up in bed and looked at me as he thought about my proposition.

"Just think about it. That's all I'm asking. I mean, I'm giving it serious thought. I haven't worked or contributed for the last year and I'd really like to do something to get out of the house once in a while." I told him. "I didn't say yes. I didn't say no."

"Yeah, but you should have said yes. This is a fucking once in a lifetime opportunity. I knew Punk had talked about opening up a wrestling school right before he retired earlier this year, but I didn't realize it'd be this soon..." Colby brushed his hair over his shoulder and gave me the most stern look as he gazed down at me. "Let's do it. Let's go to Chicago."

"Let's think about it first..."

"No, fuck that." Colby told me as he took my face in his hands. "You quit...you gave up everything to be here and raise our daughter. It's time that we did something for you. If you tell me this is what you want to do then we'll follow you. Just let me know right now. Is this what you want or not?"

"Yes." I answered him honestly. "I do."

"Then to Chicago we go."

* * *

Author's note: You guys, I'm sorry this chapter took me so long. I've had a crazy summer so far and I've been working more than usual. SO, I do apologize for the long wait and I hope it was worth it. To those of you who I had been talking to on a somewhat regular basis I also apologize to you. I just haven't had the time. None of you guys are ever far from my mind, though. I think about you and I think about the stories you've contributed to this ship/fandom on a regular basis. I hope that the next chapter will come out faster, fingers crossed. Til then, I hope you liked this update.


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